Rating the Super Hunks #9: Animal Man

As I said yesterday, this week's super-hunk is the lovable

Buddy Baker, aka Animal Man

Soon to be appearing in the insanely-titled Countdown to Adventure series.

Costume/Appearance: Orange is a tough colour to pull off. Teaming it with royal blue is daring. Adding triangular goggles sounds like it would definitely be going too far. But somehow Animal Man makes all of this work. I think it's the black (blue?) jacket. It breaks up all the orange and makes the whole thing look tougher.

The dark gloves are also a nice touch.

It's a very tight costume, and the lack of shorts makes it rather revealing. Buddy said that he decided to add the jacket because he was embarrassed wearing such a tight costume, but he really covered up the wrong half.

Or, the right half.

We know that I always approve of a costume that doesn't cover a hero's hair. I'm glad Buddy went that route, utilizing the Booster Gold-style headpiece that protects his ears from windburn while flying, but still allows his golden locks to toss playfully in the breeze.

Sans costume, Buddy is a nice-looking guy with blonde floppy hair and blue eyes. Unfortunately, he's been the victim of some pretty bad art. Plus his glory years were the unattractive late 80s/early 90s. But if you ignore all this, he's a looker.

8/10

Personality: The thing about Buddy is that he's not the most awesome hero, or the coolest guy, but he's a nice guy without being a giant wiener. Actually, he is pretty cool. For him being a super hero is a job, and he does it to support his family because he happens to have super powers, and he may as well use them. I like that attitude. Unfortunately he gets a little preachy with the animal rights stuff and the vegetarianism, but I blame Grant Morrison.

Buddy is a pretty sane and stable guy, considering he's been through the ringer, mentally, a few times. It's not his fault he was chosen to be a Vertigo character, and as a result has had to see a lot of messed up shit. But he's handled it all very well and continues to have a great attitude, and a good sense of humour.

And do I love the name 'Buddy Baker'? Yes I do.

Buddy is also a family man, which is a pretty important aspect of his character. Not only does he have a wife and two kids, he also doesn't have a secret identity. He's an interesting case, that Animal Man.

I really like that he listens to music while he flies. He's basically an aged hipster, and I think that's fun.

8/10

Day Job: Full-Time hero. (Actually, more like part-time).

8/10

Sexiness of Powers: Buddy can take on the abilities of any animal in his vicinity. More often then not, the results are more gross than sexy. But it does mean that, in most circumstances, he's pretty damn powerful.
He can fly, he has super strength and speed, he can breathe underwater, and he can stink like a skunk. His powers really aren't very sexy, but still sexier than no powers.

7/10

Cons: He's a vegetarian. And he's married. With kids.

- 2

Final Score: 31/40

Woah, does that tie him up with Hal Jordan? It does! Good work, Buddy. You'd be a better boyfriend than Hal any day. And your hair would be fun to rumple.

Rating the Super Hunks #8: Wally West

I was biking all day and now it hurts to sit down. But I will suffer through it because it is Tuesday and that means:

a) New comics tomorrow!
b) Time to rate a super hunk!

I got some requests for this one. The fastest hunk alive,

Wally West, aka The Flash

Costume/Appearance: The Flash suit has always been one of my favourite superhero costumes, with its crimson and gold colour combo and lightning bolt details. Plus, it's very tight and leaves nothing to the imagination.

Wally basically took Barry's costume, which was great, and eventually made small alterations that made it just a little bit cooler. The two diagonal lightning bolts that meet in the middle is a much more flattering look than the straight across belt that Barry rocked. And removing the wings from the boots is a step in the right direction. Also, those big yellow boots are awesome.

I'm going to go on record right now and say that I don't like the shiny suit. You can wear a bright red hooded leotard with lightning bolts sticking out of the sides of your head, but you start making that shit shiny and it's just tacky. The little ear decorations should be metal, and the rest should be matte. That's a nice-looking costume.

I actually don't know how sexy the Wally West Flash costume is, really. I mean, it's got Jay Garrick's beat by a country mile, but still...

Yeah. It's pretty good. You have to be pretty damn fit to wear that thing and make it not look ridiculous.

Without the costume, Wally is reasonably good-looking. He gets my vote for sexiest Flash. He's also one of the few red-headed heroes. He's got nice enough features. Green eyes, good jaw line. Whatever. He's no Bruce Wayne. His head is kinda small for his body.

7/10

Personality: This section used to be called Alter-Ego, but some heroes don't have one. 'Personality' is more inclusive.

Wally took on the mantle of The Flash when he was about 20 years old, so he's always had a young, boyish charm thing going for him. In the Flash comics, he's a bit of a smart ass, but nothing compared to the way he's portrayed in the Justice League cartoons and related comics.

To be honest, I always found Wally to be kind of boring. I like his friends more. He's just your typical nice guy who's good to his mother, married a nice girl, had a couple of kids, and vibrated at the same speed as the Speed Force or something to stop Superboy and help save the world before disappearing to an alternate Earth. Nothing really to write home about.

It should be noted, though, that Wally has gotten a lot of action in the comics. And by that, I mean sexy action. Dude has been around.

7/10

Day Job: He doesn't really have one, except when he lost his memory and was an auto mechanic for the KCPD. Auto mechanics are pretty macho. I like that he won the lottery once. That kept him comfortable for awhile.

This guy has gotten struck by lightning and has won the lottery. Jesus.

7/10

Sexiness of Powers: He's really, really fast. Is that sexy? It's actually kind of freaky.

I guess it keeps him happy. And it's hotter than, say, not having super speed.

7/10

Cons: Wally can be a real dick sometimes. Like when poor Kyle became the new Lantern. He was also kind of a punk kid, but who wasn't, really? I can't hold that against him.

But I am holding the treatment of Kyle against him. Stupid Wally.

OH, and how about losing ALL of your lottery winnings in the stock market, Wally? Not cool.

- 3

Final Score: 25/40

Wally got 7/10 across the board, and I think that makes sense. He's a solid 7. Nothing to be ashamed about.

Rating the Super Hunks #7: Midnighter

I'm back and ready to rate another super hunk. I'm a little sleepy today, but nothing wakes me up like examining the finer points of attractive super heroes. This week we turn the spotlight on...

Midnighter

That tank bullet deserved it.

Costume/Appearance:

Midnighter's costume is dope. It's one of my very favourites. All black with a stylish trench coat, awesome boots, and a badass mask. Plus, the minimalist logo is very cool. The costume is full of attractive and cool details, too, like spiked knuckles on the gloves, buckled-on gauntlets on his sleeves, and a big ol' belt buckle.

He makes the trenchcoat work

You don't get to see Midnighter with the mask off very often. I thought that when they finally revealed his face for the first time, he'd be all scarred and stuff, because that's usually the way with characters that never take their masks off. Imagine how pleased I was to learn that he's quite the hottie under the mask, with rugged features and sandy hair.

Dude is ripped.

Hot costume. Hot guy.

10/10

He misses his mask.

Alter-Ego:

Who knows? He doesn't use one, and even he doesn't know much about his past. Midnighter is the only name he goes by, and, really, can you blame him? I would also insist that people call me that all the time.

Midnighter can talk with a bottle in his mouth.

Personality-wise, Midnighter is an intense guy. He's grouchy, but he's not usually brooding like, say, Batman. He has a quick, sardonic wit that always cracks me up.

Ha! I get it!

Basically Midnighter is scary as hell, but he's still a loving and devoted husband and father.

Awwwwwww.

He's very macho and very badass, but sometimes he just needs a little loving. On that note, he's not only one of the few openly homosexual super heroes, he is also generally one of the most openly sexual heroes. He has a sex life, and we know it. The fact that his relationship is with one of his teammates makes it all the hotter. In battle he's always looking at Apollo like he can't wait to get him home.

NOW we're talking!

9/10

Day Job:

Ass-kicking member of The Authority, devoting himself to the creation of a better world. By killing lots and lots of assholes.

It's true.

10/10

Sexiness of Powers:

Midnighter is the ultimate killing machine. Not only does he have super-strength, durability, and the ability to heal himself, but he also can calculate over a million possible outcomes for every situation in seconds. Plus, he loves using his powers, which is fun.

A million is a lot.

His powers are definitely sexy. Just look at how Apollo looks at him after a battle.

The man loves his work.

9/10

Cons:

Well, he's not interested in chicks, which ruins my chances, but he and Apollo are so hot together that I certainly can't complain. Midnighter's flaws lie in the fact that he's stubborn, and probably more than a little psychotic. He's very detached, and tends to keep his troubles to himself, which never leads to anything good. He also has a giant chip on his shoulder, and tends to mouth off when it isn't necessary. Apollo puts up with a lot of crap. Plus, Midnighter's a stone-cold killer, which may bother some people. I guess I'll take off a couple points for that.

- 2

SICK BURN!

Really?

Final Score: 36/40

I knew this guy would score high, because I am totally in love with him. Especially since his solo series rocks the house. Apollo is pretty sexy too. We'll have to see how he ranks, someday.

Lumpy!

Rating the Super Hunks #6: Magnus, Robot Fighter

There's been a lot of talk about sexism in comics this week. Let's take an ironic break from that and rate another superhunk.

This week's challenger:

Magnus, Robot Fighter

Another day in the office.

Costume/Appearance:

It takes a real man to fight robots while wearing nothing but a very short shift dress and white go-go boots. I consider Magnus to be the great equalizer when it comes to comic book cheesecakery. There are so many ridiculous, impractical female superhero costumes out there, and yet this guy might have one of the silliest. And most blatantly sexual.

It is head.

It's a very short skirt. And this comic offers consistent upskirt shots, something that is seldom seen in a male superhero comic. The truth is, Magnus should look ridiculous, but he doesn't. He's got a fantastic body, and he shows it off. Plus, he's got really nice features. Great hair, steely blue eyes, powerful eyebrows. He's an attractive guy.

Smoldering.

Plus, I really like that belt with the big "M" on it.

Oh, and sometimes his costume gets ripped so it's even skimpier.

He is a few threads away from his most embarassing moment

10/10

Alter-Ego:

Doesn't really have one. He's actually a pretty famous dude in the year 4000. A hero of the people. This is usually the section where I talk about a hero's personality, though, so I'll do that.

This is possibly a dance routine and not a fight.

Despite appearances, Magnus is a pretty macho guy. I mean, he spends most of his time fighting robots. And sexing his lady-friend, Leeja.

Leeja is trying not to look.

He seems like a nice guy, but can be kind of whiny. He's always saying he doesn't want to do one thing or another. He's conflicted about fighting robots sometimes, and he can be a little emo about his robot up-bringing. But generally, he's all man.

Magnus doesn't ask twice.

8/10

"I just BOUGHT this tunic!"

Day job:

He fights robots.

10/10

So he DOES wear underwear.

That robot was a jerk. Trust me.

Sexiness of Powers:

Magnus has superhuman strength which allows him to destroy robots with his bare hands. That's pretty much it, but that ain't bad.

9/10

She's holding onto his ass for dear life.

Cons:

After issue #25 of the Valiant series, Magnus started wearing lame-looking armor when he fought robots. Booooo. I'm taking off a couple points for that decision.

- 2

Final Score: 35/40

From the exciting "Jetpack to Grandma!" issue!

I heart Magnus. His comics are like the Harlequin romance novels of comics. He puts on a little dress, fights some robots, flexes his muscles, maybe takes his top off, maybe makes out with someone, and you're done. Very easy to follow, and very easy on the eyes.

Things that make you say "nnnngg."

Rating the Super Hunks #5: Ted Kord

Due to popular demand, I have decided to make Ted Kord the celebrated hunk of the week. We'll see how he stacks up next to his pal, Booster Gold.

So, let's check out another fallen super hunk,

Ted Kord, aka The Blue Beetle

Costume/Appearance: This is a great costume. There are two things I really like about it: the blue-on-blue colour combination, and the goggles. The suit is very clean, very simple, and has great design. Unlike the current Blue Beetle, Ted's suit did not resemble a giant beetle, and I appreciate that. Because beetles are gross.

The dark bands at the ends of the gloves, the bottoms of the shorts and the tops of the boots are fabulous-looking. The belt is great. The wrap-around beetle logo is very well-executed, and shows creativity in logo-placement. The shorts also have more of a boxer-brief cut than a Speedo cut, which I always like. The boots have a slight heel. Very stylish. Ted looks like a billionaire, even in costume. And it's very flattering.

Like I said, I love the goggles, but it's hard to consider them sexy. They distract a little from the awesome design work on the rest of the suit. Plus, we can't see his wavy hair. I'll subtract one point. Other than that, a very hot costume.

9/10

Alter-Ego: Ted Kord is a billionaire and a genius. We're already off to a good start here. He is also a nice guy with a good attitude and a great sense of humour. It's no wonder female readers love Ted. Hal Jordan represents the guy that you fall for that you know is bad for you. Ted represents the nerd who asked you to the prom that you turned down, then you realize ten years later that he's the guy should should have gone for. Smart, successful, imaginative, brave, and a total sweetheart.

Ted doesn't get sexy too often in the comics. He was, however, nailing one of his employees.

Yowza! Plus, his flirting with Oracle was always cute. Especially online. Oh, I love that nerd.

As much as I hate to speak ill of the dead, it is possible to find fault with poor Ted. He's reasonably attractive, but he's not a smoking babe. Still, those big baby blues and messy auburn hair aren't bad. He has had his share of health problems. He doesn't always do the best job running that company of his and has frequent money troubles. And...he's a terrible dresser. Really. The costume is the least garish article of clothing he owns.

I'll forgive the clothes a little because it was the eighties, but...seriously. He dresses like a children's performer.

Still, though...

8/10

Day Job: Billionaire inventor.

10/10

Sexiness of Powers: Ted doesn't have powers. But he does have a whole lot of cool gadgets and weapons, all of which he invented. He's a genius and a great athlete. He provided the primary mode of transportation for the Giffen-era Justice League. He's got a gun that blinds people.

Having no powers and still being a member of the Justice League is sexy.

9/10

Cons: Like I mentioned before, Ted has had his share of health and money problems. It should be noted that he has always bounced back.

Er, at least, he probably would have bounced back from his latest money troubles if he hadn't been shot in the head. His death was heroic, and he proved to be the only one able to figure out what was going on when the shit started hitting the fan, OMAC-wise. And his last words were excellent:

You tell him, Teddy!

I'll knock a couple of points off for his tendency to let things slide. Like his business or his weight.

-2

Final Score: 34/40

Nice one, Ted! Rest in Peace. You were taken from us too soon.

Rating the Super Hunks #4: Captain America

2016 EDITOR'S NOTE: I am very disappointed in myself over how lazy this post was. I basically only used images from the Brubaker/Epting run of Captain America. Lame, Rachelle. But I think I rated him fairly, even though I am crazy in love with Steve now.

---

A very special memorial edition of Rating The Super Hunks.

Captain America, aka Steve Rogers

Dude driving behind him is snapping so many pics.

Costume/Appearance:

I'm not saying that Cap's costume isn't great, I'm just saying it isn't sexy. At all. I mean, seriously.

this is pretty impressive.

It looks like he's about to get shot out of a cannon.

he does work it, though. i mean, as best anyone can.

From the swashbuckling bright red boots to the little wings coming out of his head, this suit is a total nightmare in terms of hotness. He really does look ridiculous. My favourite thing about it is the way he wears his giant heavy shield on his back. That's very manly.

Four guys at a time!

He's got a great body, no question, but this is just not the way to decorate it. Superman looks at this suit and says "Wow. That's a tacky costume. You've gotta tone that shit down."

He makes that sound a lot when bucky is pummeling him.

That said, I love how seeing the suit always makes Americans in the comics swell with pride to the point that it brings tears to their eyes. And, honestly, I sort of feel it too. And I'm Canadian.

"let's rub our pouches together."

But it's still not sexy.

3/10

Alter-Ego:

Steve Rogers is not a lot of fun.

This man should not be the leader of anything.

He's a military man, through and through, and he doesn't crack a lot of jokes. He does have a blind, naive patriotism that is very charming, though. He also has an adorable fish-out-of-water thing going for him, in that he lived most of his life in the 1930s, and still clings a little to those days.

"not even war bonds can cheer me up today."

He's got a sweet, government-supplied apartment. And a big record collection. He likes big band swing music (again, adorable). His clothing is simple, and he's often sporting a tight, white t-shirt. Always a good choice.

"work on the heavy bag" is a good EUPHEMISM.

He's a square-jawed, blue-eyed rugged all-American with a no-nonsense haircut. I'm sure some people are into that, but it doesn't really do it for me. He's reasonably dreamy, but not Bruce Wayne dreamy. Or even Ted Kord dreamy. He does have excellent taste in women though. And he's a fearless, noble hero who selflessly defends the lives of others. I guess that's pretty sexy.

"Just,,,trying to psyche myself up here. ok...um, could you just put this domino mask on..."

6/10

Day Job:

Captain America's day job is...being Captain America. At least nowadays. I liked it in the late 70s/early 80s when he was a graphic designer. It's just so amusing that Captain frigging America would have to find time to finish ad proofs. I also just liked that he happened to be a good drawer. It had nothing to do with his powers. Like, Clark Kent is a reporter because it suits his Superman lifestyle. Ditto with Peter Parker. But Captain America as a designer? That job would just be a pain in the ass.

But he's not a graphic designer anymore, unfortunately. He's a full-time hero.

"listen, buster! i was considering going to first base with this dame!"

i've been staring at this image for a long time trying to come up with a caption and...my god.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I'm going to give him a 5 out of 10 on this one because I can't decide if not having a day job is good or bad.

5/10

Sexiness of Powers:

Captain America was chemically altered during WWII to be the "perfect man" (crazy scientist guy's words, not mine). He's strong, fast, smart, tough, and agile. These are all good things. He also can throw a giant heavy shield like a boomerang, ride a motorcycle like nobody's business, and surf on a fighter jet.

the inside of an airplane is for pussies.

Really, you can't argue that Cap's powers aren't sexy. He's pretty much fully loaded with perfect traits and abilities.

A little something for the captain america foot fetishists out there.

Yup. That's gonna earn him a solid ten.

10/10

Cons:

Well...he's dead. That's a definite minus. Actually, I'm going to overlook that little detail. Particularly because his last words were so dreamy:

nice going, sharon.

And female comic readers the world over swooned and fainted.

I don't think Cap's going to lose too many points here. I mean, sure, he's no fun at all, and he did kind of bitch out at the end of Civil War, but he really doesn't have many glaring flaws. Other than being dead and all. Sometimes he even loosens up a little:

"Bucky's alive, sharon! he's alive! i was completely 100% thinking about you when i kissed you! let's have sex in the dark!"

With sexy results!

I'll take off one point for being boring.

- 1

Final Score: 23/40

Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, even in a super-sexy picture like this, he still looks pretty silly:

Makes more sense if you pretend this is bucky cap.