September 06, 2007

Green Arrow Bonus Material

September 06, 2007/ Rachelle Goguen

I just realized that I forgot to insert the best Green Arrow panel of all to my Green Arrow superhunk entry. So here it is:

September 04, 2007

Rating the Super Hunks #13: Green Arrow

September 04, 2007/ Rachelle Goguen

Time to rate another Super Hunk. It's been awhile. I thought it would be timely to rate the soon-to-be-married emerald archer,

GREEN ARROW, AKA OLIVER QUEEN

Costume/Appearance: It's really hard to take Oliver Queen seriously. And I blame that 100% on the moustache and goatee. It's not a good look. For anyone. Unless you are someone's grandfather. Or a magician.

Trying to look past that, his costume is often pretty cool. I mean, the hat is a bit much, but he kinda works it. It adds a bit of playfulness, which is nice. I've been really liking the recent costume, with the hood. The whole look is less Robin Hood. Definitely more attractive than the laced-up turtleneck.

I mean, obviously there is still the facial hair problem. But it's an improvement.

But now let's talk about Silver Age Green Arrow. Now there was an attractive fellow! I don't know why you would every stray from this rugged and attractive look:

Clean cut. Simple suit with nice lines. Big red gloves. Matching child. That's just a sharp look. I have quite a crush on Silver Age Green Arrow.

Lately we've been treated to a new version of young Oliver in Green Arrow: Year One. I think this is an Oliver that we can all agree on:

So basically, Oliver is going to lose a bunch of points here for facial hair alone. Five minutes with a razor would earn him many points, but he insists on keeping this crazy look. Too bad, Ollie.

6/10

Personality: I've always liked Green Arrow because he cracks wise and drinks beer and flirts a lot and generally has a good time. He's a bleeding heart liberal and loves his city so much he successfully ran for mayor.

HOWEVER...he doesn't have a good track record with relationships. At all. Be it sons, sidekicks, lovers or friends. He cheats, he's afraid of commitment, and he's generally selfish and hot headed.

In the friendship pairing of Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan, Oliver is the reckless one. Consider that.

He's gotten better recently, but only very recently. I will take his improvement into consideration, since Dinah was able to forgive him his sins and accept his wedding proposal.

Plus, there is no denying that Oliver is one of the most macho super heroes. He's a guy's guy, and that's appealing.

7/10

Day Job: He's a billionaire. And until recently he was the mayor of Star City. No complaints there.

10/10

Sexiness of Powers: No powers, which always gains favour with me. Oliver is self-trained and awesome.

He can shoot an arrow at anything from anywhere. Plus, he makes all his own high-tech arrows. It's impressive.

Green Arrow is pretty kick-ass. I think every hero is pretty impressed by him. Even Batman.

10/10

Cons: Well, there is the aforementioned commitment-phobia and general asshattery. Plus he's pretty whiny with all the anti-corporate talk. I'm not saying he's wrong, I'm just saying give it a rest sometimes. And he maybe lacks some of the ambition that the other heroes have:

I think if I were in the JLA, and I arrived in the Watchtower and Green Arrow was there, I'd be like "Oh hey, Oliver, what's up? That's cool...listen, is anyone else here?" He's just a little annoying. And arrogant.

- 4

Final Score: 29/40

Well, that's respectable. I don't think anyone would name Oliver Queen as the sexiest super hero. Unless we're talking about the Smallville version. Because...damn.

July 03, 2007

Rating the Super Hunks #12: Superman

July 03, 2007/ Rachelle Goguen

Time to raise the super hunk bar again. This week I'm bringing out the big guns...the really big guns.

Superman, aka Clark Kent

Costume/Appearance: There is absolutely no reason why Superman's costume would be sexy, other than the fact that it's tight. Cape, primary colours, shorts outside of pants...these are not things that should go together. Maybe it's the perfect physique of the man wearing the tights, or maybe it's just the respect that the uniform commands, but Superman is totally dreamy.

Uh, even when his boots are the wrong colour.

First of all, there's the fact that Superman's biggest identity problem is that he is so good-looking, he needs to go out of his way to make himself unattractive when he's Clark Kent. And, truthfully, he often fails because even as Clark, he is rarely able to conceal the hotness. Hot with glasses is still hot.

Even on film the costume looks hot. That, I think, is the real test.

Just like Wonder Woman is supposed to be the perfect woman, Superman sets the standard for male beauty. You can argue that he's too wholesome or good, but in a way, doesn't that just make him sexier? Or am I just dirty?

You notice how, when people meet him for the first time, they turn into idiots and stumble over their words? It's because he's so good-looking.

10/10

Personality: Silver Age dickery aside, Superman is a total sweetheart. He's been portrayed as pompous, self-righteous, and ill-tempered, but this is by writers who are jealous. I do kind of enjoy when he has a bit of an attitude, because it makes him a more rounded character, but overall Superman is best when he is written as the selfless guy who will put everyone else's safety before his own. He's the guy who takes the time to sit and talk with new, young heroes. He leads by example, and everyone respects him, but he also wants them to like him.

Batman, on the other hand, looks a little dirty.

For a very long time, Superman wouldn't get too involved with Lois Lane because he feared for her safety. Plus, as long as he was single, he could still score some hot mermaid action on the side:

She's one of those mermaids that wears a blouse.

Lois is a tough-talking career gal, but she absolutely melts when it comes to Superman. And who can blame her?

Perhaps even more charming is how bad Superman has it for Lois. The guy is romantic and old fashioned, falling hard for the smart, courageous city girl who isn't afraid to give Superman a piece of her mind. He knows he doesn't have a lot of time to spare for her, but he does his best. And Superman's best is pretty damn awesome.

Everyone wants a piece of Superman. The guy is in control of every situation, and he makes everyone feel more confident. It isn't just because of all the super powers, it's because he's a great guy and a great leader. Despite everything he's seen and been through, and it's a lot, he is still scandalized by common, everyday human hatred.

Lois hit the jackpot with this guy.

10/10

Day Job: Mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet. Although it doesn't get mentioned a lot, I get the impression that Clark Kent is an outstanding reporter, and has done very well for himself. He married an even bigger star reporter, making him one half of a Metropolis power couple...and this is the boring half of his life.

"All right, Clarkie, time to knock 'em dead!"

9/10

Sexiness of Powers:Dude, are you kidding?

Superman has all the powers. He's just a big bunch of powers, nicely packaged.

Yeah. Superman's powers are definitely sexy.

10/10

Cons: Superman has weird hobbies:

Something tells me that, whatever this is, there was a simpler solution.

Superman makes really bad jokes:

And sometimes he comes on a little strong:

But overall, you can't say a lot that's bad about him. At least, not since the Silver Age.

- 3

Final Score: 36/40

The Man of Steel takes his rightful place near the top of the Super Hunk ratings. I'll leave you with some Super Bondage.

June 26, 2007

Rating the Super Hunks #11: Dick Grayson

June 26, 2007/ Rachelle Goguen

You knew this one was coming. This week Super Hunk theatre presents the pin-up pretty boy of the DCU...

Dick Grayson, aka Nightwing

Costume/Appearance:

Little Dick Grayson. He grew up. He filled out. He got hot...eventually.

The current Nightwing costume is great. Really nice-looking. Nice colours, nice lines, nice fit. Also, great hair. I have no complaints about the current Nightwing costume. Or the appearance of the man filling it.

But we can't ignore the fact that it took Dick a loooong time to get there. And we had to see some pretty disgusting incarnations of Nightwing first.

No.

"When i look over my shoulder, I don't want to see a damn thing, alright?"

No.

"I'm growing a ponytail, bruce, and you can't stop me!"

No.

Super no.

Alright, that last one wasn't technically a Nightwing costume, but Jesus. If you can stand it, take some time to really study that thing. You'll notice that, as well as high-waisted baggy jeans, a short-sleeve polka-dot Oxford, Achy Breaky hair and intensely hairy arms, Dick is wearing loafers with no socks. You can stand in front of all the Ferraris you want and you will never look good wearing that.

I also abhor that long, disgusting rat-tail thing that Dick was rocking for awhile. It's so gross. It's like a serpent. I also never understood why it was way longer than his hair was when it wasn't pulled back. *shudder*

But if we focus on the now, and ignore the past, Dick is a looker.

Every nightwing comic should have a shower scene.

8/10

Personality:

I'm not sure how to put this lightly, but Dick Grayson is kinda...dumb. Or, if not dumb, he is lacking common sense. And he thinks with his manhood more than his brain, rivaling even Hal Jordan in this department (uh, the thinking part...I don't know about the manhood part). For a kid who grew up under the constant watch and teachings of Batman, Dick is a bit of a disappointment. I mean, he's a good leader and strategist, but overall...

On the positive side, Dick still retains a lot of the playful boyishness that we knew and loved in him as Robin. Again, considering his being raised by Bruce Wayne, having any kind of sense of humour is impressive. And he's, y'know, a nice guy who wants to help people.

Remember when he was partnered with that gay cop, and the other mean cops were beating up the gay cop, and Dick intervened? And when the mean cops asked Dick if he was his boyfriend or something, Dick said "What if I am?" That was nice. He gets a point for that.

I like Dick Grayson. I like him a lot. But he ain't no Tim Drake. And he is certainly these two things:

1. Boring

2. Horny

He gets a lot of play. A LOT of play:

"Nice to meet you, my name is mmrrrff!!"

"BUT, WE ONLY HAVE FIVE MINUTES!""I ONLY NEED TWO." — "BUT, WE ONLY HAVE FIVE MINUTES!"
"I ONLY NEED TWO."

this is the hottest thing i have ever seen.

Even when he looks like this:

can we just take a moment to appreciate her outfit?

Dude, we're just as surprised as you are.

The fact that Nightwing is one of the most sexually active superheroes out there certainly earns him some points in the hunk department. And the fact that I can now look at him without throwing up certainly helps. He's not...great...with women. But look at who he had as a teacher.

7/10

Day Job:

Dick Grayson was a City of Blundhaven police officer. I think that's awesome. That means when he's not fighting crime...he's fighting crime.

"Also I took off my shoes. And my pants got ripped. And my shirt got ripped. And my hair got sexily mussed."

But now he's just Nightwing. Oh...he runs a circus school. That's...not really all that sexy.

8/10

Sexiness of Powers:

Dick has no powers, but he was trained by Batman. And, before that, he was trained as one of the top circus acrobats in the world. The result is that he rules at fighting, and can do crazy aerial stunts. He's strong and graceful. Of course that's sexy.

Plus, he's apparently the only person in the world who can do a quadruple somersault.

10/10

Cons:

Dick Grayson's name is 'Dick.' I'm taking one point off for that. I'm also deducting points for his tendency to grow his hair badly, the fact that his comic is pretty boring, and for jerking Barbara Gordon around.

-4

Final Score: 29/40

He's sexy alright, but he'll always just be sidekick sexy. Plus, Tim Drake is going to grow up to look exactly like him, but way more awesome. Why have hamburger when you can wait a few years for steak?

June 19, 2007

Rating the Super Hunks #10: Cyclops

June 19, 2007/ Rachelle Goguen

Time to rate another super hunk. I'm shopping in the Marvel universe this week and have chosen the fearless, somewhat weinerish leader of the X-Men...