High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Strangest Clock in the Universe, By Johnathan

Oh, man. No preamble today - we're just hopping right in. Presenting The Strangest Clock in the Universe:

Strange in that it assumes that there is only one time zone on each planet, that is. I mean, sure it's convenient, but what about all of those poor folk in Japan or wherever who are stumbling around in the dark while it's 1:26 TE (Time on Earth)? I bet that they wish that they were allowed to see the sun once in a while, but really: who ever heard of people sleeping during the afternoon and working in the wee hours of the morning? Not the Science Police, baby. They really crack down on those sort of shenanigans, from their well-lit home base in New Metropolis.

Also, there only seem to be mini-clocks for planets with divisible-by-twelve-hour days, which would explain why I've never heard of any of these places. The Legion never go to any of them because they're just six boring lumps of rock with appropriate rotations. Zanno, for instance, is three feet in diameter and orbits the fourth smallest star in the galaxy.

Seriously, though. This clock could be so cool. It could be a holographic cloud that reassembles itself into different timepieces from across the galaxy or a mass of moving parts that becomes itself into a working representation of different star systems or a Massive, Multi-sided Orange/Red Polygonal Gadget (MMORPG) with a different clock face on each facet. This... thing is possibly the Lamest Clock in the Universe.

Strangest Clock in the Universe? You're NOT APPROVED.

In the same issue (Adventure Comics No. 312) appeared the Mechanical Librarian:

The Mechanical Librarian seems to do a decent enough job but I'm gonna have to come out as against it. A major part of going to the library, Legionnaires, is meeting hot librarians and developing crushes on them. Duh.

NOT APPROVED

[Followup: I was pretty happy with this post at one point but looking at it now I think it kind of blows. What can I say: I didn't get enough sleep last week (c'mon, buy it, buy it) and I think it affected my ability to communicate thoughts in a rational manner. Or I just suck, whichever. Anyway, sorry. This post is NOT APPROVED]

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Super-Loom, By Johnathan

Time for more fantastic technology of the future! Today we turn to Adventure Comics No. 282, wherein Star Boy makes his first appearance. He's on Earth to track down an escaped criminal, and he needs Superboy's help! Exciting stuff, yes? Not as exciting as the real plot! See, Lana Lang manages to overhear Star Boy tell Superboy his secret identity, and blackmails him into taking her to his future-world of Xanthu, there to fawn over her and make Superboy jealous. Let no-one say that Lana Lang is not ambitious. Let's see Archie Andrews go to such lengths for a hot date. In fact, I dare him to.

Anyway, as a part of this jealousy-inspiration plot, Star Boy is supposed to shower Lana with gifts, the more fantastic the better. He gets her fantastic gems, show her a good time and show off his mastery of the Super-Loom.

Now, I'm not quite sure what makes this particular loom super. Is it really fast? Is there a computer inside? Is it super like the Atom is super, in that it's smaller than a regular loom (and presumably weighs the same)? Heck is it just super because it's being operated by a super-hero? If a PhD used it, would it be a doctor-loom? Could my grandfather weave me something on a grandpa-loom (or a septuageni-loom)? I certainly hope so. Basically, though, the Super-Loom is only remarkable for its name. Oh, and for this:

Star Boy puts it away afterward! Honestly, that's possibly the only time that I've ever seen someone put something away in a comic book. Everyone's like me, age 8 - just leave it where it is when you're done. Star Boy's so conscientious.

JOHN APPROVED

By the way, Superboy figured out Lana's plan right away (like he always did) and so not only didn't get jealous but turned things around by hitting on this chick named Zynthia and making Lana feel the sting of a great big backfire. What's notable for the purposes of this review, though, is Zynthia's prime mode of transportation:

The mighty Sky Canoe! Second-most popular form of transportation on Xanthu, behind the Sea Car but far, far ahead of the Land Helicopter! Fly through the air in a notoriously tippy vehicle, without seat belts! Know the joy of controlling your fate and course with a piece of bent pipe! Spew pollution like it was going out of style! The Sky Canoe - from the makers of Space Skateboard.

NOT APPROVED

High-Tech Tomorrow: Review of the Yes/No Desk, By Johnathan

Here we go with the first installment of that other series of reviews that I was talking about, featuring the astounding gadgetry of the far-off days of the Thirtieth Century! Thrill to the high-tech world of tomorrow, as envisioned by the people of yesterday! This is going to be such fun!

As with Future Zoo, I'm going to start off this series at the very beginning: Adventure Comics No. 247, the very first appearance of the Legion. Surprisingly, there's not too much in terms of really noteworthy technojunk in this issue. Oh sure, there are rocket cars and spherical zoos and ice cream shops featuring 'Nine Delicious Flavors From Nine Planets', but the only thing that really stood out in my mind was on the cover:

I don't know about you, but I love the Yes/No Desk. It's so decisive. I mean, talk about an efficient way to deliver bad news to someone, plus it's very much in tune with the Legion's policy of rejecting applicants in the most direct and spirit-crushing way possible. Look at poor Superboy - he's flabbergasted! I just hope that the "NO" button makes some sort of sprightly dinging noise when pressed, so that the moment is tied to as many senses in the memory as possible.

I'm very fond of visions of the future that basically predict extreme laziness, where labour-saving devices have become efficient enough that people are, say, pushing a button instead of raising their hand or saying "aye." By 1950s sci-fi logic, Earth of 2958 is about two generations away from becoming brains in jars.

Saturn Girl, by the way, is wearing possibly her best-ever costume in this picture. Too bad she never, ever wore it again.

The Yes/No Desk was such a good idea that the Legion of Super-Villains ripped it off as the Life/Death Desk in Superman No. 147:

It's still pretty lazy, but the Life/Death Desk just doesn't sing to me like the Yes/No model. I think it's because Life and Death are a lot harder to convey that Yes and No. I mean, the Legionnaires could have shaken their heads or given Superboy a thumbs-down - there are dozens of really easy ways to say no to someone. As in most things, the Super-Heroes trump the Super-Villains when it comes to commitment to inaction.

JOHN APPROVED