Fun with Romance Comics: Fun with Dave Madden!

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If you're confused about why girls lust over Robert Pattison, try and wrap your mind around who they crushed on 30 years ago.

 

Free poster of Dave Madden? Best known for his role as Reuben Kincaid, the harried agent for The Partridge Family, according to Wikipedia? No way!

  

Huh. Well, there it is. I don't know if I see the appeal. He was sort of a father figure, right? A dark, looming protector?

So, maybe Robert Pattison is the modern Dave Madden.

The JLA hits the streets in style!

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Now I believe, left to right, that we are looking at Green Lantern, The Flash, Aquaman, Batman, Superman, The Atom and Hawkman.

And now, left to right, I will review what they are wearing.

Green Lantern

If you were the Green Lantern, and your super hero costume was a high-collared green top and some black pants, would you choose to wear a green turtleneck and black pants for your street clothes? Basically he is only missing the flimsy domino mask here. That's a poor disguise, Hal.

The Flash

Ah, Barry Allen. A man of no style. Or, at least, a man of very conservative style.

Actually, I say that, but if I saw a man wearing a yellow or gold three-piece suit, I would think it was pretty daring.

Aquaman

As if it even matters what anyone else is wearing because the only guy you are going to notice in this crowd is Aquaman. This daring number seems to boast "Hey, Green Arrow, THIS is how you wear a lace-up shirt." It's possible, of course, that Aquaman really has no idea what "street clothes" are. And who could blame him?

Superman

We can't see Clark Kent from the neck down here, but let's assume he's wearing an over-sized, rumpled affair that his mom bought him. Or we can pretend that he is hiding behind Bruce Wayne because he is embarrassed to be wearing the same outfit as Aquaman. Whatever you prefer.

Batman

Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce MF Wayne. Here's a man who looks like a million bucks, because he spent a million bucks on his coat. And this really works as a disguise because you wouldn't look at this guy and think "I'll bet he's Batman." You think "I'll bet Batman wants to be this guy."

The Atom

We can't really see what The Atom is wearing. In fact, I am not even sure that is The Atom. I just assume it is. It could just be some guy running for the train who got caught up in the JLA posse at this exact moment.

Hawkman

So what has caught Hawkman's attention? An attractive lady perhaps? A police siren? I would actually guess that it's his own reflection in a shop window, because he looks so damn gooooood. He's just strutting down the street, singing his private themesong in his head ("Hawkman is swinging, Hawkman is swinging, Hawkmaaaaaan... Hawkman swinging") wondering if he should maybe undo another button. The fact that he's wearing a shirt at all, and not wearing wings and a hawk mask, makes this a pretty good disguise.

Panel taken from Justice League of America v.1 #89, one of the most insane and self-indulgent comics ever written.

What if Batman was Bruce Wayne and vice versa?

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I love nothing more than that moment where I am reading an old comic and something tips me off that this issue is going to be amazing.

Batman #303 definitely has one of those moments. In this comic, Batman gets knocked on the head and gets all confused. He thinks that Bruce Wayne is the crimefighter and Batman is the billionaire playboy! Awesome, right?

Check it out. It all starts in a museum after a fight with a villain who gets away.

Awwww...poor Batman. So confused. So sad. But he gets his confidence back soon when he sees the Bat-signal.

That panel is rad.

Now watch as Bruce Wayne baffles Commissioner Gordon:

Sooo confusing. Bruce Wayne seems to understand that Batman is the mysterious masked vigilante identity, yet he still thinks that Bruce is the one who fights crime. Anyway, who cares? The important thing is that we get panels like this one:

I love that Gordon just thinks that Batman is disguised at Bruce Wayne for some reason. Gordon is a tired, tired man. At this point he's just like "Whatever."

No time to linger there, though! Bruce Wayne has to beat up Raveen!

Watch as Bruce hands out the most suggestive trash talk EVER:

He'll have to blow your brains out without a gun? But how will he do...ohhhhhhhh.

Bruce also punches a dude's hair off during this fight:

So obviously it's a problem that all these people are seeing Bruce Wayne beat up a room of people, Batman-style. But don't worry. Bruce uses some quick thinking here to cover up an onlooker's accusation:

That should put an end to any further questions.

Alfred notices that something is amiss!

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The next morning, things get even weirder:

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Skipping ahead, Alfred is unable to keep Batman from leaving the house in the Batman costume in broad daylight. This causes some confusion with the Gotham public:

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So Batman, feeling like an outcast, seeks refuge. This allows for the writers to make a SICK HIPPIE BURN!!!

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Let no one say that 1978 is too late to be making hippie jokes!

No matter where Batman goes, people laugh at him or threaten him. It's sad. And it prompts this outburst:

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"Good grief!" says Batman!

I always thought Batman already had "one of those days."

What I am trying to say, in a long-winded way, is that Batman #303 is awesome.

Rachelle VS a letter from over 30 years ago

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Here is a letter that was printed in Lois Lane #115 (1975):

Bitch, calm down. First of all, she's a fictional character so any answer to the question "What happened?" is going to sound crazy. And secondly, let's have a look at this allegedly "bulky" and "sometimes even fat" heroine (from Lois Lane #111).

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Thorn is so fat, she has to iron her clothes in the driveway! When she jumps she gets stuck!

This art was drawn by Gray Morrow and it is BEAUTIFUL. Are you kidding me? She looks totally foxy. She just looks real.

For the record, this is what Thorn usually looked like: