This Might Be My Favourite Series of Posts

You may or may not remember my special report on some alternate, reader-suggested costumes for Robin a while back, and Rachelle's post on some terrible costumes that Batman was retconned into having considered even further back. Well, guess what? I have more! Evidently the suggestions just kept on rolling in, and in Batman No. 259 they printed up another batch.

 

Of course the fact that the costume on the lower right is very similar to the modern Red Robin grab is interesting and worth noting and nodding thoughtfully while stroking your chin, but the tunic/hairdo/moustache combo on the upper left is simply breathtaking. If only this had become the official Robin costume of the 70s - what an amazing cultural artifact that would have been! what mileage the comic bloggers of today would be getting out of it! Mourn, mourn for what might have been.

 

Oh, and that one at the top looks like a red version of the Nightwing costume. That's cool. 

Minor Villain Showcase: The Wind

It has been noted that early Green Arrow tales are basically early Batman with the bats removed. And without any good supporting cast. Plus there are arrows.

The excellent thing about this, at least from the perspective of someone who writes about comic books on the Internet, is that where Batman pitted himself against a small collection of quality villains and a stream of second-stringers, Green Arrow rated Grade B antagonists at best. Virtually everyone he ever fought was an ode to how not to commit super-crime.

Case in point: the Wind, who made his one and only appearance in World's Finest Comics No. 37.

High Point of Career:

I suppose that one could count having the balls to go up against two of the greatest archers in the world using only a high-powered fan as a pretty decent accomplishment, and it is indeed impressive that the Wind manages to stymie Green Arrow and Speedy on two separate occasions:

Impressive, yes, but even more so is that magnificent costume. Just look at it! 

An orange suit with a blue cape/cowl combo, topped with a head-mounted weather vane? By any metric this costume should be a disaster, but the Wind actually manages to pull it off. My best guess as to why this horrible conglomeration is so appealing is that old man hatchet-face sticking out from under the cowl. Evidently the wearing of ill-conceived super-villain costumes are yet another activity that you can add to the list of things that only irascible old men can hope to get away with anymore, like pinching ladies' bottoms or casual racism.

Mode of Defeat:

Twofold! First, Green Arrow and Speedy finally noticed the enormous fan that had been blowing their arrows off-course for the last two days and, instead of walking in a wide arc around the stream of air and turning off the power to the thing, built themselves a giant bow and arrow with which to shoot it. Because a crime-fighting theme isn't worth a damn if it isn't applicable to every situation.

Of course, while they were eliminating the Wind's power of Standing Near an Enormous Fan-Equipped Truck, the Wind himself was making his escape. And then there were about five more pages of horsefeathers that I can't be bothered to remember. The important part, though, is that everything culminated in a dramatic bout of fisticuffs atop an arrow-shaped tower... 

... where the Wind was almost blown to his doom by a powerful gust of wind. It was irony what got 'im in the end, guv.

Low Point of Career:

I'm going to preface this by saying that I love Golden and Silver Age comics. They're great - I'll probably read some after I finish writing this. A large part of reading such comics is accepting them for what they are - if you spend all of your time picking apart the characters and the plot according to today's standards you suck all of the joy out of the experience. 

Having said that... the Wind's plan is complete horseshit.

A man named A. Wynd, an arrow collector, the Wind is unable to acquire the penultimate piece for his collection: a set of the arrows that Green Arrow and Speedy use to fight crime. So he puts on a costume and commits a series of crimes in such a way that arrows are scattered everywhere for him to acquire afterward. AND he doesn't actually complete the thefts that he starts, so that he can't be arrested once he gets what he wants. But having jumped through such hoops to avoid possible prosecution, Wynd immediately lets slip that he is going to complete his collection by straight up stealing a historically significant arrow from the next town over.

What he doesn't do:

Remember that he sent Green Arrow a letter the month before, begging for arrows.

Recall that his name is Wynd, which coincidently sounds the same as the costumed alter-ego he assumes.

Steal that last arrow before abandoning his identity-concealing mask.

Follow Green Arrow around for a week or two, which would have allowed him to collect enough discarded arrows to build another eerie themed house.

Collect anything that is actually at all interesting. That is, anything other than arrows.

The Wind, ladies and gentlemen! His whole dang life was a low point!

 Good night!

Never a Bat Around When You Need One

I'm sure that most of you are familiar with the part of Batman's origin in which he chooses his theme:

It's one of the iconic Batman moments, and even though it's been watered down over the years by such ideas as L'il Bruce Wayne falling down into what would someday become the Batcave and being traumatized by bats, or Thomas Wayne's bat-themed Halloween costume making a subconscious impression on his son, or every ancestor Wayne ever being a chiropterophile (and also all being the same dude, and that dude being him), there's still a rich vein of comedy there that people still occasionally mine. "Hey, what is Batman saw a dog instead of a bat? He'd be Dogman! Hilarious, right? Or if he saw some mail, he'd be Postman!"

The very best thing about this not-always-amazing joke, though, is that it's canonically accurate. DC has used the concept for "What if?" and alternate universe style stories several times over the years. My favourite of these, however, is this two-page bit of filler from Batman No. 256.

I like it best because it suggests a number of very interesting things about Bruce Wayne and his uncompromising hunt for vengeance on crime. Firstly, there is a hint that if he hadn't come up with a costume during WWII he might have to be having some serious talks with some serious men about his habit of dressing like other people's intellectual property. Or maybe there are only so many looks you can give a scorpion-themed outfit, I don't know.

Then there's the implication that Bruce would take his omen/totem beast so very seriously that he would not just dress up like it but stay exactly where he was when he saw it. See a bat? Gotham's streets now have a pointy-eared champion. Scorpion wander into your campsite? Look out, claim jumpers and other desert-type evildoers! "Hey Bruce, check out that stingray!" Time to start taking scuba lessons.

And of course that segues into my theory that these panels represent a series of branching possible timelines, that without the bat crashing through his window Bruce Wayne would have continued to stare at his table and grope for inspiration. And then he went camping and did or did not see a scorpion, and if he didn't he took a riverboat tour. And if he didn't see something eerie on that tour then Bruce Wayne would have abandoned his company and accepted a position as a forest ranger - anything to find that elusive spark that would catalyze the lifetime of face-punching that he so longed for.

Eventually, of course, Bruce starts to get desperate, as seen above. But he hasn't lost his vengeful spark! He takes what might be the least threatening astronomical object - or at least the object tied with Cloud of Interstellar Hydrogen for least threatening - and turns into what is actually kind of a creepy costume.

Now, this is the really telling one, the one that reveals just how long Bruce Wayne could have kept his anger focused without a totem to channel it through. Some of Wayne's careful honing of mind and body has come undone if his response to almost getting clobbered by a suit of armour is to put it on and employ it in a career of rooftop vigilanteism. The joke has come full circle here: we might as well be seeing the grim vigil of the Marble Statue or the Carelessly Hoisted Piano. It's all written there in that stock-upright, what-the-hell-am-I-doing-up-here stance. In this universe, Superman's best friend is the Flash.

Henchman Fashion File: The Rocketeer's Rocketeer-Racketeers

It's that time again: time to over-analyze the fashion choices that the super-villain on the go is making for his underlings. What fun we shall have!

The Villain: This is the guy, and I'm going to call him the Rocketeer (more on that later):

The Rocketeer (no relation) had a cunning plan to steal missiles in-flight for... some reason. The issue was actually less about whatever he was scheming as it was about the personal heartbreak of Batman's pal, who hadn't followed his family's tradition and gone into the armed forces and so had to be the best scientist ever in order to have some semblance of self-respect. And the fact that people were going to the trouble of stealing them mid-flight wasn't proof that they were good rockets, either, so don't bring that up in the comments.

The Rocketeer (no relation) was also notable for having a much worse costume than his underlings, but again, more on that later.

The Henchmen: These guys I'm calling the Rocketeer-Racketeers, because it's on the cover.

As far as henchmen go, the Rocketeer-Racketeers have it pretty sweet: they get to fly, they have great costumes... The only problem is that they just aren't all that good at their jobs. Or possibly that they were hired solely for their abilities in the stealing-a-rocket-in-flight field and were never actually tested for Batman-opposing skills. What I'm trying to say is that they are incompetent, to the extent that I don't know if I have any more pictures that feature them not being punched out.

Attractiveness of Costumes:

I'm going to come right out and say it: these things are totally awesome. Flared gloves? Goggles? Head and shoulder fins? Hell, even their pistols look like they were stolen from a moon-man. It's only the fact that the whole thing is bright orange that disqualifies this from my list of potential Halloween costumes, and the little rocket on the chest almost outweighs that.

4/5

Utility of Costume:

Also surprisingly high, actually. As opposed to some of our earlier examples of henchman couture, the Rocketeer-Racketeers  appear to actually be appropriately attired. There are no awkwardly-placed tail-fins just waiting to get stuck in an inconvenient hedge, no giant rocket-shaped helmets to make them top-heavy, and they reliably fly! Well, semi-reliably. Also, I'm concerned about the placement of the jets - I reckon that over the long term the Rocketeer (no relation) is going to be dealing with a lot of lower-back injury related workman's comp claims.

There's also the issue of speed. As far as I can tell, these particular rocket packs must fluctuate wildly. After all, they managed to catch at least three rockets in-flight, but later on:

It sure does look like they get overtaken by a couple of guys in parachutes. And even if that's not the case, they definitely get out-manouvered by them. Happily for the Rocketeer-Racketeers, though, they regain some of their lost points via this little innovation:

Given the amount of time that these fellows spend crashing into the ocean, an amphibious mode is basically the best option that they could have thought to build into their suits. Hell, they kind of out-thought Batman on that one. Good call!

4/5

Budget for Costumes:

Exactly where it should have been, in my opinion. If you're going to go into super-crime then you have to go all the way. If there's one place that they skimped, it was on the surplus Orange fabric that they used to make the things. At least they all have the same colour.

The high quality of his henchmen's uniforms, in fact, is likely to be the reason behind the Rocketeer's abysmal fashion choices. Desperate to distinguish himself from the common hench-rabble, he added element after element, little caring that each one took more and more away from the attractiveness of the whole. Especially the writstbands and rocket-fin helmet. Only the rakish moustache was a good idea.

3/5

Chance for Bonus Points: Does the Villain Have a Lieutenant with a Marginally Cooler Costume and Possibly a Name?

Kind of? Actually, the Rocketeer 9no relation) himself fills that role, as he's kind of a first among equals. In the context of the story, it's the group that's referred to as the Rocketeers, or the Racketeers, or maybe the Rocketeer-Racketeers. So even though he's clearly the leader, the Rocketeer is also kind of the one henchman with a nicer more elaborate uniform. But no name. 

I just kind of confused myself, so I arbitrarily decide that he gets no bonus points. Still, the final total is a very respectable 11/15. Good job, you orange-clad crash-monkeys.

Enjoy your victory, Rocketeers!

IN JAIL.

Sweater Vests Never Really Caught on Like Capes Did

Consider this a companion piece to Rachelle's post on rejected Batman costumes from the depths of the 90s. Back in 1969, Dick Grayson finished high school - after only 25 years! take that, Archie! - and moved away to attend an institute of higher learning. A few readers took this opportunity to point out that maybe it was time for Robin to finally graduate from the hot-pants-and-pixie-boots look into something more... grown up. As Robin himself put it:

Yes, it was time for

So sit back and enjoy these fine examples of cutting-edge costume design, as determined by an earlier generation of comics fan.

I think that the upper right design on each page is my favourite. What about you?

90s Week: Back to the Drawing Board with Bruce Wayne

In 1995 a team of "archaeologists" at DC discovered Bruce Wayne's long lost collection of concept sketches for his costume. These sketches were released in the form of an Elseworld entitled Batman: Knight Gallery, and let me tell you, it has not aged well.

From these historic drawings we learn that:

a) Bruce Wayne was ahead of his time in terms of costume design;
b) Bruce Wayne has terrible ideas, and
c) Bruce Wayne draws a lot like some of the top artistic talent at DC circa 1995 (and also Jim Balent)

By the way, I hope you like pointy shoulders, because you are going to be seeing a lot of them.

My favourite thing about the above design is that the Bat-emblem is a brooch. My least-favourite thing is everything else. But as you will soon see, this is probably the best costume design of the lot.

The answers to his shoulder questions are yes, yes, and yes. Also: they look ridiculous. And I would have to think that his cape being feathered that way on the bottom would make gliding difficult. And it has an ugly belt and it's Not dark enough.

Well this gives "sharp dresser" a whole new meaning.

Ears better - more fierce & intimidating. Also, can make shish kabobs on them.

Some vision and snag concern re shoulder hooks & gauntlet projections. SOME?! SOME?! Nothing could be within a foot and a half of him without getting stabbed.

"Robin, you head that way and I'll...oh shit, sorry Robin."

And what are the shoulder spikes good for? Does he have a problem with seagulls landing on him? (Also, this one was designed by James "Jim" Balent, who I am sure needs no introduction).

Bruce is worried that this look is "too fancy." I am more concerned by the fact that it is "too stupid," "too ugly," and looks "too much like Batman is being sucked down the drain."

I don't really see how this design would hinder agility more than the pointy ones.

We have the hilarious bat-emblam-as-brooch look going on again here, and we have a right shoulder adornment that I cannot figure out at all. I am also not sure how he puts the boots on.

Oh, I don't know if it sacrifices all of the fear factor. I would be pretty scared if I saw anyone wearing this. Because they would look crazy. I am picturing this entire suit being made out of crushed velvet in royal blue and shiny grey.

Bruce Wayne and I clearly have different definitions of "good."

This is...I just...

And you know if 1995 dudes were looking at this page and saying "Oh man, that is so wicked!"

And in case you were wondering what it might look like in red:

How would he even fit in the Batmobile with those things on his shoulders?

But wait, it gets worse:

It certainly is memorable, but I don't know about striking. Confusing is a better adjective. Why would he need hooks all the way up his thighs?

I am trying to picture Batman, whenever this was supposed to be (the past), sketching this thing. And being ok with it. Considering it.

I think I am actually going to keep this page in a drawer somewhere so when my future children ask me what the 90s were like I'll just show them that. And they will cry.

I would say it is more than "verging" on the bizarre. It has kicked bizarre in the nuts and just kept running. As for not being terrifying, well...I wouldn't feel comfortable if I was cornered at a party by someone wearing it.

But how about the Donnie Darko rabbit look?:

It also looks very uncomfortable. And I doubt it breathes well.

Y'know, even if you did as he suggests and combine the best elements of each of these designs, you would still have a truly hideous costume.

There were also some Robin costume concepts, which were...not great...

So there are a bunch of reasons why the 1990s was an ugly and regrettable decade for superhero comics.To DC's credit, at least they just put out this Elseworld book of crazy 90s costumes instead of actually changing Batman's costume to one of these. At least until Azrael showed up.