Review of the Forbidden Loves of Superman, By Johnathan

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In reading tales concerning the life and times of the good ol' Man of Steel I've noticed something: Superman's love life is often pretty creepy. Now I'm not referring to the eternal distance that he maintains between himself and Lois Lane/ Lana Lang - that's just perplexing - and I'm not talking about the one time that he was willing to settle down being with a mermaid. I'm talking about how he keeps trying to make time with his relatives.

Now, I can kind of almost see the reasoning behind this tendency, from a writing standpoint. Pre-1985, Superman is ridiculously powerful - easily the strongest, most invulnerable dude in the DC Universe. For him to have anything approaching an equal relationship, power-wise, he'd pretty much have to date inside his family. This, however, does not make the concept any less creepy.

To show you precisely what i mean, here's some picture evidence.

Action Comics No. 289 is a real gem. It's given me material before and it will again. And why not? It's got a perfect Silver Age ridiculous plot:


Supergirl saw a movie about a sorrowful bachelor, which naturally gets her thinking about her cousin Kal-El - what if he never gets married? Basically, civilization as we know it would crumble. Supergirl decides to find a suitable dame for Superman, resulting in not a few hijinks - she tries Helen of Troy first, but Helen turns out to be something of a colossal wench, and so she's out. Then she tries to get him together with Saturn Woman of the grown-up Legion of Super-Heroes, but she turns out to have gotten married, so that plan is also out the window.

Finally, Supergirl confesses her worries to the big guy, which triggers possibly the most uncomfortable moment in comics history:

Sheesh! Aw, Superman... that's just, um... incredibly wrong. Look at how he's got her chin, and how close he's standing... he completely *wants* his fifteen-year old cousin. Not only that, but Supergirl can tell - check out the expression on her face - she's freaking out, probably because she remembers this incident.

So the justifiably-freaked-out Supergirl rushes off and finds somebody to take the bullet for her - her super-powered doppelganger on the planet Staryl.

Superman takes the bait, thereby making Luma Lynai Creepy Object of Desire No. 2: Someone who you're only after because they look just like an adult version of your teenaged cousin (who is Creepy Object of Desire No. 1). Despite this, they seem to get on well:




But it all ends in tears, in the good ole DC manner - Supes doesn't even think about staying on her planet (or visiting occasionally for some super-nookie, or trying to solve her problem, or anything else) , he goes home to hug Supergirl some more, and everything goes back to normal, except that the Man of Steel now creeps everyone out.

Not that he gives up, as seen in the very brief appearance of Creepy Object of Desire No. 3: Your cousin, just from another dimension.

See? He's totally folding under the mild flirtations handed out by his extra-dimensional cousin. Don't do it, man! Check the DNA!


No resistance to kryptonite, magic, or gettin' some. "Trophy room" my eye.

The No. 4 Creepy Object of Desire isn't really his fault, but it's still telling when a scene plays out like this:

A young man who has come to the future meets an attractive young lady who is wearing next to nothing...

He tries to impress her with a show of strength, they talk for a while. He's starting to feel pretty confident...

Wait for it...

And she's his descendant. Which probably messed up his libido for a while - maybe that's why he grew up to be the kind of guy who hits on fifteen-year olds that he's related to.

All in all: Bad form, Superman. Bad form.

NOT APPROVED.

Bob Haney Rules Week: Closing Ceremonies

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It is with a heavy heart that I write this, the final post in Bob Haney Rules Week.

I just read Brave and the Bold #138.

The world's two greatest escape artists? Awesome!

Batman talks a lot like Dean Martin in this book:



And he wears an extra-long cape, it seems.

The best thing about this story, though, is that it leads to this:

If I were the bad guy I would have taken an extra minute to remove Batman's belt as well. Anyway, this is all very awkward and embarrassing for Mr Miracle. He's not happy:

I love that. Batman's all, "Now just relax, Scott. What's your hurry? Let's try to make the most of a bad situation here..."

Actually, Batman is basically useless throughout this entire story. He's lucky he has Mr Miracle along.

Mr Miracle busts out of that net, without clothing, and yells an awesome threat at the villain. And Batman...sits and swings like a market cheese.

Well, he did offer this piece of expert detective work:

And that, my friends, is why he's the World's Greatest Detective.

(And, really, who doesn't engrave their name on their pickaxe?).

You shut your mouth, Batman! This is a Haney comic and it can and WILL work! Be gone with your scientific reasoning and pesky facts! There is no room for them here in Haneytown! I'll not have you spoiling my fun!

Alright. So there you have it. Bob Haney rules. I'm not saying that I forgive him for the Super Sons, but...well, maybe that is what I'm saying. Here's a bonus panel from the Saga of the Super Sons that I left out of my post about them:

Bruce Wayne: father of the year.

A Bob Haney Milestone!

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The penultimate Bob Haney Rules Week post.

I just picked up the 150th issue of Brave and the Bold, which also happened to be Bob Haney's 117th issue of the same series. And don't you dare suggest that after 117 B&B stories, Haney may have run out of ideas, because that just isn't true! In fact he gives us one of his most entertaining stories ever in this issue. It's completely bonkers.

Basically, Bruce Wayne is kidnapped by some terrorists. He is guarded by a giant thug named Keeper Karns.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. Keeper Karns is Superman in disguise. I'm sorry to ruin it for you, but it makes these panels way more entertaining. It's evident that Superman is enjoying playing the role of Bruce's prison guard a little too much. Perhaps he's getting out some pent-up frustration. At any rate, it's a good act because Bruce doesn't suspect a thing.

Ok, remember: the big guy in the green coat is really Superman.


He's really throwing himself into that role, eh?

The reason why Superman is involved in all this: the terrorists also have Jimmy Olsen, and have said that if they see Superman in the skies over Gotham, they will kill him. So obviously Superman had no choice but to dress like this Keeper Karns fellow and kick the holy hell out of Bruce Wayne for an evening.

The really entertaining thing is that Bruce escapes from and returns to where he's being held prisoner a couple of times during the night. And each time he gets his ass handed to him by Keeper "Superman" Karns. Then Bruce, being the detective that he is, starts to notice Karns's powers.

Getting warmer, Bruce.

What crook indeed? Wait a minute...Superman doesn't fit that bill either! That sounds more like Martian Manhunter! Superman doesn't go through walls!

Meh. Anyway, Bruce FINALLY figures it out and, being the professional that he is, subtly lets his pal know while they fight off the terrorists:

Dude! Shut up! Superman did not go to all this trouble just to have you yelling his secret from the rooftops, dumbass. Or does he have to tie you up and beat you again?

The whole thing is pretty bizarre, and I'm not convinced that it's not all an elaborate prisoner/guard role-playing sex game that Bruce set up. Billionaires do weird stuff like that, right?

Bob Haney: Black and White

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Bob Haney Rules Week rages on! Now in fabulous black and white!

It's nice to see Batman enjoy himself from time to time. But I think he might have hit the bottle a little hard before heading out on patrol this night:

He's making a Spider-Man reference! My brain just exploded.

Aww, look at him, bouncing around for no reason. Talking like a twelve-year-old. Remember when Batman used to smile?

Like, really smile. To the point where it was very creepy?

Do you think that's true? Do you believe that that moment remains Batman's most cherished honour? I think he's lying through his giant, creepy teeth.

I don't mean to get distracted by the artwork when the focus is supposed to be on Haney's zany writing. The creepy smiling is awesome, but really couldn't even happen if the storyline didn't make Batman the guest of honour at a Chinese New Year party. (Why? Because it's "The Year of the Bat." Uhhhh...sure. Why not?).

This Week's Haul: Batman + Me Forever

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Nothing cures a hangover like a big pile of shiny new comic books.

This week's post is inspired by some background graffiti in Wonder Woman. Someone awesome clearly wrote it:


We'll get to more Batman later, but first...

Superman Confidential #4

I can't help it. Everytime I think of this comic that High School Confidential song runs through my head.

I really like this series. There is no question that it is being overshadowed by All-Star Superman, and that's too bad. The line-up here is pretty damn all-star as well. And the comic is a delightful throw-back to funner times, while also giving us a story we haven't heard before. And I don't know about all y'all, but I am more than happy to have two quality year-one-ish Superman books on the go. It's not redundant. It's just awesome. It's the Scottie Pippin of comics. The Mark Messier. Totally great, but sadly standing next to someone just a little bit greater.

This was my favourite issue of the series so far. Jimmy is well-used, Superman continues to be adorable, and this is the greatest panel ever:

I love it.

Wonder Woman #6

Lookin' good this week, WW! Also...this comic was fun! Like, actually about what I wanted this series to be about: Wonder Woman trying to fit in with humanity. That's good stuff! There were lots of little jokes that made me smile, in particular Diana trying to figure out how the subway ticket machine worked. And having no idea how much gas costs. Also, finding that her action figures were selling at 75% off because no one cares about her. The layers, people!

Two comics down, both were fun. Let's check the next one:

Catwoman #65

Another awesome cover.

And the comic inside? Fun! I've been loving Catwoman's recent Metropolis-based storyline. That doesn't mean I haven't been reading each issue and crying, Milhouse-style, "When is she gonna run into Superman?!" Well, she finally does in this issue. And he's a jackass. And it's funny. Also, there is a Lex-bot, a time machine that can only send you four minutes into the past, some petty theft, and a rocket launcher.

I love Catwoman so much. Someday I'll make a coherent post about how much I love this character. But I got more comics to review right now:

Batman #664


It was so hard not to read this first, but I wanted to save it.

Morrison! Kubert! Reunited and it feels so good! Like, seriously, THIS is a proper Batman comic. Bruce Wayne is sexy as all hell, and we get to see him do all sorts of rad Bruce Wayne things. Heli-skiing, dating a famous lady, fancy dining, and taking down a helicopter full of paparazzi by hurling a ski pole at it. (Plus, you know he totally got some after the fancy dining).

Back in Gotham, he's lookin' Kubert-fresh in his Batsuit, and helping prostitutes. And also...THROWING BATARANGS THAT ACTUALLY COME BACK TO HIM! I don't know why that excited me so much, but it really, really did. Obviously it excited Morrison and Kubert too because they devoted a whole (awesome) page to it.

And this is just about the greatest first page of a comic ever:

HA! Just leaving the office! Fantastic! I can't wait for the next issue.

Action Comics #847

Well, this was weird. It wasn't bad. It was pretty to look at, and kinda heartwarming. But certainly weird. It was so very Smallville (or, I suppose, Birthright). Jonathan Kent looked so much like a slightly older John Schneider.
This book is all about father/son bonding, which means very little to me. Jonathan tells Martha about a time that their son treated him to an exciting trip into space. They had lied to Martha and told her they were going ice fishing. If I were Martha, I would be mad as hell that no one thought that I might be interested in seeing outer space. But, y'know, the muffins would burn.

Looked nice. A little too sweet for my tastes. Possibly a little too sweet for Count Chocula's tastes. And that's coming from a devoted Smallville fan.

Connon Hawke: Dragon's Blood #5


Oh, Connor. You are a dreamboat, and you may even be straight (that certainly seems to be the point of your series, which I have been saying should be called Connor Hawke: Straight as an Arrow!), but I gotta say...getting a little bored with this story. And it's only six issues long. In this issue he kills a dragon with a magic arrow. Phew!

52 Week 47

Ow. My head. So many storylines. And even the Origin of the Teen Titans backup was confusing.

Ok, the Nanda Parbat Tim Drake stuff was good. Bruce Wayne locking himself in a cave for a week while Tim sits outside and drinks soup while thinking about a goose in a bottle? Sure. That qualifies as fun. Tim talking to Wonder Woman? I liked it. Then we got to the Batwoman stuff and I got confused and sleepy. But then...Doc Magnus! And he's totally nuts! Little pocket-sized metal men talking to him! All with Black Adam screaming in the background from Sivana's chambers (Do you think it might actually be Sivana that's screaming? That's what my money is on).
Animal Man! Awesome! I can't wait to see what he's been up to, I really...Oh. It's over. And now we have stupid boring Steel(s). And they are starting a stupid boring club for stupid boring people. NEXT!
Montoya! Still looking like Michael Jackson! Checking in on Batwoman and...Nightwing! I am familiar with you! Thank God!
And we're back to Wonder Woman and Tim and...Bruce Wayne! Bustin' out of the cave and lookin' really happy:

Maybe someone in the cave told him that Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert were going to be teaming up to do his comic. Or maybe he was thinking about me. The important thing is that he's looking real foxy. And I like to think the next words out of his mouth are "Tim, son. I had an epiphany. I'm a billionaire. Let's go buy some women and some fast cars! From now on things are going to be ok!"