Review of What If? By Johnathan

What If?, for those of you who may not be giant nerds, is an on-again, off-again series from Marvel comics, filled with tales of alternate realities and hosted by the cosmic-powered, blue-toga'd Watcher. The Watcher's entire race are bald, emotionally detatched voyeurs in blue togas who observe other civilisations for no discernable reason* and are not adverse to telling easily-illustrated tales of the wonders of the cosmos.

The series filled two major needs: firstly, it had about a hojillion artists, and each of them got to draw the Watcher as he or she had always envisioned him, from concerned alien baby:
To grotesque, horrifying alien baby:
But more than merely a vehicle for the apparantly burning need of all comic book artists to draw their own radical new type of alien baby in a blue toga, What If? allowed comic book writers free reign: as all of the stories were set in alternate dimensions, all bets were off. Mostly, this involved taking some major or minor event in Marvel continuity, putting a new spin on it, and killing off as many characters as logically possible, from a dead Iron Man in a story about the Hulk going nuts, to a pretty cool little yarn where giant snake gods eat literally everyone on earth.
But as cool as it always was to see how Captain Britain was going to get killed off this issue, the really great thing about What If? was when it suddenly veered off at right angles and gave you something like this:
Ghost Rider getting ready to sacrifice Pope John Paul II. I don't even remember why anymore. I'm just glad I saved the picture.

JOHN APPROVED

*Note to any comic book nerds that may read this post: Earth X was a shitty reimagining of the Marvel cosmology, and I choose to ignore it, so there.

All-Star Crap and Garbage

I think the world has stopped caring about All-Star Batman and Robin, but I just had a quick thought:

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, Frank Miller actually does have some sort of plot twist planned that will give a reasonable excuse for Batman's ridiculous new personality? The fact that they've made it to the Batcave kind of rules out Batman not really being Batman. And I am out of ideas. I am just trying to give Miller the benefit of the doubt because we all loved Dark Knight. But seriously...

Quotes like this from Miller don't fill me with hope that there's any kind of plan for this series:

Superman is in it, Lois and Clark are in it. Vicki Vale has a very big part in it as well. I want to reintroduce Batgirl, the original one, and of course, Gordon will be in it. There will probably be an appearance by Wonder Woman as well...and Catwoman, who’s another “must-have” character when you’re talking about Batman.

And Green Lantern will be in it, and Martian Manhunter, and Daredevil...and OOO!!! Emma Frost!

He has no plan.

It really doesn't matter because the issues come out so far apart that no one remembers what's happening anyway. We had four issues of driving in a car while Dick tried not to throw up, called Batman 'queer,' and sort of mourned his freshly slain parents. All the while being showered with obscenities from the world's greatest detective. That's basically all we need to know, I guess. I mean, we can just forget all that Black Canary stuff because I think we were just supposed to acknowledge that she has boobs, and they bounce when she fights.

The DC website is showing the release date for issue 5 as Nov 29, but issue 6 is out on Oct 11. I'll assume that they have accidently mixed up these dates, but I am not changing this blog's official Count-Down until I have proof.

I can think of at least two things wrong with this Batman and Robin cover:

Like, seriously! Why is it taking so long? Are they adding shading to Wonder Woman's rump?!

And why do I still care?

Review of big butts, By Johnathan

I cannot lie:

JOHN APPROVED

Darwyn Cooke: Boy Wonder (or how I learned to stop worrying and love Robin)

I could write forever about why and how much I love Darwyn Cooke's New Frontier. I'm not going to do that, because it's not like anyone needs convincing. It's clearly awesome.

I just want to point out one thing in particular about these books that I was really impressed by.

In just four pages, Darwyn Cooke made me love Robin with no reservations.

This is just so beautifully and perfectly done I almost can't stand it. It makes me want to cry.

Isn't it just so much better than, say, this:

Christ. Anyway.

It took me a long time to warm up to Robin. Years, really. I'm like a lot of Batfans; I like Batman as a loner, and sometimes it just doesn't make sense for Batman to have a partner. Especially a kid in primary colours. And sometimes it just seems that Robin is there for no reason. He's just been around for so long, that no one even bothers to examine what the hell he's doing there.

I've really liked the post-Crisis treatment of Batman and Robin's (Tim Drake) relationship. I'm sure there is going to be some drama ahead, what with the Son of the Demon making a comeback right after Bruce offers to adopt Tim legally as his son. That's going to be interesting. I really love Nightwing as a character. I like that the Robins get older, but Batman just keeps on rocking his mid-late 30s.

I listened to the podcast of the Big Three panel from ComicCon in San Diego. Grant Morrison said that he feels that Batman has learned more from Robin than Robin has learned from Batman. I really liked that comment. There has been a lot of attention in recent Batman comics (and by recent, I mean over the past few years) on the rather large family Batman has now assembled over time. He can't really consider himself to be a loner anymore, and I'm really into that. So I give credit to all the writers for making me like characters that I really wanted to hate. And for making me ok with a non-lonely Batman.

Someone asking a question at comic con to the JLA panel said that he would like to see Nightwing be a part of the new Justice League. The whole crowd, the panel, and myself all went "ooooooo!" That would be rad.

My point is that Robin is good with a little effort on the writer's part. Sometimes I'll be reading a perfectly good Batman story, and then there's an annoying kid hamming it up and ruining everything. It's often a jarring and unwelcome reminder that I spend a great deal of time and money on what is intended to be children's literature.

But, done right, you have one of the most touching relationships in comic book history.

Showcase Presents Superman, Volume II: Hilarity

Is anything funnier than Silver Age Superman?

Here are some panels that made me actually laugh out loud from this latest volume. I'm only about a third of the way through so far, but I had to share these:

To add to the comedy, they keep referring to that thing as a sea monster. That's a walrus. A very big walrus.

This is great. Mean Superman decides to dress Perry White in funny costumes for his own amusement. But nothing beats him turning Perry into a 'bum,' then taunting him, then taking his picture. The best part? I'll bet Superman didn't even have a dime on him.

What makes Superman mad? When ladies don't notice him...or his fake arm.

Then there was this whole other story that just needs to be told pretty much in its entirety because it's just that amazing.

It's the story of a love affair Superman has with the mysterious Mighty Maid. They meet, they both have the same powers, they fall in love in a hurry, and Superman decides to ask her to marry him. This naturally makes Lois sad. And it doesn't help that Superman is being a real ass about it.

Nice, Superman. Real nice.

Anyway, it all turns out to be an elaborate hoax. Overly elaborate if you ask me. Suspiciously elaborate, even. Because Mighty Maid turns out to be none other than Superman's teen cousin, Supergirl.

Ew?

Ok, here's the worst part: Supergirl was not even really in on the gag. She was being kept totally in the dark. So basically you have Superman telling his child cousin to make out with him in public and not ask questions.

And why was it that he insisted on this ridiculous plan? There were some aliens who wanted to wipe out every last Kryptonian, and since they believed him to be the last one, he tricked them into thinking he left Earth for another dimension, never to return again. That would force them to give up, and not blow up the Earth as planned. So it was noble. And COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY!

Superman basically had one objective: keep Earth from being blown up by angry aliens. The only plan he could come up with involved making out with his cousin for a few days. I just don't buy it. If that's the only idea you have, you have to think a little harder. Clearly Superman was just looking for an excuse. Any excuse.

Everything ends well for Lois.

I love so many things about these two panels:

a) Lois is falling off a building, and she looks almost bored. It just happens so often.

b) Lois is rescued in mid-air...actually, not even technically rescued yet...and all she's concerned about is Superman's marriage.

c) "It's true! Supergirl is 15 years old!" hahahaha...no, wait. Gross, Superman. That's not funny. That's gross.

d) Lois just heard Superman say that he almost married a 15 year old and all she can think is "Gee, still a chance for me!" Yup, Lois. He's all yours. Quite a catch. Guard your daughters.

I could practically scan this whole book. Every page is comedy gold. I don't know why they don't just market it as such.

Review of Comic Book Hilarity, by Johnathan

click it! click it good.

Ok, so as usual I'm starting my review with an image taken from a comic book, and as usual that image has been selected because it made me giggle when I saw it for the first time. Unusually, this panel has not been spirited away from a mid-Sixties comic novel, but rather from an issue of Shade the Changing Man, c. 1993. Now, it's not that contemporary (oh shit, '93 isn't that contemporary anymore, is it? Curse you, Father Time!) comics to not bring the laffs with them when they come to visit, it's just that we've all become so much more aware of our senses of humour since der Sixties. The above panel, featuring Ernest Hemingway clobbering a mutated alien police officer while James Joyce eggs him on, could certainly have occurred in a 1965 issue of Superman, but if it had, it wouldn't have been because someone had realized ahead of time that it'd be hilarious (well, probably not, anyway). It would have just happened. Superman would be dicking around in the past - telling people about the future, getting involved in important events, daring the laws of causality to be true, the usual - and he'd run into Hemingway and Joyce, and there'd be a scrap, because there always was. And that's why it would have been funnier to have found this exact panel in that 1965 Superman: because nobody involved meant for shit like this:

so very funny. They just wanted a picture of Clark Kent wrestling some guy, 'cause it was part of the plot. The result: comic gold. Cheap comic gold. Comic fool's gold. Yeah.

JOHN APPROVED

Wait, what did I just approve of?