Masters Of The Fourth World?

 A few weeks back, I mentioned how the Masters of the Universe live-action movie from 1987 was, in essence, the closest we’re ever gonna get to a New Gods movie. This isn’t my theory, by the way—former comics great/current comics crackpot John Byrne said as much in a Next Men letters column some years back, and MOTU director Gary Goddard confirmed Kirby’s influence in a letter printed in a later issue. A recent installment of the excellent Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed even discusses the connections between MOTU supporting character Zodac and New Gods mainstay Metron. I first saw the MOTU movie on cable in the Eighties when it was fairly fresh, and my only familiarity with Kirby’s New Gods characters would have been their inclusion in Kenner’s Super Powers toy line a few years before that. However, watching it again after having familiarized myself with (some less charitable souls might say becoming obsessed with) Kirby’s crazy mythology, the parallels were unavoidable.  Let’s have a look at the similarities, shall we?

 -Both feature a war between godlike beings on a higher plane of reality.

 -Both feature a cosmic despot (Darkseid/Skeletor) locked in combat with a noble yet barbaric warrior hero (Orion/He-Man).

 -In both, the struggle eventually comes to Earth, where a group of innocent humans become involved. In New Gods, the most ready examples of this are Claudia Shane, Harvey Lockman, Dave Lincoln, and Victor Lanza. In MOTU, it’s Courtney Cox (who, just like when Springsteen pulled her on stage in the video for Dancing In The Dark, is always being called on by a higher power).

There’s even a surly cop played by James Tolkan (Principal Strickland from Back To The Future) who embodies the “Terrible” Turpin role. Like Turpin, he doesn’t care for all this cosmic hoo-hah, he just wants to put the bad guys behind bars.

 -Both Darkseid and Skeletor dispatch underlings who displease them with energy bolts that dissolve them to nothingness (in Darkseid’s case, the Omega Effect; in Skeletor’s case, it’s energy from his fingertips that is in desperate need of a cool name).

 -Easy parallels can be found between said underlings; Granny Goodness=Evil-Lyn (played here by They Live’s Meg Foster with her trademark creepy eyes), Kalibak=Beast-Man, Kanto=Blade), any one of the Deep Six=Saurod, maybe?

 -Both feature a science fictiony Mcguffin that can open a doorway from one reality to the next—in New Gods, it’s a Mother Box. In MOTU, it’s called the Cosmic Key, and it is immediately mistaken for a fancy new keyboard that puts on an electronic lights show. Hey, it was the Eighties.

 So, there you have it. If you feel the need to investigate further, Masters of the Universe can be found on DVD for about four bucks, and at the risk of sounding snarky, it’s money well spent. Stick around for the end credits, you don’t want to miss the sequel tease! No, Samuel L. Jackson does not show up and ask He-Man to join the Avengers. That would be just plain confusing.

Adscape 1: Captain Tootsie vs Nature

Oh how I enjoy the advertising mascots of the past, with their one-page adventures and monomaniacal outlook on life ("Only Grape Nuts can effectively stop those robbers, Timmy!") and so: Adscape, a place to discuss ads of the past.

Today, the first of what will probably end up being five or six looks at former Tootsie Roll mascot Captain Tootsie, the man who knows that a brief sugar rush is just the thing for any emergency. Specifically, we'll be looking at the Captain's troubling relationship with the beasts of the forest.

Here we find Captain Tootsie in the woods with the group of young children that constituted his Secret Legion of minor crime-fighters. Suddenly, an old man dressed like an 1800s frontiersman bursts into their campsite and tells them that there's a killer bear on the loose. Shortly thereafter, there's a disturbance at the local girls' camp - turns  out that the bear has stolen some food. Captain Tootsie has a couple of Tootsie Rolls for quick energy and then:

Bear: gunned down. Candy: distributed. Mountain Man: impressed.

I'm all for respecting the opinions of the elderly and the marginally insane, but did this bear - this fleeing bear - just die because Coon Tail Charlie called it a killer? Because the bear only really gets up to two things in this ad, stealing food and growling, and I'm pretty sure that those are half of a bear's job description, along with swiping salmon out of streams and riding the occasional tiny motorcycle. I guess that it's somewhat possible that Charlie had a scrapbook full of mauling-related newspaper clippings with him, but as far as I can tell this is a case of the good Captain really wanting to hang a large animal from a tree.

Another day, another camping trip. Oops, a rattlesnake. What's a Captain to do?

That's right, it's the old rock-to-the-brain maneuver.I guess that I'm not condemning this as much as I do the wanton bear-slaughter above. Rattlesnakes plus children often ends in tears after all. Still, this is a bit of a troubling pattern that is emerging (especially taking into account Tootsie's ability to capture a similar snake using only a stick, seen in the latter part of the same ad).

What really cements my opinion that Cap Toots should just stick to the cities and leave the fauna alone is this next one:

Another day, another nature hike. Note that they have not seen a bear. They have found fresh tracks and Captain Tootsie doesn't have a gun. What to do? Rapidly retreat in the opposite direction?

Not a chance.

Yup, that's right. Captain Tootsie hates nature so much that when he found himself without a way to kill a bear, he went out of his way to make sure that it was deprived of its freedom. They spent hours on that pit, folks. They could have been two counties over if Cap hadn't insisted.

And he does it all while staying on-message.

Truly a complex and fascinating man, Captain Tootsie.

Here, by the way, are the original ads: 1 2 3

The Future's so Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades When I Read Previews

I know the ISB has dissecting Previews covered, but I did at least five spit-takes reading this month's catalogue, so I had to write about it. It's full of crazy crap, as well as lots of stuff that I'm super stoked about. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotion.

First off, the cover:

Nope, those are not stautes. They're not busts, or action figures. These are photos of heads pasted onto the bottom half of busts. I know the July 2010 release means there's many months of sculpting time ahead, and believe me, I'm excited to see a little cold-cast plaster version of Vampire Bill. But seriously. Maybe wait until you have something substantial before you put it on the front cover? Even if it is the back front cover.

Who photoshopped this? Me? My cat? Actually, if Scrapperton did this, good job. But to anyone else, for shame.

I like how this is written like a newspaper headline; "Local Lad Krueger Makes Good in Neighbourhood Nightmares." This whole little piece of copy just rules. God, I'm seriously jealous. Writing for Previews is the best job in the universe. Especially making up the titles for those t-shirts.

Good lord, Marvel. This is some Krusty the Clown level merchandising. Do you have a sick mother in the hospital who desperately needs you to pay for an operation? Or do you have, say, a serious smack habit?

Hurray! Vertigo is making a figure of my favourite chocolate bar-loving, antler-headed cutie pie! A lil' Sweet Tooth to put on my bed side table!

OH. NO.

Ziggy is read by more than 75 million people every day. No joke here. Just a fact.

 

A phrase never spoken by anyone at LBW:

 

RASL #7? In February? So we've had like, one issue this year, but now THREE will come out in the next three months?

Riiiiiight. Maybe scientists will also discover that cheeseburgers are the best food for weight loss. And I'll inherit a cheeseburger factory. Jeff Smith, I love you. That's why your lies hurt me so.

BUT, you know what's exciting? Raina Telgemeier's comic about braces. And the first issue of the new Demo series!!! So awesome. In my head, Brian Wood and Becky Cloonan are BFFs who live together in a big comic-themed house and get into wacky, comics-related high jinx together. Could be true. You don't know.

See? A lot of ups and downs here. Well, until next month, Previews. Maybe in January you'll have learned not to put Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose on the same page as a bunch of kids comics. But don't go changin' just to suit me, Previews.

John Buys Comics

What a good week. This is my happiest comics-buyying week in a long time. Everything was so... satisfying.

Chris Wisnia’s Doris Danger Giant Monster Adventures

This is precisely what I’m talking about.

Giant monster comics are some of Johnathan’s favourite comics of yore, and they’re kind of special in that they don’t crop up all that often any more - it's not like wanting to read comics with ninjas in them or something. And so I buy them just about any chance I get.

Happily, a lot of the time the giant monster comics I buy are like this: written by people just as font of the damn things as I am. Arguably moreso, in fact, since I've never produced a series of comics about them. I'm still kind of surprised that I managed to miss out on Doris Danger Seeks Where Giant Monsters Creep and Stomp, but I guess that that's the joy of the collection, isn't it?

This is a glorious comic, just chock full of Silver-ish Age absurdities, like Doris' increasingly unlikely camera-breaking incidents (after all, the comic would have to change if she ever brought home proof), the labyrinthine plot-upon-plot development and constant editorial callbacks to earlier issues, and of course the giant monsters. Meanwhile, no effort has been made to replicate things like the era's portrayal of other peoples (okay, there are some stereotypical-style native, but they were really robots), an aspect of Silver and Golden Age comics that you just have to overlook when you're reading the real deal but that is just plain make-you-want-to-leave-the-room when someone tries to replicate it and isn't, say, Alan Moore. And sometimes even then.

Plus! A stupid number of awesome monster pinups by Mikke Mignola, the Hernandez brothers, Mike Allred, Tony Millionaire... So many great monster pictures.

The Tick New Series No. 1

I have to admit that I was a bit worried. I have noticed, over the long, cold years, that relaunches of humourous-type comic series have an unfortunate tendency… not to be good. There was a wee little portion of my brain that was steeling itself to see a minimally-illustrated book that relied on reheated jokes from earlier series and had no discernable direction. I mean, I knew Benito Cereno was better than that, but you just start getting twitchy after you see it happen enough.

But my warning signals were misfiring - probably I just got too close to a stack of old issues of Countdown or something - this is a fun reintroduction to the Tick. I mean, it's a Christmas comic, yes, and thus doesn't really have the option of getting too deep and plot-ful, but that actually works very well, as Cereno uses the "let's see how evertone is spending the holidays" schtick as an opportunity to establish just who is going to be playing a part in the series - a very good idea, what with all of the cartoon and live-action characters that certainly aren't going  to be showing up.

Anyway: fun, suitably Tick-ish, features Man-Eating Cow. Hooray!

Green Lantern No. 48/Blackest Night No. 5 - I am officially declaring Larfleeze the Sensational Character Find of 2009. I haven’t had the urge to buy an action figure for a very long time, but now I want a little Agent Orange of my own, to help me with my coveting. Very fun. Plus, this week basically explicitly confirms that at least some Black Lanterns will be returning to life (that and the fact that currently heart-freee Damage appearing in the  ad and preview for the new JSA series. Way to keep up the suspense, guys).

Creepy No 2 - I am honestly surprised at just how successful this revival of Creepy has been. No attempt has been made to fix what wasn’t broken, and thus I can sit back and read something like “Muscle Car”. My uncle’s old copies of Creepy and Eerie did a fine job of scaring the hell out of me when I was a child and I’m just pleased as punch to know that I’ll be able to offer the same kind of opportunities to any children that I may or may not end up having.

Chew No. 6 - As much fun as the Tony Chu/Mason Savoy dynamic was, the Enigmatic Mentor archetype was never half as fun as the Cop Who Knows When to Bend the Rules, which works out nicely because Chu’s old partner John Colby is back and just as entertaining as he was before getting knifed in the face in issue 1. Plus, he’s a cyborg now, with a USB jack in his face and everything. Chew is now a psychic/cyborg cop buddy comic set in an alternate Earth where chicken is illegal and the FDA is the most powerful law-enforcement body in the US - I swear, the better this thing gets the harder it is to explain.

Beasts of Burden No. 3 - My joy at there being another issue of this is leavened somewhat by the fact that I just found out that there will only be one more. I guess I know what my Seasonal Holiday wish to Grampy Tanglebeard will be this year.

This issue: Orphan in love! Rats! Mystery! If there’s a better comic about talking animals battling the supernatural then I don’t know what it is.

Detective Comics No. 859 - I didn’t really notice last issue, as I was all gaga over the excellent job that J.H. Williams III was doing of differentiating past and present artistically, but Greg Rucka is putting together a really solid origin for Batwoman, one that transcends the old “bored socialite fights crime” version without discarding it. Even if this was her unspoken origin from the start (and I did miss the series in which she got stabbed through the heart, so this might be a rehash) this is some really solid storytelling. Good show!

Arkham Asylum No. 2 (of 3) - Poor Dr. Arkham. Does he ever get a break? Maybe someday there will be a one-shot or a Bizarro Tale in which he just has a nice day and nobody escapes from the Asylum and eats someone. At least this has Mr Freeze in his underwear, hitting a guy with a bag of ice. How can you argue with that?

Superman: Secret Origin No. 3 (of 6) - I reckon that this is the second-best portrayal of Clark Kent acting the oaf that I know of (the first of course being All-Star Superman). It’s good to see that Johns is keeping the businessman aspect of the Byrne Lex Luthor, if not the fat part. I also enjoy the implication that Metropolis was just a terrible town until Superman showed up, like the worst stereotype of New York.

The Last Resort No. 4 - So the zombie-style folks in this comic are infected with a modified form of the Toxoplasmosis parasite (a wee beastie that you pick up from cats and that supposedly alters your behavior, making you more aggressive)? That’s actually pretty clever, and slightly eerie as we were talking about that very parasite at supper (this is exactly the kind of dinner conversation that you get when you date a pathologist. I once learned how to do an autopsy over lunch at the Elephant and Castle). As I theorized, the horror movie tropes are starting to make themselves known and the retribution is a-coming.

Superman No. 694 - Mon-El’s back! Mitch has a secret and it's not that he's gay!! The Parasite is in, like three comics this week!

Justice League of America No. 39 - Well, I bought it for the ring. I think that it officially put Firestorm’s girlfriend on the “girlfriend in a refrigerator” list, though. So now I have.. evidence?
 

Sears Wish Book 2009: Disappointing!

I like to check in with the Sears Wish Book each year to see what new and insane toys are available. This year was a bit of a disappointment because Sears has switched their online format to an interactive catalogue that does not offer large, downloadable images. Also, as toys become more like tech gadgets and less like toys, there is less to make fun of. The toy section of the Wish Book is frankly pretty boring these days.

But I did manage to find a few gems. You'll just have to click on the links to see larger images on the actual Sears site.

Star Wars  Count Dooku Force FX Lightsaber Collectible

Now, I will admit that I don't know much about this newfangled Star Wars all the kids are talking about, but...is Count Dooku...popular? Because this is the only lightsaber being offered in this year's Wish Book. And it's $120. And it appears to be bent. 

 

My First Craftsman Light-Up Air Compressor Set

Ah, I remember the Christmas that my parents bought me my first Craftsman light-up air compressor set. Seems like only yesterday I was using it to inflate the cat.

Step 2 Lifestyle Dream Kitchen

I know I have complained about these fake kitchen sets for young girls before, but seriously. This one is 160 damn dollars and it features a "stainless steel" oven as well as granite-styled counter tops. This shit is just insane.

There's also this:

My First Kenmore Beeping Timer Oven, Open-and-Close Refrigerator and Play-Spray Sink

Man, where are you even going to put all that? The entire My First Kenmore line is pretty upsetting. Mostly because they are all very crappy toys.

Interactive Toy Duck Hunter Indoor Flying Duck Hunt Game

And now I am going to switch categories completely by highlighting this crazy thing. From what I can tell, this is similar to the old Nintendo Duck Hunter game, except in this version you are shooting a fake gun at a fake robot duck that is madly flapping around your living room. And you will be a full-grown man while doing this, wearing camouflage gear. I can't think of a single thing that would make this a bad idea.

Fisher-Price Power Wheels Cadillac Escalade EX

Well this is sweet because now your toddler can pretend to be Missy Elliot or Avon Barksdale.

 

Moxie Girlz Jammaz Sleepover Kit

This kit claims to have everything you'll need for the best sleepover in town, but it looks more like everything you need to attend a 1973 Elton John concert.

Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo

This doll not only will consume fluid and wet itself...it also poops! And that is just disgusting.