Rating The Super Hunks #19: Iron Fist (Daniel Rand)

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Time to revisit one of my favourite features here at LBW. It's been awhile since I've rated a superhunk, and it isn't because I've lost interest in hunky superheroes. Believe me. Let's take a look at the sexiest man this side of K'un L'un...

DANNY RAND, AKA THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST

"Well, one guy does."

"Well, one guy does."

Costume/Appearance:

The classic Iron Fist costume has all the makings of a typical douchebag club outfit. Most noticeably, we have a giant chest tattoo of a dragon, exposed by an open shirt, and a massive popped collar. Danny's costume also boldly includes trendy elements from female fashion such as capri-cut leggings, ballet flats, and a ribbon belt. Add to that a pretty crazy facemask with long ribbon tails flying off the end, paint the whole outfit lime green and canary yellow, and you have a look that's so insane it has to be respected.

Available at H&M.

Available at H&M.

And you know what's sexy? A big glowing fist.

Shhh, cow. Shhh.

Shhh, cow. Shhh.

Under the hood, Danny Rand is the super hero that most closely resembles my real life boyfriend. Slim, blonde, giant chest tattoo (I'm kidding). He's a good-looking guy.

Looks better without bandages.

Looks better without bandages.

Small build for a super-hero, particularly when standing next to his massive pal, Power Man. But he's, y'know, approachable-looking. Not really hunky or macho, or even dreamy, but he's cute. And his fist glows so he's always well-lit.

Lookin' good, Fist!

Lookin' good, Fist!

8/10

Personality:

See, normally I see a wealthy white guy who is really into Asian stuff and I think "what a douche" and walk away. But Danny makes it work.

It was an evil shirt.

It was an evil shirt.

Danny had a somewhat unconventional childhood. And by unconventional, I mean his wealthy father took him to a mythical city as a boy to study martial arts. During this family vacation, Danny witnessed the horrible deaths of both of his parents. He ended up sticking around and mastering martial arts, eventually obtaining the power of the Iron Fist by ramming his fist into the heart of a dragon. Despite these seemingly traumatic events, Danny is very well-balanced and laid back. I would attribute this to the fact that he: a) is incredibly wealthy, and b) can punch through pretty much anything with his big glowing fist.

I know what you're thinking: the heir to a family fortune who witnessed the deaths of his parents and then learned the hell out of martial arts before returning to America? Sounds a lot like Batman. Yeah, except you could actually hang out with Danny Rand for more than five minutes without wanting to kill yourself. You can party with Danny. He's a fun guy. Maybe it's because he's a Marvel, maybe it's because he was created in the seventies (aka - the party decade), but Iron Fist is an enjoyable character. And he has cool friends.

9/10

Day Job:

He inherited his dad's company and now he's crazy rich. Despite this, he charged for his superhero services as one of the Heroes for Hire. Is that weird?

He hates China.

He hates China.

Hey, y'know what was sexy? When Danny Rand was Daredevil for awhile. That was cool.

8/10

Sexiness of Super Powers:

Big. Glowing. Fist.

Can you sense the sheer, naked power?

Can you sense the sheer, naked power?

10/10

Cons:

From reading Power Man and Iron Fist comics, the New Avengers, and even from reading the current Iron Fist series I don't get a sense that Danny is the brightest bulb in the Marvel universe.

Doonsbury strip.

Doonsbury strip.

He's not a detective, really. And he'd kinda dull. And he maybe shouldn't stand next to his very tall and attractive friend Power Man all the time.

- 3

John Schneider as Iron Fist.

John Schneider as Iron Fist.

FINAL SCORE: 33/40

Not bad, Fist! That actually places you ahead of Daredevil, which seems highly unlikely. I guess when you don't leave a trail of dead girlfriends in your wake, it helps you score higher as a hunk.

And now I leave you with an unintentionally sexy panel:

So much innuendo in one panel.

So much innuendo in one panel.

Rating the Super Hunks #18: Iron Man

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This is for everyone (including me) who wanted to bump Booster Gold out of the bottom spot on the list of rated super hunks. I give you the man you love to hate, the decidedly unsexy

IRON MAN, aka TONY STARK

What a douche.

What a douche.

Costume/Appearance:

Tony Stark looks like the douchebag that he is, with his dochebag goatee.

Seriously, nice face, asshole.

Seriously, nice face, asshole.

His armor, however, is sweet. Very sweet. Costume on, he is one of my favourite looking super heroes. But he also looks like a robot.

Admittedly sexy for a robot.

Admittedly sexy for a robot.

Are robots sexy? No. Well, kinda...but in the way that a Lotus Elise is sexy.

Shit, I'd even buy her dinner.

Shit, I'd even buy her dinner.

Yeah. I'd hit that.

Anyway, the armor is real nice. And Tony designed and built it himself. So that's something. Plus...it hides his face.

The questions left unspoken!

The questions left unspoken!

Maybe I am being a little hard on him in the looks department. I mean, I guess he's got a dashing classic Hollywood kinda look about him. And he clearly works out.

I am confused by how hot he looks.

I am confused by how hot he looks.

For my money, though, he looked better in the old days with his pencil moustache. And when he was sexily pulling up his stockings.

Iron Man: Vowing to Take it Easy since 1965.

Iron Man: Vowing to Take it Easy since 1965.

5/10

Personality:

Well, let's see...he's a giant douche. And a recovering alcoholic. But he's also a super genius. And I guess he is sorta fun sometimes.

"And underneath Tony Stark, I am still a giant douche!"

"And underneath Tony Stark, I am still a giant douche!"

The thing is, Tony Stark has always been undeniably cool. That's basically his signature trait. It used to be all white tuxedos, martinis and cigarettes.

"You'll have to speak up, I'm holding a cigarette."

"You'll have to speak up, I'm holding a cigarette."

Nothing like enjoying a smoke after a long day of battling evil. And look at those slender, feminine fingers!

Anyway, he isn't cool anymore.

4/10

Ah, the old faceplant-in-the-crotch defense.

Ah, the old faceplant-in-the-crotch defense.

Day Job:

Billionaire inventor and owner and CEO of Stark Industries. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Full-time douche-bag.

If 'douchebag' ever needed an illustrated explanation...

If 'douchebag' ever needed an illustrated explanation...

6/10

Sexiness of Super Powers:

Well, he has a sweet-looking suit that he built himself which makes him practically invincible. It also lets him fly really fast, and he can shoot lasers out of his hands.

As always, I award points to heroes who don't have any natural super powers, but I don't know how sexy a guy is who gains powers when he puts on a big heavy robot suit. I mean, anyone could be Iron Man. I could be Iron Man. But I guess I couldn't invent and build an Iron Man suit, so I gotta give props.

Iron Man is into some kinky shit.

Iron Man is into some kinky shit.

6/10

Cons:

It would be faster to re-name this section "Pros," because listing all the cons could take awhile. Briefly stated, though: an alcoholic whose hobbies include forcing other super heroes to register with the government, and shooting former teammates into outer space.

Lookin' good!

Lookin' good!

- 10

I just think this is the most hilarious Iron Man I have ever seen.

I just think this is the most hilarious Iron Man I have ever seen.

Final Score: 11/40

That's what you get, Tony. Truth be told, I actually like Iron Man a lot. But I like him because he's such a tool. You just gotta love that guy.

Ew.

Ew.

Rating The Super Hunks #17: Connor Hawke

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Oliver Queen has been kidnapped, and now Black Canary has teamed up with the young, sexy Connor Hawke to find him. For my money, Dinah has traded up. Ollie scored a respectable 29 on the Hunk-o-metre. Let's see how his son does.

Connor Hawke, aka Green Arrow II

This is about as cool as you can look.

This is about as cool as you can look.

Costume/Appearance:

Connor's costume is nice Really nice. The forest green and the dark brown really looks nice together. His costume also kinda of makes him look like a Ninja Turtle.

Unlike his father's sleeveless, overly-macho Arrow get-up, Connor covers himself up, but comes off looking like the hunkier arrow.

They are watching a parade.

They are watching a parade.

Little details like long tails on his domino mask reflect his half-Asian heritage.

Shredder doesn't stand a chance!

Shredder doesn't stand a chance!

One big gold cuff on his bow-holding arm, and big gold bands around his legs really make the outfit look cool, without being too flashy. The brown hood looks great.

As far as appearance goes, Connor changes depending on who's drawing him. He's supposed to have at least partially-Asian, partially African features from his mother, and blonde hair from his father. When drawn and coloured correctly, he has a dark complexion which offsets the blonde hair. It's hot.

Straight as an arrow!

Straight as an arrow!

But even when he looks like an Aryan poster child, he's looking pretty good. And I appreciate his clean-cut, clean-shaven look.

Suddenly white!

Suddenly white!

The guy is foxy. And a good dresser. You can't fault him in this category at all.

10/10

Personality:

One thing Connor is not is a jerk. This is the nicest guy in the world. Too nice, really. He's...gentle.

"Have you ever played Settlers of Catan, Roy?"

"Have you ever played Settlers of Catan, Roy?"

He likes books and meditation and vegan food. He doesn't drink or party or have any vices.

All the beer in the world is not going to make Connor interested in those strippers.

All the beer in the world is not going to make Connor interested in those strippers.

He won't get drunk with you, but he will make you a big pancake breakfast the morning after.

They're probably vegan pancakes, though.

They're probably vegan pancakes, though.

TO BE CONTINUED!

TO BE CONTINUED!

Since Mia brought it up, let's talk about that. Connor has little-to-no experience with women. He was raised in a remote monastery, devoid of any women whatsoever. More than that, he seems to have very little interest in women. It has people asking questions.

It's not a very interesting story, Ollie

It's not a very interesting story, Ollie

So of course the gentle, tidy, super hot athletic guy who doesn't seem to be interested in girls has people thinking that maybe he just might be gay.

"Is it because Judd Winick is writing this comic? Is that it?"

"Is it because Judd Winick is writing this comic? Is that it?"

No, Connor. It's because you're too good to be true. Even Roy thinks so:

Jesus. Take it down a notch, Roy.

Jesus. Take it down a notch, Roy.

Hmmm...maybe it isn't Connor's sexuality we should be focusing on.

So Connor has a lot going for him, personality-wise. But the inability to cut loose and have a good time would get on my nerves.

Connor is not sure he should drink tea with caffeine in it.

Connor is not sure he should drink tea with caffeine in it.

8/10

Day-Job:

Connor is a Buddhist monk. Not really sexy, except for the naughtiness factor. Which is high.

8/10

Come to me, Connor!

Come to me, Connor!

Sexiness of Powers:

As with all members of the Arrow family, Connor has no super powers. But he does kick ass with a bow.

If this was the last thing I ever saw, I wouldn't complain.

If this was the last thing I ever saw, I wouldn't complain.

He doesn't need trick arrows, he just rocks the old-school bow and arrows. He's also a great fighter. I'll always give high marks to someone who kicks ass without powers.

Unpronounceable sound effects!

Unpronounceable sound effects!

9/10

Cons:

Religion + Veganism = someone I probably won't be able to talk to for very long.

He's watching "What Women Want."

He's watching "What Women Want."

- 2

Final Score: 34/40

Eat it, Ollie! Eat it hard! Your son is hotter than you! I don't care if they never find your kidnapped ass!

"A white t-shirt and...Roy, is that you?"

"A white t-shirt and...Roy, is that you?"

Call me, Connor!

Rating the Super Hunks #16: Ryan Choi

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I hope that everyone is cool with what I have decided will be a bi-weekly schedule for Rating The Super Hunks. I just don't have the time to keep it up on a weekly basis anymore. And I know you guys don't want me to resort to fill-in writers.

So let's pull out our microscopes and look way down at the man I am calling Super Hunk Rookie of the Year...

The Atom, aka Ryan Choi

Costume/Apperance: I think Ryan's science nerd friends did a nice job designing his costume. It takes the best elements of the classic Ray Palmer costume and brings it up-to-date. I particularly like the red that runs down the outside of the pants, and the blue on the inside. I love the stylized A on the front and the red boots and blue gloves, and, of course, the big giant belt.

I'm never a fan of the hair-concealing mask, but that big ol' atom symbol looks cool. And the costume, like the Flash suit, is as tight as a costume can possibly get, and shows off Ryan's gymnast physique.

Outside of the costume, and at full-height, Dr Choi is a real looker. He's got that young, hot professor thing going for him.

I would say that Ryan has gotten considerable more attractive since John Byrne stopped drawing him (cough, cough).

Ryan isn't, like, crazy hot. But he's tangibly hot, and that counts for something. He's a cute nerd with a perfect body and a handsome face. What else could you ask for?


Rating: 8/10

Personality: Of all the heroes in all of comic books, Ryan Choi is the one that I feel I would be most comfortable hanging out with. Even though I know nothing about science, I do know a thing or two about being nerdy.

Ryan just blends heroism and nerdiness and humour really nicely. He's like Peter Parker, but not completely annoying.

He's a physics professor who idolized Ray Palmer as a kid. Now he's basically in way over his head as he took over both Palmer's job at the university in Ivy Town, and Palmer's superhero identity. Most people would have a hard time suddenly being thrown into the craziness that is the DC world of superheroing, but Ryan has handled it very well. No matter how unusual the situation.

Above everything else, Ryan Choi is just a really nice guy. With most of these super hunks, there is at least one incredibly shitty thing that the hunk in question has done that I need to factor in. Now, I realize that Ryan is new on the scene and he therefore has plenty of opportunity to self-destruct, but I would be very surprised if he ever does anything awful to anyone. He's just a sweetheart. Maybe a bit of a push-over, but a sweetheart nonetheless.

I mean, who else would capture an alien floating head who showed up at his house to destroy him, and then let him live with him as his new roommate? Only the nicest guy in the world.

He definitely needs to stand up for himself more, but I think he's learning.

9/10

Day Job: Physics professor. I can't say that this is the sexiest profession in the world, but it isn't the least sexy either. At least he's smart. And successful. That counts for something.

It seems to get the ladies, anyway.

7/10

Sexiness of Super Powers: Well...he can shrink really small. That's...sexy? I dunno, it isn't, like, super strength, or flight, or enhanced senses or anything. It's actually kinda gross.

But I do like the way he surfs on the Bangstick. And I like the word 'Bangstick.'

And the gymnastics and fighting ability certainly counts here. He's pretty awesome in battle.

I would even go so far as to factor in that he has the most consistently hilarious banter in comics right now.


6/10

Cons: I'm having a tough time here. Maybe because Ryan is so new he hasn't really shown many flaws. I mean, he's not the most assertive superhero on the block, and he gives off vibes of total inexperience with the ladies, but overall there isn't too much to hold against this guy.

I dunno...I can't really think of any reason to deduct marks.

- 0

Final Score: 30/40

Nice work, Ryan! You're already in the big leagues of super hunkery. I think we can thank Gail Simone. The lady knows how to write a dreamboat.