Archie Sunday: Canada, Here We Come!!

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The (new) Archies are going on vacation to the happiest place on Earth...Canada!

Before we get started, I just want to say that I hate the New Archies. I hate Archie's mullet. I hate Betty's vertical ponytail. I hate Veronica's bob, shades and giant bow. I hate that Moose is 500 lbs. I hate that my beloved Dilton has been replaced by a young black man named Eugene (I'm all for diversity, but writing out Dilton is just plain wrong). And I hate that they are all younger than usual.

But I do love how excited these kids are to go to Canada:

I think maybe they have Canada confused with California.

Aw, that's nice.

Canada here we come. Right back where we started from. Canadaaaaa...here we coooooooome!!

I like that, in the background of the bus, is...Canada? Or something? Where is Riverdale exactly? I always pictured East Coast, but here we have Rocky Mountains in the background.

OK, this is where it gets really good:

Ok, where the hell is Mr Lodge's cabin?! There is no way that all of these sights are on the way. It's just not possible. His cabin would have to be suspended in an alternate dimension.

Basically, to see all of these sights, the gang would have to drive coast to coast, which is about 6100 km, or 3,700 miles. And that's a modest estimate. What I am saying is, Mr Andrews is a very patient man.

Actually, I need to make this point too: I live in Atlantic Canada. I have never seen a puffin. You have to go out to sea to see them. I can only assume that Mr Andrews did this so Reggie could get a picture.

"It's always interesting to see how other people live." What the hell is that supposed to mean, Jughead? In cities? With jobs and cars? What is so fascinating about Calgary? (By the way, Toronto to Calgary? 3,500 km, or almost 2,200 miles).

Do you think that maybe they had all that stuff about Toronto and Calgary first so that they wouldn't give readers the impression that this cabin in the woods is a typical Canadian habitat?

Well, at least we know that it took them about a week to get there, since Mr Lodge is meeting them tomorrow. But still...that's some very speedy driving.

Look at how cute those beavers are! Chomp chomp!


What to do if you spot a bear:

  1. Don't panic
  2. Don't yell
  3. Don't run

Archie fails.
Yet another Canadian vacation ruined by beavers.

I always love it when the Archies travel to Canada for any reason because it's full of inaccuracies and geographical impossibilities. But that doesn't mean I don't love an Atlantic Canada shout-out.

Archie Sunday: Weatherbeating

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I can't think of a panel that more clearly demonstrates my theory that Riverdale is a terrifying town full of the worst people on Earth:

This man is a SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. And what is he going to do exactly when he finds Archie? Beat him with that 2x4? For real?

Of course he is. Because it's Riverdale, and Archie knows that if he doesn't hide in a tree all night, Mr Weatherbee will find him and beat him within an inch of his life.

It's also notable that those kids don't find anything odd about a furious man with a weapon stalking the streets at night looking for a frightened teenager. Par for course in ol' Riverdale.

Archie Sunday: Rockin' With Dilton

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My biggest regret about not having time last week to review comics is that I didn't get to review the supremely awesome "Denim" story in Tales From...Riverdale Digest #25. Please do check it out.

I love a Dilton-centric story. As I keep saying, he's the only person in Riverdale who isn't a complete horror of a human being.

Here's an awesome Dilton story, in which he becomes a rock star.

Ok, so I'm pretty confused about The Archies as a band. Sometimes they seem, like, huge. But the members rarely talk about the band, and they seldom seem to be practicing or anything. This is a rare moment.

But anyway. Here we have them struggling to write songs. Enter Dilton:

Man, what a sweetie.

Ok, when Betty says they haven't written a hit song "in ages," what is she saying? I mean, most bands haven't written a hit song...ever. Do they mean a song that was actually a "hit" and sold lots of records around the world? Or do they just mean it's been awhile since they wrote a song that didn't suck? And is the "hit" that they are referring to "Sugar, Sugar"? I am really confused about this band.

And now to prove my point about the kids of Riverdale being horrible, horrible people:

Guys, he's offering to help you out here. And has he ever been wrong about anything ever?

Well, it's their loss. Dilton storms out of there, leaving them to laugh until they all get bored and go to Pop's to eat a bunch of food and not pay for it.

Yeah! You show 'em, Dilton! I also like that this comic makes a point about the formulaic structure of popular music.

Also, I like that Dilton decides immediately that he needs a keyboardist. That's what I like to see.

Oh the stereotypes. A fat drummer, a black bass player, and an ex-con keyboardist.

Man, Dilton is awesome. Look at that rad recording studio he built!

I don't know about you, but I'd really like to hear those songs. I'll bet they sound like Heaven.

You guys might want to toss around a couple of other band names before you commit. No? Dilton and the Destroyers it is, then. I mean, it actually is pretty great, considering Dilton's appearance and demeanor.

Now we get to see that awesome comic/tv fictional idea of how bands become famous:

Usually you play shows and then get a recording contract. Actually, you usually play many, many shows and then you put out your own CD with your own money. Then you sell that for $5 and burn them yourself when you run out. And then usually you break up.

And once again we get to see the awful, awful Archies sitting around, being useless and mean. He gave you guys tickets. Stop being shitheads. And it's not like he's playing some dinky all-ages club either. Check it out:

"You're in violation"?! Dilton, you are amazing. I love that he didn't change his look at all for the stage show. In fact, the whole band is wearing exactly what they wore to their first rehearsal.

And now the sweet, sweet pay-off: Archie and friends glumly realizing that they probably should have let Dilton write some songs for them.

Dilton! DO NOT write songs for those assholes! I also can't believe the nerve of Jughead, asking Dilton to pay their bill on top of everything else. And Pop is like "Please pay it, Dilton. They are foreclosing on my house!"

So there you have it. Dilton can do anything.