Twelve Days of Christmas Special Review Series, Part Four, By Johnathan

Only three days behind! I was going to write this last night, but I was distracted by enchiladas and wine. Who could resist that, I ask you?

Back to that super-hero party from Adventure Comics No. 289 (I can't stop plugging Super Future Friends! Go there!) - remember, the whole reason that Supergirl hauled her cousin 1010 years into the future was to get him some future bootie (booty?), and where better to look for a quick hook-up than the super equivalent of a drunken office Christmas party. Hell, there are probably four or five different sets of super-butt prints on the hyperspatial image duplication assembly already. All Supergirl really has to do is point Clarkie in someone's direction and let fly.

So who does she choose?

Saturn Girl! Saturn Woman! Whoever!

Superman has been holding out for a woman with a lot of plaques! Turns out that he only values qualities that have been commemorated by brass plate screwed to wood, which is why to this day he's convinced that Green Arrow is indeed the World's Greatest Sex Machine.

The most important question raised by this panel, though, is just who the hell gave her that plaque? Her mom? Her stalker? Is there a shadowy group of future trophy-makers dedicated to making the folks of the 30th Century feel okay about themselves? Should I expect a tasteful brass-and-mahogany number commemorating my exceptional capacity for beer and nachos?

"Holy poo! You look basically the same as you used to, only somewhat taller! I honestly figured that ten years would have rendered you into a total pooch! Look, I made you a joke dog-collar flight belt and everything!"

I'm pretty glad that 'darts + mistletoe' isn't a cliched holiday recipe for making people kiss. I can basically guarantee that I'd have had a few accidental trepannations by now, knowing my friends. Also, I don't trust their judgement on who I should kiss.

What is the etiquette on this kind of thing? Can you keep kissing someone as long as there's mistletoe around? Do they have any say in the matter or do they have to run and/or start spritzing some Agent Orange ceilingward? I haven't ever actually seen the stuff - anyone from a mistletoe-using part of the world care to weigh in?

It's been said before (though I seem not to be able to find an example): Supergirl watching Superman kiss people is creepy. And happens a lot.

"Holiday Spirit", eh? That smacks of euphemism. Is Superman drunk, do you reckon? Is there a reason that he hasn't seen these people in ten years?

"Hey, where's Superboy? We could really use his help with these Rigellian Spore-Monkeys."

"Uh, we had to leave him back at the Clubhouse. He's a bit too full of the old 'holiday spirit'. I think that we might need to have an intervention."

See? He's fleeing the party rather than admit his problem. Adventure Comics No. 290 is entirely concerned with his subsequent shame-based bender. Actually, much of Superman's Silver-Age behavior makes a lot of sense if you assume that he's smashed out of his gourd half the time ("Whee! Time to dig another tunnel! And then maybe get Batman to help me prank Lois!").

Finally: harsh, Supergirl. What did Phantom Woman ever do to you?

I have a new theory about how being shot through space at a young age promotes social awkwardness.

NOT APPROVED!

"nine Police sciencing,"

At Long Last, the Highly Anticipated Review of the Human Flame, By Johnathan

Haw haw haw! Time to put all the naysayers to shame! I will review the Human Flame, and not on my deathbed, unless of course it turns out that this chair reclines more and also I end up dying in it.

Dateline: Detective Comics No. 274, December 1959. On the cover, some crazy old dude shoots lightning at Batman - I haven't read the story yet, but I'll bet that he's got some sort of ingenious robbery-related hoax under his belt... yep, turns out. At the back, nestled behind Roy Raymond and Casey the Cop, we find a Martian Manhunter yarn entitled:

Now, this is not a fascinating tale. Nor is it exceptionally ridiculous, Silver Age or not, so no exhaustively broken-down plot for you. Instead, here are the highlights:

1. The Villain:

The Human Flame does not get off to a grand start, frankly. Purple is not a terrific colour for a flame-themed dude, and white is not a fantastic choice for a secondary colour. The goggles are good, but I only forgave Firestorm his puffy sleeves because his head was on fire, so those are out too.

2: The Plot:

Still, after seeing so many super-humans running around with astonishingly complicated facial hair, there's something (retroactively) refreshing about a simple moustache. While Ra's al-Ghul spends his mornings trimming individual chin-hairs and Green Arrow takes an extra half hour before bed to get his beard-curlers just right, ol' Mike there is getting the full night's sleep that he needs in order to plan really effective crime sprees. Though I suppose that if he had no facial hair at all he might have slept just a bit more and been clearheaded enough to consider pulling crimes in a town that wasn't infested with costumed crime-fighters.

The blonde guy is interesting, by the way. I can't decide if he counts at the Flame's partner, as his lone henchman or as a good friend that he brings along to keep him company on crime sprees.

3: Crime!

Let it not be said that the human Flame is a one-trick pony, no sir. In addition to having flame-thrower nipples on his suit, he has special energy-projecting nipples as well (urgh... I just had a disturbing thought: what if the purple on his costume is an attempt to simulate nipple colour? Fond as I am of the things, I find myself staunchly opposed to their use as a costume theme).

Where is all of the power and fuel for these nipples coming from, anyway? Mike's handing out some serious punishment with these things, and sure doesn't look like a wee lad. I suppose that he might have forgotten to eat a few meals whilst focusing on crime-suit construction - maybe he lost enough weight to stuff a propane tank and a 12-volt battery under each armpit? Or maybe he managed to create some ammo-less weaponry that he should have sold to the military for big bux instead of robbing armoured cars?

4: A Mighty Wind:

"Gosh, Martian Manhunter! Thanks for saving our armored car from those crooks! It sure would have been a shame if they'd managed to steal all of these Faberge eggs and Ming vases! Someday, you'll have to tell us how you ever saved out incredibly fragile cargo from that multi-nippled madman! Welp, we're off to the museum - thanks again!"

Not that being able to blow an armoured car around isn't great. I'm just sayin'.

Here's where the Human Flame gets his big shot:

5: Is this the End?

6. Seriously, is it?

Well! Not only has Mike triumphed, but he's completely vaporized J'onn J'onzz! And similar sarcastic remarks. In all fairness, The Manhunter hasn't been operating openly for long, so Mike might not know about the fact that he can turn invisible. Of course, he could just be an idiot.

7. Landscaping:

Turns out, he's an idiot. But, as this panel illustrates so clearly, he's an idiot that can shoot fire from his many nipples, which at least puts him a special category of idiot along with 60 or 70 percent of his fellow Silver Age villains.

8: Flying Free:

a) That's really cohesive sod.
b) Seems like Mike and friend would have trouble breathing up there.
c) That's a horrible way to get around. The neck cramps alone...

9: Clean Up After Yourself:

You know, I just have to assume that the Manhunter is putting that sod back because (holy crap, look at the huge chin on that policeman!) this comic came out in the early days of the Comics Code. Which is good, because society would have crumbled by now if our super-hero role models hadn't shown proper concern for lawn maintenance.

Now, Mike ends up doing some time for this one, leading me to believe that he had a terrible lawyer (heck, maybe it was the blonde guy). Eight years for foring a weapon that there likely isn't any legislation on (this is the electric nipple I'm talking about) and then getting into a very brief scrap with someone who is demonstrably non-human and therefore not technically covered by the law? Sheesh, for any decent shyster this should have been a piece of cake. Perhaps the DCU wised up early and there are tough super-villain laws on the books as of Mike's trial? Don't know.

One last thought: you know how in a movie or tv show when there's a guy wielding a camcorder or whatever he's frequently characterized as a total dick, like the act of filming constantly, especially in a moment of tragedy, is a sign of a bad human being? Well, upon reading Final Crisis No. 1 I realized this: it's a hundred times worse if you're doing it with a cell phone.

Great Stars! The Human Flame is NOT APPROVED

Scalphunter hates two things: the white man, and high comic book prices.

There is something really hilarious and wrong about this subscription ad:

Man, Scalphunter is hanging from a noose! And they're making cute puns!

I mean...why stop there...

This Week's Haul: Brand New Day

Blah. I had an 8.5 hour operations management class today. My brain is fried. Time for comics!

The Amazing Spider-Man #546

I LOVED THIS!

One More Day was terrible beyond words. It was actually a giant insult to comic readers everywhere, as far as I'm concerned. But this issue of the all-new Spider-Man was excellent. Peter Parker is a lovable loser, it's funny, he has a secret identity, he's friends with Harry Osborne, he's single, he's broke...it's great.

Scenes like this one, where Peter is looking for a job, are so enjoyable:

Oh, Spider-Man. It's so nice to laugh out loud while reading your comics, and know that the writer wants me to.

So while One More Day was just awful, at least it led to this. Even if it took the laziest route possible.

Now if I could just think about this comic without getting that damn Sting song in my head.

Green Lantern Corps #20

I loved this because it TOTALLY sounded like Guy and Kyle decided to get married.

They have, in fact, decided to move to Oa together. And Guy is going to open a bar there! I think this is a fun development.

I love how Hal and John are all "Wow, that's a big decision. Are you guys sure? When did you decide this?" Totally sounds like they're getting married.

Hee!

Green Arrow/Black Canary #4

This issue was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, obviously it looked fantastic. Chiang's art is so good that it can even make scenes as goofy as this one look amazing:

The hero who is panicking and yelling at everyone because a loved one is on the brink of death story line is nothing new, but there was something extra touching about Ollie losing it on everyone over Connor. Especially when Hal got there.

Awwwww.

And then Black Lightning makes a fairly sensible observation:

I would think that, being a member of Meltzer's Justice League, he wouldn't even notice that anymore.

Wally's comment here confused me:

Arthur is in the water? Really? Where? What's his status? I thought he was dead. Or whatever.

So Connor isn't dead. But he is brain dead. You can still be hot when you're brain dead right?

Nightwing #140

Saaaay...this was good! Rags Morales serves up some great-looking art, and Tomasi gives us a story that's kinda like Nightwing: Brand New Day.

Nightwing is making some changes. He's making an HQ for himself in New York, for one:

Look at how nice that art is!

I loved this meeting between Batman and the two boys about family always coming first:

Oh, Batman.

The Nightwing title has a long, proud tradition of being very boring, but I really liked this issue. I look forward to more!

Marvel Adventures Hulk #7

This was totally awesome as always. I know there was that other big Hulk comic out this week, but I would advise everyone to buy this one instead. I mean, if you like Hulk. Like, regular Hulk being Hulk. But maybe you guys aren't interested in fun adventure stories full of the greatest Marvel characters. Maybe you want Hulk to be red.

I mean, check this out: Bruce Banner wants to step in and help out the Silver Surfer, so he asks Rick to punch him. Rick refuses. Hilarity ensues:

Jeph Loeb can't write funny like that, people!

Superman #672

All I want to say about this is that I hate insects. They are gross.

Ew.

The Spirit #12

Ohhhhhhhh...why did this have to be so good? The last Spirit comic by Darwyn Cooke and J. Bone and it was so damn perfect that now I'm all upset.

Why does this have to end but Marvel Zombies continues?! It's not fair!

I want a Cooke-designed Spirit action figure. Anyone else?

Scalped #13

This is the first issue of a new arc and it was AWESOME. I think this might be the best storyline yet. Although, really it is all one long storyline. I hope everyone is reading this series by now. You can buy the first trade with a money back guarantee! Do it! (I'll bet they get exactly zero books back from unsatisfied customers).

Teen Titans Lost Annual

Oh man. Bob Haney + Jay Stephens + Team Allred + JFK = the best.

I am pretty vocal about my love for the late, great Bob Haney. Nobody can write insanity like that man could. Sadly, he never got to see this comic before he died. Happily, the rest of us have finally gotten that opportunity.

JFK is kidnapped by aliens who believe his leadership skills will help them win a war on their planet. He is replaced by a shape-shifting alien. Robin notices. The Titans go to the distant planet to help win the war so the president can return to Earth. While all this is going on, the president is assassinated...on Earth...as in, it's actually the shape shifter who is famously killed, not the real JFK. The real Kennedy decides that the shock of revealing that he is actually still alive would be too much for Earth to handle (??!!...so his wife and son can just deal with the loss, I guess). He decides to return to the far away planet, where he continues to live happily.

Bob Haney is the greatest writer of all time. And this panel alone proves it:

Yeah, that's definitive Haney right there.

The art looks really great. The cover is beautiful. There's a lovely Nick Cardy sketchbook in the back.

Showcase Presents Robin The Boy Wonder

Trust me. You want this. If you don't own it you are missing out on heartwarming classic tales like this one:

Ha Ha! Good luck, boys!

***

Good news, everyone! I have found the perfect wedding cake!

And they make cupcakes too! Which are more fashionable these days.

This Week's Haul: Sinestro Gets Pwned

No real excuse for being late this week. I was so overwhelmed by having nothing to do that I forgot that I actually had something to do: review comics.

Countdown Arena #2

There's really no reason to pay any attention to this comic, but there's a little thing that's bothering me about this issue that I just have to say something about.

Ok, so the double page spread that shows all the arena fighters and what Earths they are from? Full of mistakes.

Check it:

Ok, this Wonder Woman is from Earth-21, which is the New Frontier Earth. Fine. But below that panel we see that crazy monster thing made of beetles. He is also supposedly from Earth-21.

So my first thought was "that ain't right." Later in the comic we see him again, only now he is suddenly from Earth-26:

Ok...so that first one was a typo. Alright. It happens. I look up Earth-26 in that little guide they published in DC Nation a couple of weeks ago, and it lists Earth-26 as, wait for it...Captain Carrot's Earth.

I dunno...that just seems wrong to me...

And there was also this Firestorm guy, who is from Earth-37:

Earth-37, according to that guide, is the Thrillkiller Earth. That makes no sense. (Also...do we need a Thrillkiller Earth?!). Please correct me if I'm wrong about this. Maybe that guy was in Thrillkiller? I just don't see how.

Green Arrow/Black Canary #3

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Connor, you were too beautiful for this world.

Congratulations, Judd Winick. You've ruined Christmas.

Green Lantern #25

Not only was this worth the $4.99 cover price, each page is worth $4.99:

I swear, like every other page looks like that. It's amazing.

I love the rise of the seven lantern corps. That's going to be neat:

Oooo!! I hope the red corps and the green corps fight at Christmas time! It would be so pretty!

I loved Guy trying to fight while being infected with a viral member of the Sinestro Corps:

It was also great when he was injected with the GL Corps virus and the two viruses battled it out inside him. Craziness!

And Hal, Kyle and Sinestro all losing the power in their rings so they just start street fighting? Awesome!

I love that "The both of you." Hardcore.

Green Lantern Corps #19

The members of the Corps who survived the war finally get a little downtime to spend with their families and loved ones. It's nice.

And this page is awesome:

I love those two!

But the issue wasn't all hugs and kisses. It had a rad ending!

I love that "Yes. I believe I have." This is gonna be great!

Tales of the Green Lantern Corps: Ion

All that I really want to say about this issue is that it was pretty good. These things have been kinda hit-or-miss, but this one is definitely worth checking out.

Also, I liked Guy's sexy lady that feeds him marshmallows:

Especially her I Dream of Jeannie pose.

Booster Gold #5

Man, this was so good and so sad.

I figured that, y'know, Booster wouldn't actually stop the Joker from shooting Barbara. But the way he insisted on going back over and over again! Ohmygod. I am just so filled with love for Booster Gold right now.

And if that wasn't sad enough, Rip breaks the news that Ted's death is a fixed moment in time that cannot be undone.

Awwwwwwww. I can't stand it!

Wonder Woman #15

I can't believe how much happened in this one issue! And it was all awesome!

I have been having a hard time selling people on this relaunch (Can we call it a relaunch? I think it's a relaunch). Everyone is all "I was buying this series for awhile, but I didn't like it." And I'm like "But it's awesome now!" And they're all "Yeah...I dunno..."

But it is awesome now. Don't let the fact that it's been mostly kinda bad up to this point prevent you from checking it out now. I guarantee you'll love it.

Personally, I was really into the god that WW found to help her in this issue:

What religion worships him? I'm joining!

Superman Confidential #10

One thing I really like is when comics are both really good, and really smart strategic moves. The New Gods are playing a starring role in the current DCU, so it's not a bad idea to have a comic that introduces new readers to the Fourth World. And the fact that it's also a great read with nice art is just icing.

I love Superman just having no idea who any of these characters are:

I also like Superman's ripped costume.

Superman is totally awesome in this comic. He doesn't know who these New Gods are, but he wants them out of downtown Metropolis:

Word.

The Batman Strikes #40

This comic is consistently very funny and entertaining. This month's was written by Matthew K Manning and drawn by Adam Archer. I like this series because it frequently combines a wisecracking Robin with a humourless Batman:

Once you get past the fact that all of the villains in this series, like the cartoon its based on, look very messed up, it's a consistently fun read.

Nexus: The Origin

I've read this comic several times, and it never stops being awesome. This is a re-painted reprint of a 1992 comic which stands the test of time as one of the best single issues of any comic ever written, in my opinion. If you've never read Nexus, then obviously this is a great place to start.

*Sigh* I sentence YOU, Nexus...for stealing my heart.

All done! I'm gonna go watch TV until our power goes out from this storm. Any comments about these, or any other comic releases this week (Howard Porter doing the art on Countdown? Blech) are appreciated below.

PS - I would also highly recommend this week's Marvel Adventures The Hulk. It was great fun. Rick Jones calls Namor's army "Aqua Teen Excessive Force." Also...Spider-Man Family was excellent and featured some beautiful art by David Hahn. I'd kinda like him to draw all Marvel comics. Or at least all Spider-Man.

Johnathan Presents: Another Review of Showcase Presents, By Johnathan

A while back I did a mass-review of all of the Showcase Presents books that I had purchased. Well, I just keep on buying those things - due to my overpowering weakness for the Silver Age - and so it's time for more of that.

Showcase Presents: Adam Strange

All of the old stories about Adam Strange getting zapped to Rann via Zeta Beam so that he can kick alien ass and score with alien ladies (well, lady). I'm pretty fond of the little pre-adventure that Adam always gets into whilst getting his ass to the site of the incoming beam. Also fun: the sheer amount of trouble that the Rannians get themselves into ("Adam Strange! In the month that you were away we were conquered by robots! Again!"). Finally, a true statement: Adam Strange has the best helmet in comics.

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: The Atom

Good fun. Ray Palmer gets into all sorts of scraps as a tiny man. Like Green Lantern, this comic made an attempt to pass itself off as hard science fiction, with plenty of super-scientific explanations for stuff like shrinking physicists, but readily flew off on crazy tangential plotlines to keep things interesting. The three basic plots of a Silver Age Atom story: 1) Ray Palmer shrinks in order to help his main squeeze Jean "will be evil someday" Loring solve a case so that she can become a successful lawyer and prove herself and then quit the law and marry Ray. 2) Ray Palmer encounters something weird whilst going about his daily business; shrinks. 3) Ray Palmer shrinks and travels into the past via his scientist pal's Time Hole. While in the past he fights injustice with a passion that makes lovers of causality cringe. Take that, historical figures! Take that, history!

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Batman, Volume 2

Rachelle gave me this one for my birthday, whilst simultaneously foiling my plot to borrow Volume 1 from her by lending it to every other person in Halifax (this is a lie. It was just lent to Tiina [the Tea Devil]). I don't know if the first volume was a great as this, but I hope so. Featured were both the first appearance of the original Blockbuster, with his hatred for Batman yet love for Bruce Wayne, and the crazy-great saga of the Outsider. The Outsider, for those of you who have avoided 30 or 40 years of spoilers, was actually Batman's butler Alfred, who everyone thought was dead but who was only mostly dead and who was turned into a lumpy psychic monster by a well-meaning scientist. Ever since I read about this fantastic mishmash in Jeff Rovin's Encyclopedia of Supervillains I wanted very much to read it, what with Robin getting turned into a coffin and all, so thanks again, Rachelle!

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: The Flash

Good solid Silver Age tomfoolery. Nothing other that the extremely unlikely origin of Kid Flash really sticks out in my memory, but rest assured that it's full of crazy crimes and stupid plots and all of the rest of the good stuff. I grew up with Wally West as the Flash, but i gotta say that Barry Allen was a helluva character.

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Green Arrow

A lot of the comics that are collected in this one are actually from the late 50s, so they have a really neat feel to them, like the Batman comics of the same era. You can almost see the Comics Code symbol hovering over every character's shoulder, watching; judging. Anyway, Green Arrow and Speedy fight the crime and drive around in a great car (it launches them with catapults!) and meet at least two clowns who use wacky clown arrows to make folks laugh and then to fight crime in a crazy clown fashion. Plus, remember the Batmen of All Nations? Green Arrow has some too! Dudes from all over the world show up for a convention in his honour and bring their lava arrows and so forth - it's a hoot!

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Martian Manhunter

Haven't finished this one yet, but I'll tell you what my favourite thing about it is: that J'onn J'onzz isn't really a super-hero in his first batch of adventures, he's just a detective who happens to be an alien and have all kinds of crazy powers. I really wish that someone nowadays would write some comics focusing on that aspect of the Manhunter's personality. It seems like all of the J'onzz character development lately has had the effect of making him really alienated (ha!) from humanity, while in those early stories he had a whole lot of charm. I don't know. I just want a comic about a hard-boiled private eye who can turn invisible and is scared of fire and sometimes has a hound dog to hang out with. Oh! Also, his brother T'omm J'onzz shows up at one point!

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Shazam!

This one's a lot of fun. They got C.C. Beck, the original artist for the character, to draw the DC comics revival, so everything looks fantastic. The stories are a bit child-oriented and entirely insane - my favourite character was Sunny Sparkle, the Nicest Kid in the World, who has it really tough because everyone loves him so much at first sight that they give him ridiculous and extravagant presents (and apparently name ponies after him). He just keeps donating the stuff to charity and declaring that he'll become a hermit when he grows up. I think that Sunny Sparkle Come Down Off the Mountain, with a tangled beard and a crazed look in his eyes and hordes of glassy-eyed, gift-bearing acolytes, is number 3 on my list of "characters that I wish would make an appearance in DC continuity", right after Carbon Monoxide Gangster and Parade Hater Horace. As for Shazam!, it's pretty great but it peters out at the end as the series hits hard times, but not before Dr Sivana goes on a crazy crime-spree road trip and Billy Batson and Uncle Dudley have to hop in their camper van and chase him all over the country. Whee!

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: World's Finest

I just got this one today, so I haven't read much of it, but what I have taken in is fantastic. Silver Age Batman and his pal Superman were each at least as concerned with keeping their secret identities safe as they were with, say, fighting crime, so when they got together all bets were off. Rachelle did a pretty great post about one of the messed-up adventures that resulted from this here. It's all Batman dressing up like Superman and then pretending to be Clark Kent while Superman's dressed up like Batman and also being Clark Kent and all to mess with Lois Lane's head... it's almost Shakespearian at times. Plus Superman and Batman are one of the most fun BFF pairs in comics, even without considering the subtextual homoeroticism - that's the icing on the cake!

JOHN APPROVED

I totally asked for many more of these things for Christmas, so there's certainly going to be more of these reviews, yay.