Living Between Wednesdays Holiday Gift Guide Part 3: Gifts for Jerks
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Part 3: For the Jerk in your Life
Jerks. Everybody knows one or two. Maybe they’re your best friend or brother or something, but they’re definitely the one pointing and laughing as you do a header into a snowbank one frigid February morn. This time of year, one might be tempted to leave the local jerk off of the ol’ shopping list, but this tactic will only increase your likelihood of becoming the target of some future mischief. Rather than taking that risk, go ahead and pick up some of the following for them. It’s good sense on a couple of levels, firstly because it might make them feel well-disposed toward you when next they feel like staging a fake eviction or mock execution for laffs, and secondly as it will give you a decent idea of what they’re armed with. Forewarned, after all, is forearmed.
Color Smoke Clouds
Think of these as early jerk warning devices. Do you know someone who might be a stealth jerk, or possibly a child who shows signs of nascent jerkdom? Watch closely after presenting this person with the Color Smoke Cloud and take note of what happens:
Possible jerk action taken Prognosis
Cloud released indoors Either a jerk or a bit dumb. Continue observation
Cloud released outdoors, Probably not a jerk.
in a well-ventilated field.
Cloud carefully saved until Definite jerk. Watch out.
next wedding or funeral.
Hot Candy or Gum
Hot candy can also work as a jerk-detector (do they give it to Gramma? Do they feed it to the dog?) but also works as an effective jerk &diffuser&, as it channels their energies into maintaining an air of nonchalance, the better to lull you into enough of a sense of security that you’ll accept their tainted treats. As long as your jerk has hot candy to disseminate they’ll be on their best behavior, so give ‘em plenty and make sure to put on a good enough show that they’ll want to do it to someone else.
Onion Gum
The same principle would apply to onion gum, but as you can see it transforms you into a grotesque baby-man.
Itching Powder
Joy Buzzer
The idea behind the joy buzzer is so grand, yet the execution is so lacking - for those of you who have never encountered such a thing in the wild, a joy buzzer both culturally and advertisimally promises some sort of jolt of electrified comeuppance that you can deploy toward your enemies via your palm. In execution, the joy buzzer is a simple wind-up motor that unleashes a torrent of stored-up vibratory energy once pressure is applied to it. It's suitable to the task of making someone go "What the heck?" for a few seconds, sure, but just not quite the trick as far as dealing out righteous retribution and so forth goes.
Take care to only giv this sort of thing to a jerk who's got a bit of a reflective side. And no access to a taser.
Whoopee Cushion
Last up: the Whoopee cushion, a classic weapon in the arsenal of the jerky prankster. If you know a jerk who doesn't have one or more of these babies then send away right now, because they are missing out and so are you. Every jerk should have the chance to make a Society matron appear to have farted loudly at some sort of cotillion or orphan-style fund-raiser, and likewise every jerkfriend should be allowed to rest easy knowing that sometimes the worst that is going to happen to them is a bout of counterfeit flatulence.
As well, everyone should know about the above being the best Whoopee Cushion ad illustration ever. For serious.
Word up, jerks.
Well, all right. Jeff Parker and Steve Lieber tell the tale of a town and a cave. Crap, wait. I meant to make it sound better than I just did. Let me start over.
