Part 2: For the Creep in your Life

Everyone knows some creeps, and sometimes you end up having to get them presents, like when they’re related to you or for some reason friends with your spouse. Or you’re trying to butter up your boss, maybe. Well, rather than giving them a bar of soap and an instruction manual this year, embrace the creep’s creepiness and get them something that they can really use to skeeze people out.

Hypnotism Lessons

What’s creepier than wanting to learn hypnosis? Not much, unless maybe you’re a brain-doctor of some sort, and even then… Lucky for the creep in your life there are multiple hypno-gift options, so that you can tailor your hypnosis lessons to their particular brand of creepiness. Above, we find the perfect option for the “uncomfortable physical presence” – style creep. Let them put their penetrating stare and love of disquieting lighting effects to good use!

What about the “creepy around women” type of creep? Is there a style of hypnosis geared toward them? Why yes! As it turns out, virtually ALL styles of hypnosis advertised in comic books have strong overtones of creepy control over women!

Yes, the creep in your life that maybe stands a little too close to any ladies that he (or she!) might have to talk to but never looks them in the eye can finally…

You know, maybe just skip this one and get them something else.

Or perhaps you could get them a course that focuses on hypnotizing dudes.

Auto Scare Bomb

The Auto Scare Bomb was going to go into Part 3 - Gifts for the Jerk in Your Life, but I think that a fake bomb is way more of a creep style of prank to pull. Give 'em out like candy!

How to Love

If you don’t quite feel comfortable getting your creep a copy of Rules of the Game, try How to Love, the late Depression equivalent. They might not act any less scummy but they’ll sure dress snappy while they do it!

Electronic Lie & Love Detector

Can’t you hear them now: not just hitting on ladies using convoluted lines but doing so WITH SCIENCE.

“Hey baby, would you mind holding these terminal knobs? Now, would you mind holding my terminal knob? No, don’t speak… the Love Detector will show us the way.”

Secret Wonder Mirror

Give this to your cherished creep. Then never use their bathroom again.

Raquel Welch Pillow

Is it a licensed product? Nobody knows! What it certainly is is a picture of Raquel Welch in a one-piece, printed on a two foot-long pillow. It’s a gateway inflatable novelty if ever there was one.

You know the ones that you’ll be giving this to. Try not to think about it too hard.

Super Secret Pocket Spy Scope

Live in a beach-style area, or really any place that might occasionally feature ladies in two-piece bathing costumes? Know a guy who maybe knows his way around the woods behind the housing development a bit too well and has a keen interest in seeing farther than might be easily possible with the naked eye? Voila, the Secret Spy Scope! Keep creeps on the property line and out of easily-damaged flower beds and ornamental trees.

X-ray Specs

Finally, for those of you who want to get your creep a gift without enabling his or her creepiness in any tangible way, go for the adolescent-saddening fakeout that is X-Ray Specs. With luck, they’ll never learn that the hand bones and… other things that they’re seeing are composed of equal parts optical illusion and wishful thinking.

Think of it as an early warning system for folks – when they see the words “X-RAY VISION” coming toward them, they’ll know exactly what they’re in for.

And that's that - a complete guide to buying a gift for the super-creep in your life. Remember not to make eye contact when you give it to 'em!

In contrast with the astonishing and glorious POCKET SPY SCOPE (see Part One), may I present:

The X-RAY SPECS, a heinous and cynical exploitation of the same nerdish lusts served so faithfully by the altruists behind the POCKET SPY SCOPE.
Though an invaluable kitsch resource and generally cool-looking eyewear, the X-RAY SPECS are their core an example of the tendency of humanity to exploit the weakness of its fellows for the dubious pleasure of reaping stacks and stacks of cold, hard cash. The specs operate by optical illusion, and allow one to see 'bones' when peering through them at a hand or an arm. But look at the ad! It says that you can see through clothes! There's a buxom lass in the background! The clear implication is that one can employ these spectacles to play the voyeur on the sly - and how many of our nerdish forebears had their hopes dashed as a result? How many horn-rimmed, bryl-creme'd, zit-encrusted youths gambled their dollar on the specs, figuring that they would ogle their secret crush (and make no mistake - all of their crushes were secret) in public with none the wiser, only to find to their disappointment (six to eight weeks later) that these traitorous lenses simply didn't work as implicitly advertised? How many of those same intrepid, gawky lads had no money left after this soul-crushing betrayal, and were unable to purchase the POCKET SPY SCOPE? How many boys crouched in the undergrowth, pockets protected, squinting forlornly at the lighted window in the distance, where was visible only the occasional and oh-so-tiny glimpse of rosy girl-flesh, rather than the orgiastic/voyeuristic inadvertent strip-show that was their due? How many virgins wept in the rhododendrons?