Archie Sunday: Wherein Archie Fails To Hold It Together.

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I think we can all agree by this point that the currently-running Archie Gets Married storyline has been a bit of a let-down. Certainly not from a sales point of view--unlike Marvel and DC, Archie Comics wisely printed up a gajillion copies of each issue, and they continue to sell no matter how many we times re-order it--but, let's face it, the whole thing has been a bit of a rip-off. Firstly, he doesn't actually marry Veronica (a possibility that seemed to get more people riled up than the whole health care debate south of the border), but is treated to an imaginary future scenario where he does for three issues. Furthermore, he is next treated to another possible outcome where he marries Betty instead. Once again, an imaginary one, for three more issues. Not that I ever expected the kind folks at Archie Comics to ever play it anything but safe, but it's enough to make one wistful for the days when possible futures always featured killer robots and postnuclear wastelands.

All of this is academic to me--I don't actually read Archie, and I never really have. However, flipping through Archie #604, I was inspired to do my very first Archie Sunday post when I saw how Archie reacted to Betty's big news (delivered a modest sum of time after their nuptials--this is Archie, after all): 

Wow, I can see why Betty and Veronica fought over this guy for so many decades. Was Jerry Lewis unavailable? I can't tell if he's supposed to be spitting out his shake, spilling it all over himself, or having an epileptic fit. Possibly all three at once? It did get me thinking, though. What else might Betty have said that would actually warrant a reaction of this sort--one that would make even an Ace Ventura-era Jim Carrey go, "Wow, tone it down a bit, buddy"? Let's see:

That's more like it. Save your big reactions for something meaningful, Archie. Don't give that stuff away for free.

 

Archie Sunday: A Terrifying Vision of Things to Come

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Last week, Rachelle finished telling us the tale of what happens in the hypothetical future in which Archie marries Veronica and knocks her up good. At the end of that story, as many had guessed might happen, Archie takes a stroll toward a second possibly tomorrow, in which Betty is the one he ties the knot with (and there'll probably be some procreation there, too). But how will Veronica react to an Andrews/Cooper wedding? Don't worry, there's no need to spend the next couple of months fretfully biting your nails: Archie Comics No. 85 revealed all to the world way back in 1957:

First, the set-up. Archie and Betty are auditioning to be the most adorable DJs ever. Just as cute as can be, I swear. They do a great job, but the radio executives (on right, peering thoughtfully) need to confer for a few minutes before saying yes. Archie goes out on the street to wait, while Betty stays inside.

Archie encounters Veronica. Hilarity of that particular Riverdalian variety ensues:

And then Betty brings news, in her own super-clear way:

 "Yes, engaged, meaning hired in this context!" Hee hee, no. No, Misunderstanding is the order of the day for America's Typical Teens.

 Now here's the important part: what does Veronica do when she feels spurned and betrayed?

 Yes, she goes out and does something ill-advised out of pure spite.

 Nowadays, I guess that she's get some facial tattoos and experiment with polyamory with Dilton and Big Ethel, but the principle's the same: once Archie rejects Veronica, she's liable to do just about anything.

I was going to stop there but Jughead's reactions are so great:

 Good night everybody!

Archie Sunday: It's Twins!

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Sheesh, Archie Comics, spoiler alert! By putting "It's twins!" on the cover, you are effectively removing any suspense this comic may have provided otherwise.

This is the third installment in the What If Archie Marries Veronica? storyline that has captured the hearts of dreamers everywhere.  It's been moving at a breakneck pace, with Archie proposing in the first issue, marrying her in the second issue, and becoming a father in the third. Where else can it go from here? We'll get to the (unsurprising) conclusion in a minute.

But first, let's break down a bit of this issue, which, much like the other two issues of this series, were riddled with unfunny jokes, confusing and overly-complicated scenarios, and fairly lousy art. And these, frankly, are not what I expect to find in an Archie comic.

We can start with the young couple telling Archie's parents that they are going to be grandparents soon. Mrs Andrews is thrilled, while Dad seems happy, but is also concerned about whether or not Archie is ready to responsibly raise a child (or two! Spoiler!). Archie says the right thing to his dad to reassure him:

Ok, maybe Archie's dad missed this piece of information somewhere, but Archie married Veronica Lodge, whose father is richer than God. I don't really think a college fund is necessary. Couldn't Archie just dump a million dollars in an account somewhere right now? Does he really need to save on a long-term plan?

Anyway, before the Andrews family can further discuss unnecessary plans, the ol' Riverdale gang busts through the door with some ridiculous promises:

Where the hell is Dilton? He could actually teach the kid something useful. "I'll train him to be sneaky"? Oh, Reggie. This is all you have to show for your life. I do like Jughead's shirt, though. And Moose's zigzag-front jacket.

Archie and Veronica head over to Daddy Lodge's house, where he sorta proves my point about the college fund thing.

Now here's the thing: with both parents the topic of university for the kid comes up, but there is nothing tying these two conversations together. I don't even think the writer realized what he did.

Off to prenatal classes!

Archie and Veronica get a psychotic nurse teaching the class:

To be fair to Archie, those were barely jokes at all.

Veronica comes down with a cold later on, so Jughead fills in for her at a future birthing class. I don't think it's necessary for him to wear the pillow. Or to do any of this:

When the big day finally does come, Archie is so flustered he leaves for the hospital without Veronica!

Veronica is so cool about it. I hope I'm that calm when my own baby drops. Too bad Archie counters Ron's coolness by uttering a very creepy sentence in the following panel.

WHAT. IS. PLAN. B, ARCHIE?!

They get to the hospital ok, and the family plus Jughead, who still looks kinda pregnant, gather in the waiting room. They spend a few panels trying to guess the gender of the baby, but of course the readers already know it's TWINS!

Finally they get to find out that the baby is TWO BABIES! And they are 2-years old!

Now, Veronica is very wealthy, so I assume she would have a pretty decent medical team working on this pregnancy. So I really can't believe that she didn't know she was having twins.

This issue ends with a bunch of melodramatic crap, including TWO FULL PANELS of Archie reading Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken in its entirety to his kids at bedtime. And then on Christmas night he goes for a walk and ends up at the forked road where he found himself  at the beginning of this series. He walks the ROAD NOT TAKEN and guess what:

I think we all saw this coming. I am looking forward to Veronica being a real bitch about this development. And then maybe it will be followed by ARCHIE MARRIES JUGHEAD!

Archie Sunday: Going For the Lowest Common Denominator

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The main story of Archie's Pal, Jughead No. 189 is ostensibly a simple tale of technology gone awry, as Archie and friends pay a visit to Dilton Doily to pick up a bit of technology:

But wait:

Yep, the device ends up inside of Jughead, with Reggie holding the remote, thus ensuring that hilarity will ensue. A fine story in the classic Archie mode, I admit, but I prefer to think that it is a pale, rewritten shadow of its former majesty, that it was once a cautionary tale showcasing the horrible repercussions that Jughead's years of poor eating have wrought on his gastrointestinal tract.

And so, gentle readers, I give you a series of out-of-context fart gags:

Of course, this being Riverdale, everything works out all right in the end, with Jughead's flatulence saving a crowd from a falling scaffold. Power to the pigger-outers! don't let the nutrition-savvy Man get you down!

Happy Sunday, everyone.