Archie Sunday: A Heartwarming Tale of Corporal Punishment

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The issue: Archie No. 109. The set-up: Archie has a gig as a DJ in daily school assemblies, but power has gone to his head and he's started accepting bribes from students to play their original compositions and thus catapult them to, uh, regional fame.

The payoff: Mr Weatherbee brings in Mr Andrews to settle things once and for all.

 

The story could have ended there, of course, but fortunately for you and me it didn't. See, the recording equipment was on during that little bit of negative reenforcement, and...

Phil the off-brand Archie Andrews and his red-shirted pal get in on the action. (A side note: looking at Phil and his pal, I can't help but picture them as the Rosenberg and Goldstein to Archie and Jughead's Harold and Kumar. For every wacky scheme that Arch and Jugs get up to, Phil and Red are just off-panel making a flying machine out of seagulls. Every time Archie has to dash frantically between simultaneous dates with Betty and Veronica at two different restaurants, he high-fives Phil as he passes him running in the opposite direction, having told Shannon that he had to go to the washroom so that he could go assuage Michelle's suspicions. Delightful!)

And so, at the All-New, Corruption-Free Archie Andrews Lunchtime Music Spectacular the next day:

And that's how Archie became the wealthy young gadabout we all know and love.

Archie Sunday: Veronica gives Archie a sex tape

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In honour of Valentine's Day, I thought we'd get a little sexy with Archie Sunday.

When I worked at Strange Adventures, sometimes I would get a parent in the store who would express concern that their child enjoyed Archie comics. They would ask if I could suggest something less adult. It really confused me, but now I think I see what they are talking about.

So our story starts off innocently enough. Archie is suffering from insomnia, so Veronica buys him a tape that is supposed to help him sleep.

Archie appreciates the gesture, and oddly refers to his dream girl as a "good kid." Now let's hear that tape!

This tape is a first class ticket to Bonertown!

Archie is pretty excited about his sex dreams.

Eager to escape the harsh, unsexy reality of Riverdale, Archie falls asleep at Pop's.

Veronica is having none of this. Archie signed a contract assuring that all erotic dreams would feature only Veronica. This is a clear infringement.

So Veronica returns to the store, tape in hand, and demands that the salesman play it for her. It happens to start at a particularly alarming, and non sleep related, passage.

So after standing there for awhile while the salesman gets hot and bothered, Veronica purchases a different sleep tape and slips it into Archie's tape player. This reveals Archie's fear of sheep and sheep wranglers.

I'll bet his dreams that night were all messed up.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Archie Sunday: A Sporting Wager

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Time for a bet: imagine a skate-off between Archie and Mr Weatherbee. Imagine that I'm not obviously setting you up - who would you bet on to win?

Just to make sure that you're making an informed decision, let's get some analysis from longtime Weatherbee coworker Miss Grundy:

And what about Archie and the gang - what do they think about the prospect of a skating competition with their beloved principal?

So, have you placed your bet? You've taken into account the fact that I'm totally not setting you up? Good.

I AM AFRAID THAT YOU LOSE.

Further, you shouldn't have taken that side bet that the whole thing wouldn't be totally awesome.

Awesome and slightly terrifying.

I just hope that you've learned your lesson about gambling.