Archie Sunday: Veronica gives Archie a sex tape

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In honour of Valentine's Day, I thought we'd get a little sexy with Archie Sunday.

When I worked at Strange Adventures, sometimes I would get a parent in the store who would express concern that their child enjoyed Archie comics. They would ask if I could suggest something less adult. It really confused me, but now I think I see what they are talking about.

So our story starts off innocently enough. Archie is suffering from insomnia, so Veronica buys him a tape that is supposed to help him sleep.

Archie appreciates the gesture, and oddly refers to his dream girl as a "good kid." Now let's hear that tape!

This tape is a first class ticket to Bonertown!

Archie is pretty excited about his sex dreams.

Eager to escape the harsh, unsexy reality of Riverdale, Archie falls asleep at Pop's.

Veronica is having none of this. Archie signed a contract assuring that all erotic dreams would feature only Veronica. This is a clear infringement.

So Veronica returns to the store, tape in hand, and demands that the salesman play it for her. It happens to start at a particularly alarming, and non sleep related, passage.

So after standing there for awhile while the salesman gets hot and bothered, Veronica purchases a different sleep tape and slips it into Archie's tape player. This reveals Archie's fear of sheep and sheep wranglers.

I'll bet his dreams that night were all messed up.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Archie Sunday: A Sporting Wager

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Time for a bet: imagine a skate-off between Archie and Mr Weatherbee. Imagine that I'm not obviously setting you up - who would you bet on to win?

Just to make sure that you're making an informed decision, let's get some analysis from longtime Weatherbee coworker Miss Grundy:

And what about Archie and the gang - what do they think about the prospect of a skating competition with their beloved principal?

So, have you placed your bet? You've taken into account the fact that I'm totally not setting you up? Good.

I AM AFRAID THAT YOU LOSE.

Further, you shouldn't have taken that side bet that the whole thing wouldn't be totally awesome.

Awesome and slightly terrifying.

I just hope that you've learned your lesson about gambling.

 

Archie Sunday: Archie's Choice

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In case you haven't heard, Archie is going to be popping the question to Veronica this week in Archie #600.

To celebrate the momentous occassion, I have decided to take a look at all the Riverdale women that Archie has chosen Veronica over.

Betty Cooper

Obviously Betty is everyone's first choice for Archie. She's sweet, she's talented, and she's pretty. She does, however, have an unfortunate obsession with Archie that makes her seem deranged. Especially since she is clearly too good for him. She tries too hard, and that is why she loses. It's an unfortunate situation where she tries to win Archie by being the better person than Veronica, but Archie isn't interested because Betty is too easy a catch. Archie is a douche.

Cheryl Blossom

Cheryl makes Veronica Lodge look like Ma Kent. Cheryl is the Queen Bitch of Riverdale, and she also comes off as a stone slut. I am sure that Archie will be cheating on Veronica with Cheryl during their marriage many times.

Midge Klump

Midge is the ultimate "look but don't touch" girl in Riverdale. In fact, don't even look. Because Moose will pound your face in if he catches you. So I don't blame Archie for passing on Midge. I like Midge but I never understood why she would allow her boyfriend to beat the hell out of every boy she talked to. And poor Reggie. He was a pawn in Midge and Moose's sick game that involved Midge leading Reggie into seductive traps just so Moose could beat him to near death. In fact, I would run the hell away from Midge if I were Archie. I'll bet she's into some weird stuff.

Ethel Muggs

Aw poor Ethel. Awkward in both appearance and personality, Ethel isn't getting second glances from any boys. I like Ethel, but that girl needs to find some self respect, even more than Betty does. But it would help if everyone wasn't so damn mean to her.

Nancy Woods

Nancy seems nice, and is certainly attractive, but her defining characteristic seems to be that she is very hard on her boyfriend, Chuck. And I think is one of the better men in Riverdale. I was also always glad that the only two black students at Riverdale High found each other. How convenient. I always thought Chuck and Nancy would be the first to get married. Because Nancy would demand it.

Brigitte Reilly

Brigitte is a lesser-known "fat girl" who started appearing around Riverdale in the 90s. Frankly, I think she is one of the greatest catches in Archie comics. She's pretty, fashionable, very nice, and she is on her way to being a famous singer. PLUS she dated Dilton Doiley! Basically Brigitte represents me in the Archie world. I am sure the writers paired her up with Dilton because they figure the only guy who is gonna date a fatty is a total loser nerd, but the joke is on them because those two are destined to be a very rich and successful power couple.

ComicVine.com has this to say about Brigitte: "She is a bit overweight but is popular because of her great singing voice." I love how that is worded. It's like "despite being disgusting to look at, she has won friends because she is nice to listen to." And Wikipedia notes that she "has been made as attractive as possible." Y'know, for a hippo.

Sabrina Spellman

Now obviously there are countless reasons why it's a good idea to hook up with Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Or at least one really good one: She is magic. She can do or make anything! I mean, that's the kind of power that's good to associate yourself with. She is also very cute and perfectly nice, by Riverdale standards (she has only intentionally injured a few people). Weird in-laws, though.

Josie and the Pussycats: Josie McCoy, Melody Valentine, Valerie Brown

Josie and Valerie are awesome and Melody is stupid. I think both Josie and Valerie are great all-around ladies and either would be a much better girlfriend or wife than Veronica Lodge. But the Pussycats can't be tied down like that, yo. Plus, Josie's got Alan M, and that dude is a total dreamboat.

 

So I guess that Archie's choice to marry Veronica is ok. They really do deserve each other, and I am hopeful that Betty will find a much better guy. She just needs to move the hell out of Riverdale.