Sorry this is late, guys. I was having trouble with the Squarespace login page yesterday and I was also too busy to deal with it.
This week we introduced Rating the Super Hunks as a podcast segment. I think it worked ok. I'll let you decide. I think I should probably write out a blog post for each one, just for posterity. Please send us your requests for future hunk ratings!
See you next week! Read Secret Empire #1!!! It's so good!!!!
In honour of Cat Week, I am going to examine a guy who has been around the DCU for a long time, but has only recently converted to hunkdom. Not unlike Kiefer Sutherland, Catman only became sexy when he was given a starring role in a series. For this we can thank Gail Simone, who saw the potential for hunkiness where no one else did. So let's all take a good, long, dreamy look at
HE WISHES SHE WAS DEADSHOT.
Well, y'know. His costume is basically Batman's. And it doesn't help that he broke onto the scene back in the sixties as a villain who was ripping off both Catwoman and Batman.
I WONDER IF THOMAS EVER LOOKS BACK ON THIS AND IS DEEPLY ASHAMED.
But the claw marks on the front, matching the real scar underneath, add a bold, seductive touch. And the brown and gold colour palate he has gone with as of late is working for him. And he fills the suit out nicely.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT. MY COSTUME IS NOTHING LIKE THIS ONE."
Sans costume, Thomas Blake is a blonde (or possibly red-headed depending on the artist), ripped, square-jawed and frequently shirtless dreamboat. He has a macho permanent stubble and loose locks thing going on, not unlike Sawyer from Lost but possibly with more shampoo.
MAN. CATMAN.
I am going to give Catman full marks for looks, but he will lose points on the unoriginal costume choice.
Who doesn't love a sexy anti-hero? We all love Superman and everything, but there's something extra delicious about a villain with morals. He's the unofficial leader of the Secret Six, commanding respect with his relative sanity, his awesome fighting skills, and his perfectly sculpted chest.
"DON'T MAKE ME REMOVE MORE OF MY COSTUME! BECAUSE I WILL!"
DEADSHOT WILL PROBABLY SHOW HER HIS IF SHE ASKED.
Let's not forget that this guy hit rock bottom not long before joining up with the Six. He was fat, disgraced, and suicidal when he decided that, rather than offing himself, he would move to Africa, get ripped and come back with a vengeance. And you have to respect that.
MACHO!
Not as terrifying as his sexy pal Deadshot, but by no means a sappy good guy, Catman has a perfect balance of good and...well, I don't want to say 'evil', but certainly 'self-interest.'
She smells like catnip.
According to Wikipedia, Catman is "an Olympic-level athlete and skilled hand-to-hand combatant. He is also one of the world's finest hunters and trackers." So basically, if you are choosing a partner for The Amazing Race, this is your guy.
"LET HER GO OR I SWEAR I WILL TAKE MY SHIRT OFF AND MAKE OUT WITH YOU SO HARD."
The only job Catman has is working with the Secret Six to kill people who are even worse than they are for large amounts of money. Since I didn't fault Jonah Hex for being a bounty hunter, I can't really take points away from Catman on this one. Or can I? Hex is an entrepreneur, and he works alone. That makes his work slightly sexier.
But I do love the "will-they-or-won't-they" romance he shares with Deadshot.
"I SEE YOU ARE WEARING YOUR TIGHTEST SWEAT PANTS. AS AM I."
You could argue that Catman is a much lesser Batman, and why eat hamburger when you can eat Bruce Wayne? He's a B-lister for sure, but he clawed his way up (pun!) from D-list, so that's something. We can't really ignore the fact that, for many decades, this guy was a total joke. And, y'know, he kills a lot of people.
COOKING WITH CATMAN!
HE HAS REALLY NICE EYES, TOO.
He's the first villain, if we can consider him that, to be rated among the Super Hunks, so I'll go easy on him. For a villain, he has surprisingly few flaws.
THIS WOULD ALSO MAKE A GOOD COSTUME.
I'm afraid so, Catman. But that is a perfectly respectable score! In fact, that ties you with Iron Fist, so not bad at all! Especially considering the dramatic and sexy comeback from being a fat loser.
I had planned on rating Thor as a superhunk this week, but my thoughts kept turning to his old sparring partner. And thus I will now call forward the champion of Olympus,
Thirsty?
His outfit consists of a skirt, a sash, a headband, gold bracelets, a belt, and thigh-high gladiator sandals with studs down the front. Beyonce would look at those shoes and say "those are too much."
I LIKE THE SASH BECAUSE IT IS CONSTRICTIVE AND UNNECESSARY.
There are a few superheroes who choose to work barechested. That's nothing new. But paring the shirtlessness with a scandalously short wrap skirt is a very bold statement for a man to make. Particularly one his age (thousands of years old).
BONDAGE DOESN'T GET MORE MACHO THAN THIS.
From the waist down he looks like a trampy lady, but from the waist up he's all man. And that makes the bottom half manly too.
I approve whole-heartedly of the full beard. If only all men who choose goatees would instead go for this look.
NOTE: THIS IS NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE OF HIS BEARD. IT'S TOO STYLED HERE.
Hey, and you know what else? I was into that look he rocked during the Prince of Power mini-series. Sort of a beefier Barry Gibb:
I'M A WOMAN'S MAN, NO TIME TO TALK.
Generally, Hercules is a burly, bulging pile of man. We like that here at the Super Hunk Institute.
He has a big ego. Huge. But, y'know, after thousands of years of being awesome, maybe he's earned that ego.
HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS WANG.
I actually love Hercules' personality. He loves being Hercules. He loves to fight, he loves to compete, he loves to show off, but he's also got a kind heart. He's a hero, and not just because he can beat the hell out of pretty much anyone without breaking a sweat. He takes care of people, he's a loyal friend, and he's a capable leader. He's chatty, he's funny, and he likes to have a good time. He just generally loves life. You would think that someone who has been around as long as he has would be growing weary, but Hercules is still punching and smiling his way through life.
UPSKIRT!
He's the world's oldest celebrity. I think it's less ego and more giving the fans what they want.
HE'S GOT BITCHES IN THE LIVING ROOM GETTIN' IT ON AND THEY AIN'T LEAVIN' TILL SIX IN THE MORNIN'.
Hercules is super strong, fast, agile, and basically immortal and invincible. All that good stuff. Certainly can't fault him in this department.
PLOORGGG!
And, again, not only are his powers great, the fact that he loves using them so much is great.
HERCULES, PUT THOSE WOMEN DOWN. YOU'RE SCARING THEM.
Also, he talks cool.
WE ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO SEEING HIS JUNK HERE.
Nope. Not for the ol' son of Zeus. Talk about being born with a silver spoon in your mouth! But that doesn't mean he doesn't have hobbies:
SHOW ME THE FOLK SINGER WITH THAT BODY.
Although he doesn't have a proper job, Hercules does spend all of his time hanging out with an orphaned boy genius. I think that earns him some points.
Besides the ego, I would say that he has some definite commitment issues. He loves the ladies, but never for very long.
"YEAH, YOU AND EVERYONE, BITCH."
JEALOUS?
You could argue that he isn't particularly bright, particularly for someone who has been around this long. He also turns to violence as a solution pretty quickly.
I HEAR THAT.
HERCULES DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT NOTHING BUT THE ECSTASY OF BATTLE.
I dunno. I really can't fault this guy too much.
Dude! That is dangerously close to Winter Soldier's score! Well done, Hercules! You're twice the man Thor will ever be. Jane Foster knows what I'm talking about:
HE ALSO HAS A PERSONALITY. LOCK IT DOWN, JANE.
Have at ME, Hercules!
Am I the only one who sings "Wolverine" to the tune of Chuck Berry's Maybelline every time I read his name? Just me? Ok.
Wolverine is starring in his very own movie that opens this week! It looks a lot like the other three movies he was in! Let's see how the stocky little Canadian X-Man stacks up on the hunkometer as we rate:
He's the best he is at what he does, but what he wears isn't pretty (see what I did there?).
For me the classic brown suit is the way to go. The yellow and blue with the black claw pattern has surpassed it as the most well-known Wolverine look, but it just isn't as nice.
BEEFY!
I know that the blue and yellow came first, and then was brought back, but come on. That brown suit looks great (or, at least, as great as it can look).
PART-TIME LANDSCAPER.
The basic elements of the costume are pretty much always the same: tight, sleeveless, belt, weird pointy mask, and gloves. The sleeveless aspect is nice because Wolvie has got some beefy arms. The mask is damn ridiculous though. In the 90s it tended to look extra ridiculous and extra pointy. I do like that his shirt comes off pretty much all the time. I would say that Wolverine spends more time being shirtless or naked than most superheroes (except, of course, Namor...Hercules...Silver Surfer...alright, a bunch). But Wolverine is the shortest one!
I HAD A DREAM ABOUT THIS ONCE.
And on that note, his physical appearance can be summed up in one word: stocky. Actually two: stocky and hairy. Dude is a carpet. And the hair on his head is CRAZY. His personal style is casual, manly and consists mainly of leather jackets, tank tops, jeans and cowboy hats. Plus the ever-present cigar or cigarrette.
WOLVERINE'S PUFFS HAVE THREE 'F'S.
So in the end, I say he loses points for the mask, earns some for the sleeveless costume, earns some for the constant shirtlessness, loses some for the crazy hair, and gains a bunch for his macho style.
TWICE THE MAN YOU'LL EVER BE.
I think 'gruff' is a pretty good word to use here. He can also easily be described as "the anti-Cyclops," which is maybe why I don't love Wolverine. I have always been a bit of a fan of Cyclops, wiener that he is. Wolverine joins the X-Men and is all assuming that he can steal Cyclops' girlfriend no problem because he's Wolverine and Cyclops is a little wiener who shoots lasers out of his eyes. In a way, that sort of bold self-confidence is sexy, and yes we would all love to see Jean going to town on Wolverine for a solid issue, but we know she's better off with Scott.
NOT HIS WIFE!
However, as we see with his various love affairs with Japanese women, Wolverine is pretty devoted and emotional when he wants to be. And he's good as a mentor to young X-Men like Kitty Pryde. Also in the "pro" department, he is very smart. And he's straightforward, which I can respect.
I LIKE HIS ATTITUDE!
I also respect that he is a proud Canadian (when not written by Jeph Loeb) and is a hockey fan. But he also strikes me as your typical stereotypical husband type who would sit around watching sports and drinking when he's not at work, and expecting you to bring him food. Frankly, I like to aim higher with my fantasy superhero husbands.
HULK PROBABLY DOES MIND.
He can rapidly recover from basically any injury or illness, he has animal-like instincts, and he involuntarily had his skeleton covered in unbreakable adamantium which also gives him unbreakable retractable claws. According to his Wikipedia entry, it is believed that the only way to kill him is to decapitate him and remove his head from the vicinity of the body. Obviously, this is pretty sexy.
THE MAN CAN REALLY FILL OUT A TANKTOP.
Seriously, though, I think a guy who can take a bullet for you and it won't interrupt your date much is appealing. Apparently on said date he could also be decapitated by lazy attackers who leave the head on the ground next to the body, and you will still make it to the theatre having only missed the trailers. Not bad.
I do not, however, like thinking about holding hands with the guy and the claws suddenly pop out unexpectedly. And you would have to shower a lot because that guy can really, really smell you. And yet, he probably smells terrible. He doesn't strike me as a frequent bather.
NOW WITH LESS BODY HAIR!
So what I am saying is, the healing powers are sexy, the claws are scary, and the animal senses are weird.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? NOTHING.
This one is tough because Wolverine has lived for, like, a billion years so he's had a few jobs. Most notably, he was a Canadian soldier, then secret agent, then experiment for the evil Canadian secret military project, Weapon X. I think my favourite thing about Wolverine is Weapon X. For one thing, there is no way Canada could afford to fund a secret military organization, much less an evil one. Maybe Canada could afford to coat a skeleton in nickel. Perhaps gravy. Certainly not something as expensive-sounding as adumantium. That's just silly.
THIS IS HOW I'D LIKE TO GO.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Wolverine! He doesn't really have a day job now. He splits his time between being an X-Man, an Avenger, a helper of Power Pack, and a sullen loner. Also, sometimes he goes undercover by wearing an eyepatch and calling himself "Patch." And the bad guys try not to hurt his feelings by letting him know that this is a terrible disguise.
"OH HEY WOLVERINE. WHAT'S WITH THE EYEPATCH?"
I mean, seriously. Patch?! It's like Clark Kent calling himself Glasses. Or Bruce Wayne calling himself "Without the Batman Costume."
Anyway, Patch, if that is your real name, which it isn't Logan, which isn't your real name either, James...Actually, Wolverine has some real identity crisis issues that might be annoying.
FROM WOLVERINE'S BRIEF CAREER AS A MODEL.
Besides the fact that he's not the easiest guy to talk to, and the decades of pain he carries inside him, it's also wise to remember that Wolverine is basically an alcoholic. Plus, a lot of his girlfriends end up dead.
LOOKIN' GOOD!
I'ma take off 3 points for that stuff. I think that's fair.
SCHLIKT?
No, Wolverine, you're done. Consider yourself rated. And consider yourself equal to Cyclops on the hunkometer, you crazy Canuck.
I'm in the mood for super hunks, and it's long past due that I rate the sexiest one-armed octogenarian around:
Those soldiers are so lucky.
Oh, Bucky. Where Do I begin?
Even as Captain America's teenage sidekick in WWII, you were a snappy dresser. And having your arm blown off, being frozen, and then being captured and reprogrammed by the Russian military only made you hotter.
In my fantasies, I'm the gun.
As Winter Soldier, Bucky had this really fantastic outfit. Dark blue jacket with the front bib, tight pants, domino mask, bionic arm...really great. Plus, clean-shaven but with long, dark, sexy hair.
You should grow your hair out again, Bucky.
Even after his haircut he still looks hot.
That bad guy has an excellent view.
Now, I'm not crazy about the new Captain America outfit, but you'll recall that I wasn't crazy about the old one either. I mean, I loved the old one as a super hero costume, it just wasn't particularly sexy. The new costume is not really any sexier, and it is less cool as a costume design. So it just loses. However, the man filling the suit continues to be very sexy, so that helps. And I do like that the new costume points directly at his crotch (oh, Alex Ross).
USA! USA!
I am in love with Winter Solider and yet I would not want to have to hang out with him at all. Dude is depressing. So the best strategy is to keep talking to a minimum with this guy. When in his presence, you should either be fighting or smooching. I prefer the latter, but I don't mind watching the former.
Bitch.
Not the worst way to die.
But it's not like Bucky is an asshole. He's a good guy. He wouldn't be wearing the Captain America uniform if he wasn't. He's brave and selfless and all that sexy stuff.
This is what I wanted for my grad photo.
He's just very serious and broody and maybe needs a little more time coping with the fact that he's been belived to be dead for the past 60 years, but has actually been a Soviet human weapon. And before that he was frozen. And the only guy who can really relate to any of that was his old WWII partner, Captain America, who died pretty much as soon as they reunited. It's all very sad. And sexy.
Winter Soldier sweats beads of pure cocoa.
When he's not being James Barnes, highly-skilled fighter and lover of Black Widow, he's being Captain America. Not bad, Bucky. Not bad.
He's gonna run to you.
Oh, Bucky doesn't have Steve Rogers' precious Super Soldier Serum in his veins. He's awesome all by himself.
He's not paying for that, either.
Um...and with the help of some guns...which he uses to shoot bad guys. Now I know that shooting people isn't really what super heroes are supposed to do, but Bucky looks so good doing it that I can't complain.
That guy loves to shoot things.
I don't want to use the word 'crazy' here to describe Bucky. A lot of perfectly sane people have a lot of faith in him. Sane people like, um...Tony Stark...
Bucky isn't crazy. But he might be. I feel that, like many Marvel heroes, he could just snap at any minute. But considering everything he's been through, I'd say he handles himself very well.
Bucky, no.
I'll find a way, Bucky.
Yes, yes, Bucky. A thousand times, yes.
Time for another super hunk!!! This time we dive beneath the waves to get a closer look at Marvel's aquatic hottie,
Namor does not care about this woman.
Namor's costume is, in a word, minimal.
"If I could wear less, I would."
It's easy to point out the skimpy outfits that female comic characters wear, but in truth the most revealing outfit is actually donned by a dude who was created in 1939. Namor usually only wears a speedo when he fights. And because this isn't quite flamboyant enough, he has little white wings on his ankles.
BKAK!
Lately he's been wearing a more conservative black costume, which retains the best elements of his embarassing 1970s suit with the little yellow wings. Lord.
I'd be mad too.
And let's talk about those Greta Garbo eyebrows. They are awesome.
The trick is to draw a white line around the brow before you pluck.
The whole package is pretty fabulous, if not a little, y'know...homo mermanus.
Straight!
I'm not going to pretend that Namor isn't a giant asshole. He really is. But heavy is the head that wears the crown, and maybe we'd all be cranky if we were the crown prince of an advanced underwater society. Or maybe he's just a douche.
He is using his wristband as a brass knuckle.
I wouldn't change a thing about Namor though. It's all about confidence, which our Sub-Mariner has in spades. When he looks at you from under those pointy eyebrows and that widow's peak and asks if you'd like to see the royal scepter, you say YES. Just ask Sue Storm. She knows what I'm talking about.
Mr Fantastic: Consider your wife banged.
Frankly, whenever Namor says anything you say "yes" because the way he talks is awesome.
Yes.
I would love to hear a debate between Namor and Thor.
"Is your refrigerator running, you disgusting land mammal?"
On the negative side...he has a bit of a temper.
It's true, though, that guy was lying.
Those soldiers were just minding their own business.
Yes, he's a dick. But he's got an exotic David Bowie quality that captures our hearts.
Namor found this girl.
This lady has no idea what she's getting herself into.
He is the monarch of Atlantis. It looks pretty good on the ol' resume.
Splish splash!
You wouldn't think that flight would be a included in the underwater superhero package, but it is for Namor! Depending on what era of Namor we're talking about, he can also either just be really strong and invulnerable, or he can call of the abilities of any underwater creature (ie - electric eel).
He's not really trying.
His powers, for the most part, are only operating when he is wet. This is funny. I like any hero who needs to be wet and shirtless at all times.
He really likes water.
I would also like to mention that Namor's entry contains what is possibly the greatest sentence on Wikipedia:
Later, Namor lost his ankle-wings when he released a mutagenic scrambler within the animated garbage-monster Sluj.
Incidentally, an almost identical sentence can be found in the Wikipedia entry for Harry Truman.
Who is he talking to?
Namor's past love interests include an evil chick, his own cousin, and Mr Fantastic's wife.
"Well, fish. It's just you and me, buddy."
Such a drama queen.
Oh, suck it up, Subby! That's not a bad score at all...considering your pointy...everything.
Living Between Wednesdays is a place for people who love comic books and superheroes.
