Super-Human Delinquents of the Thirtieth Century: Vibrex

Hey there! It's time to inaugurate another new feature here on Johnathan Saturdays. For a couple of years now I've been doing reviews of the Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century, said detritus being people who tried and failed to get into the Legion of Super-Heroes and occasionally people who got in and were subsequently kicked out for being evil. Now, I have a few more of those things that I can do, but Silver Age Legion rejects are getting a bit thin on the ground. I thought about expanding the definition to include villains but it just didn't sit right, so here we are: Super-human Delinquents of the Thirtieth Century, featuring all of the future's most strange and incompetent bad guys. First up: Vibrex, Master of Vibration!

Vibrex showed up in Legion of Super-Heroes No. 267, in a backup story set just after Mon-El had been released from the Phantom Zone and inducted into the Legion as a full member and not just a Sad Reservist. Everyone is hanging around the Clubhouse being cool and talking about how cool they are when they receive news that there is trouble on the space elevator (the space elevator is the coolest mode of future-travel there is, bar none) and they all rush off to look into it. Mon-El is excited to participate in his first Legion mission that doesn't involve beating up a robot Lex Luthor.

Oh no! The sentence that Mon-El didn't get to finish was indicating that he didn't believe that this assignment was going to be any trouble, but there is trouble after all! trouble in the form of a poorly-dressed super-villain!

Oh lord is he poorly dressed. That thing where his torso is a different colour than his limbs? All I can think of when I see that is "action figure whose arms and legs come off." He's practically a He-Man character, and not one of the good ones, like Buzz-Off. No, he's... he's that robotic elephant firefighter guy who squirted water out of his nose. Also, that's a terrible colour scheme. And you don't need a 'V' on your forehead if you have one on your chest.

Mon-El's not intimidated though, and - oh lord, the stripes go all the way around. This guy put a lot of effort into this costume, didn't he? He thinks that he looks fantastic, like the indie dude I saw last month who had the ironic tight jeans and the ironic jeanjacket-over-cardigan and the ironic pedophile moustache and the ironic Seventies haircut and it all came together no make him look like a badly-dressed guy with terrible hair. Actually, Vibrex is worse, because Mr. Indie was at least piling proven methods on top of one another to form a mess, while our blue-limbed pal here is just flailing wildly in the  fabric store.

Oh, shoot. I already told you his name, didn't I? Sorry for ruining your big moment, Vibrex. Really, though. You're not much of a planner. You sneak onboard the Space Elevator to steal some ore, armed only with your vibratory powers (obtained when he "...flew my unprotected cruiser into a deep space radiation field..." which is, incidently, another well-thought-out plan) and no evidence of superstrength (to carry the ore) or flight (to get off of the Space Elevator before it docks) or any thought to how to get away once he gets to the end of the elevator cable, because it's an elevator and he can't land it anywhere but at the regular landing area, which presumably has some sort of security.

Vibrex gets the upper hand quickly, using his vibratory powers to cancel Mon-El's anti-lead serum and shut off the other Legionnaires' flight belts, but shows his colours again immediately by completely ignoring the super-heroes that he just dumped out into space. Mister, if you're dumb enough to turn your back on three super-heroes after doing nothing more deadly to them than throwing them out of a door that's four kilometres in the air then you deserve this:

KRAK!

BOK!

UH... IN SPACE, NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU GET PUNCHED!

Anyway, I have more pictures of Vibrex but you know what? It's all the same. The guy was a loser, through and through - he ain't appearing in Legion of Three Worlds, that's for sure.

  

When Vibrex wakes up, tell him he's NOT APPROVED.

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: Review of the Molecular Master, By Johnathan

Ha ha! I have returned, overcoming a month's worth of illness, romance and computer failure to bring you the tale of a plucky little guy by the name of Molecular Master! Here, look at him sitting around in Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes No. 201:

Such a good-looking era in Legion art - check out the lovely Infectious Lass and the homely-as-sin Porcupine Pete, as well as those way-cool chairs! I want those chairs, but maybe not in orange.

Molecular master gets to try out third, after Infectious Lass has made Star Boy barf and Porcupine Pete has studded the whole damn place with quills - note their abundant presence above. Which, actually, is kind of gross. I know a few people who would have to leave that room pretty quick-like after they realized that it would be like being in a big pile of toenail clippings or used hair or whatnot.

I don't know how I feel about the Molecular master's power:

That's a pretty old conception of what an atom looks like, MM. I do like the Kirby dots, though.

Also, i think that that might be a carbon atom, which is kind of boring. I just don't know...why does making an atom really big make it all crackly and energy-tastic? are all of my atoms doing that right now? And what does he do with the really big atom, anyway? Split it?

And just why the hell isn't he called the Atom Master, anyway? Gosh darn it, I want scientific accuracy fro my minor Seventies Legion characters! Isn't this the magazine that brought us the Chlorophyll Kid, causing literally dozens of youngsters to know that chlorophyll has something to do with plants? Oh, the shame.

So anyway, Molecular Master makes it through the first portion of the Legion application without anyone bellowing "REJECTED!" at him. Meanwhile, ERG-1 (you know, Wildfire) is roaming the Legion clubhouse in my favourite form, that of a blobby little pink cloud of antimatter. This is his second appearance after seemingly killing himself while saving Colossal Boy a year earlier and he's trying to get back to his uniform so that he can have some limbs again. Sadly, all of the Legion's technology seems designed to make life difficult for blobby pink guys and so:

He tries to possess the one person on the premises who isn't covered in Legion tech. But what horrible secret does the Molecular Master conceal?

By the way, I love the Molecular Master's costume. It's A-1.

No mind! But why?

Dang. That is one creepy android. I appreciate all the work that went into making all of those robotic facial features (check out the massive power supply going into that eyebrow! I'll bet he could make Mr. Spock run and cry with one hydraulically-augmented raising of that little number) but hawk-nosed tube-men with wildly staring eyes might just be a new phobia of mine.

Robot nose! Robot cheeks! Robot Adam's apple! Oh my god, terrifying robot ears!

ERG-1/Wildfire is upset about the other aspect of the Molecular Master's power: the highly poisonous breath. I like that at this point there no longer seems to be the need for someone to shout "There must be kryptonite in the gas!", though I would think that any gas potent enough to have an effect on Superboy might not require such a roundabout method of delivery. Just heave it through the front door in grenade form and he'd kill himself by sucking it up for easy disposal. Super-villains, huh? Always over-thinking.

So: evil android filled with poison gas and after the Legion's very own deus ex machina. Can he be stopped in time?

Oops - guess not.

Ah, the Miracle Machine, as recently featured in Final Crisis (and eventually featured in Matter-Eater Lad's bowel). The Legion really shouldn't be surprised that folks try to kill them for this thing. Perhaps they should at least hide it behind something opaque - you know, give the homicidal maniacs a bit of a challenge.

Don't worry, though. ERGfire has used the Machine to restore himself to his suit (and certainly not to fashion himself as new human body, no sir), thus sparing the Molecular Master the embarrassment of standing there dramatically while that big atom completely failed to do anything to the inertron. Psh. Big atoms...

Undaunted, the Molecular Master tries again! He makes the biggest damn atom ever!

ERG-1 eats the super-atom! The Molecular Master's super-power officially sucks. ERG, on the other hand...

... has the Antimatter Kick! I don't even care that Wildfire never really did any kicking in later years - blasting this one android in the face with his foot makes him just incredibly great.

That's not quite the end of the future's best-dressed android, though. A few years later, in Legion of Super-Heroes No. 281, a bunch of Legionnaires are trapped in the past and run into the little scamp. It's a weird issue: Roy Thomas and Paul Levitz team up to produce a weird script, while Steve Ditko and Bruce Patterson compliment it with some weird art.

That costume still looks good, though. Note that in this second appearance everyone thinks that his name is Molecule Master, which is lame. I won't be a party to such a renaming, damn it.

In this issue, the Molecular Master no longer has the awesome power of the Big Atom. Instead, he can sort of generically control molecules, causing things to fly around and warp out of shape and so forth. I think at one point that he turns some air into rocks. Surprisingly, this is not an improvement. The absence of the big atoms has made me miss them.

Superboy, by the way, thinks that he's Ultra Boy, who is at this point possibly dead.

Molecular Master still has a robot nose but its not as terrifying. Thanks for showing me that, Superboy. I'll sleep easier tonight!

So it turns out that MM was working for *yawn* the Time Trapper, who really wanted that Miracle Machine, darn it. I can't remember if the thing was still uneaten at this point - if it wasn't what the Time Trapper was after here then I don't have a sweet clue what's going on. Oh, the perils of writing that hooded buffoon into your stories: I will never remember what the hell is up.

Hey, I just noticed - Saturn Girl is giving him the guns!

See? Lousy power.

Flying machine gun-attack is better than jeep-attack, but still.

Eventually, Molecular Master resorts to throwing rocks at the Legionnaires. Snazzy costume or not, that's pretty lame. Also, this version of the Master exploded when too many people attacked him at once. Were I more fond of the original version of the character, I might have concealed the existence of this one but the big atoms and the horrible robot nose and the Time Trapper connection all come together to spell NOT APPROVED.

There we go. Two hundredth post.

Super-Human Detritus of the Twentieth Century: Review of the Super-Companions, By Johnathan

From Adventure Comics No. 371 comes the most tangential Legion story ever! Well, maybe. It definitely shouldn't be billed as a Tale of the Legion of Super-Heroes, that's for sure. Maybe a Tale Where the Legion Shows Up for a Couple of Panels and Also Gets Mentioned Two or Three Times.

Enough picking of nits: time for the Super-Companions!

Yay, Super-Companions! So happy, so poorly-dressed. I was originally going to do up a separate review of each member of the group, but it was too hard to extract them from the story in order to do so. So what we're going to do here is sketch out the plot of "When Superboy Walked Out on the Legion", pausing frequently to cast a critical eye over those most super of companions, the Super-Companions.

So: our story opens in Smallville, as Clark (Superboy) Kent engages in his customary Bird Wakefulness Check (every day at 11:45, between the Manatee Continence Scan and the Deep Elephant Sniff. Superboy is nothing if not thorough). I must say, those sleeping students are fantastic. That one guy by the chalk board, for example, fell asleep so hard that he didn't have time to fall over. I just hope that if I'm ever caught up in a mysterious wave of sleepiness I have the presence of mind to at least slump forward, or even go jelly-legged and hit the deck. If this classroom represents the general state of things in Smallville then there are going to be a lot of very stiff necks once this episode is over. Gonna be a cranky, cranky tiny town.

OTHAR

Othar isn't really a Super-Companion, but I'm including him in the review process because he's in that splash page up there. Othar is really hard to categorize, on a couple of levels. I can't decide if he's a Benevolent Highly-Evolved Being who just happens to threaten broad swathes of a planet's population with eternal sleep in the event that he doesn't get his way or a Diabolical Alien Mastermind who doesn't have any real villainous followthrough. Either way, the guy is pretty inept.

Possibly my favourite thing about Othar is how over the top he is. All stops were pulled out on this guy to make him the very picture of impressive alienhood. Look how tall he is! check out the cape, the collar, the bulging cranium! Dig that crazy monocle, man! The Spock-esque ear/eyebrow combo is just icing on this particular cake.

Also, Othar seems to be in charge of this guy, who is among the better nameless underlings ever. About the only thing that Othar was missing was some sort of impressive facial hair, and his little buddy was all over that action, upper lip-first. Also, he seems to be filled with unearned bravado - if Superboy were to take one menacing step in his direction then I bet that he'd run and hide behind Othar.

I have no idea why the Thrannans seem to have two distinct head sizes. It's not that some of them have bigger brains, I can tell you that. The big-headed one seem to be in charge, but if they're the ones who thought up this super-hero-importation plan then perhaps it's time to give the small-heads a turn. More superheroes mean more trouble, guys.

And there you have it, folks: the only appearance of the Legion in this Tale of the Legion of Super-Heroes, outside of the cover. Not particularly worthy of note, though I do like "space-happy". I like to think that maybe it's the Thirtieth Century equivalent of "road rage", and that at some point between now and then people suffered from "undersea pneumatic people transporter giddiness".

Othar and his guys head for the horribly yellow Planet Cruxl, there to kidnap:

LIQUIDMAN

Liquidman is an interesting cat. There's no denying that he undergoes quite a dramatic transformation thanks to that purplish potion, and if I read his hair colour right then he's a respected elder super-hero on Cruxl... but there's no question that as far as superpowers go the anthropomorphic puddle isn't going to hold much of a candle to, say, the super-speedster. Unless of course it becomes vital to the fate of the universe that a small napkin become damp as quickly as possible.

More evidence: if you have to change back to your secret identity to deal with aliens then perhaps you should be reconsidering your career path. What was the plan once you found those crooks anyway, Liquidman? Were you going to run off and tell on them? Wait until they went to bed and then subdue them from within their lungs?

And how the hell does a puddle take a potion anyway?

Planet Cruxl is in the running for DC planet with the best buildings - check out that crazy curvy brown apartment building in the last couple of panels. Who wouldn't enjoy living in a place like that?

So: the Thrannans have kidnapped Superboy, the strongest, fastest, most invulnerable hero in creation, and Liquidman, who can become a puddle. Who's next, eh? Will there be some sort of balance of power on this team or will we be seeing a guy who can shrink his head to the size of a doorknob?

STORMBOY

Oh, wow! It is someone with an in-betweeny power level! And a really bad costume! Really, really bad, in fact.

Note that while kidnapping Liquidman and Superboy will likely just lead to a few more jewel thieves and monsters roaming their respective countrysides, stealing Stormboy is actually going to cause droughts and famines and the like, unless Stormboy is some sort of unnecessary roaming nuisance. Othar does not like to share his metahumans, plainly.

I wonder: do Stormboy's storms keep on going until he shuts them off? He's clearly not concentrating on the one in the above panel but it's still going like gangbusters. I like to imagine that he left the planet without turning it off and that all of the sleeping people had a big surprise waiting for them when they woke up.

Wait, how does making it rain on a city help to fix a drought?

TREE-MAN

Tree-Man, as you might have guessed from his one-panel kidnapping scene, isn't given quite as much character development as Liquidman or Stormboy. Still, he's pretty great and comes from a planet of people who wear neither shirts nor shoes (and consequently have no restaurants). Plus, he's got an interesting twist on the stretchy-style superhero going on - when's the last time that you saw Ralph Dibney grow a couple of arms out of his chest?

TELEPATHY MAN

Telepathy Man is a really terrible name. Also, his forehead looks like a bosom.

Like Stormboy, Telepathy Man seems to be less of a super-hero than a public service. He builds with his brain while wearing a poorly-tailored outfit. While useful, I don't know if it warrants the "hero" portion of the name. Super-service-provider, perhaps, or super-alternative-to-going-to-the-hardware-store.

SHADOWMAN

Poor Shadowman gets perhaps the least impressive first appearance in this story. Othar tells us about his powers and there are no criminals or weather conditions for him to defeat or even adoring citizens to tell us how great he is... heck, I don't even think that they bothered to turn on the sleep ray in order to capture him. Othar probably just sent his mustachioed comrade out to give the universal signal to get one's ass on in the spaceship (thumb over the shoulder, impatient glare) and Shadowman marched glumly inside.

Arrival on Thrann! Seems to me that this would be a great time for Superboy and Co. to wreck all of the sleep rays and space ships and then go home, right? because they're all there under duress, and therefore not obligated to honour any agreements that they might have made, right? Evidently not.

Let's read about everyone's weaknesses! The weird-looking pictures are vestiges of the post I did not write but since I spent so many seconds slaving over a hot Polygonal Lasso to make them I thought I should use them.

Superboy is safe on Thrann because there is no kryptonite there, says Othar, and then lays out why everyone else is safe:

Man. Stormboy is weak against the visible light spectrum. Not only that but he creates the thing that he is weak against the majority of the times that he uses his powers. It's like the if Martian Manhunter burst into flame every time he turned invisible.

Eh. Fire isn't a very good weakness, especially against a guy made out of water. Because fire is everyone's weakness. Not having a weakness to fire is, in fact, a really good power. In any case, it looks like Othar interpreted that picture wrong. I'm not seeing "This fire is weakening me!" but rather "Oh no! My lab assistant threw his cigarette in the trash can again!".

No rainbows? No fireplaces? Thrann is the least romantic planet ever, it's official.

Tree-disease isn't a bad weakness for a tree-guy.

That's all I got.

Again, not a bad weakness. The best part of this panel, though, is the beret-clad bad guys. It's like Shadowman's world is bereft of funding for the arts, so troupes of avant garde artists loot the countryside to finance their massive absinthe and burnt umber habits. Also, that long radium-wrangling pole shows some amazing foresight and patience.


Stormboy is spared! This is the worst possible weakness that a superhero could have!

"I will defeat you, Evil Boy, with my mind! Just as soon as you stop being evil! Until then I shall retire to my secret lair next to the prison, where I will try for the third week in a row to make a signal booster for my wi fi!"

And, uh, Othar? Technically, kidnapping six super-heroes just for the hell of it counts as an evil act. Not Darkseid evil, but still.

So Othar manages to convince the Super-Companions not to steal a spaceship and run for it and instead has them compete to see who will be the leader of their merry band of abductees. Let's watch:

I'm most impressed by Tree-Man's extendible pants. Pretty pedestrian feats, guy. Let's see what the others are up to:

Man, I know that this stuff is very impressive on one level but I just can't care that much about prospecting and power-generation. No wonder Superboy won by building an iron castle and putting it in a low orbit.

Liquidman, by the way, didn't do anything to make the lives of his kidnappers better. Where's your Stockholm syndrome-fueled loyalty, pal?

In any case, the rest of the story was all about how the Super-Companions were ostensibly very content on Thrann but really very homesick and kind of painted them as being basically identical to one another. For example:

He had to protect his secret identity in case a disgruntled unseasonal dry spell came after his loved ones.

"It was funny how they never really used it, those law officers..."

The remainder of the issue is concerned with the Super-Companions staging a big fight in order to convince the Thrannans that they were more trouble than they were worth. Superboy wears that crown the whole time.

Everyone has a big laugh and goes home, the end. On to the ratings!

Othar - a Class A tool. Only gets points for having that little sidekick guy. NOT APPROVED.

Liquidman - I like his hair but deride his power. Still, his refusal to do tricks for the Thrannans makes him JOHN APPROVED.

Stormboy - The worst dresser of them all. Not a bad power but should be hiring himself out rather than freelancing for free. Lack of common sense equals NOT APPROVED

Tree-man - He's definitely my favourite. Purple pants are always a good thing, and erupting extra limbs from your chest to foil crooks is even better. JOHN APPROVED

Telepathy Man - Not a good super-hero. Not a good dresser. NOT APPROVED

Shadowman - Didn't do much to impress me but the really important thing for me is the quality of his enemies and they are top notch impressionist painters and the like, so JOHN APPROVED

Good night!

Super-Human Detritus of the Twentieth Century: Review of the Super-Companions Preamble, By Johnathan

Adventure Comics No. 371! Super Companions! Coming soon!

I'm not going to post the whole damn comic, so it won't take three months!

Whee!

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: A Supergirl Week Special Conclusion of the Review of Satan Girl, By Johnathan

Hyah! Supergirl Week continues, with:

Yes, folks - today's the day that everyone gets to learn the truth about the would-be Legionnaire with the poorly-thought-out name! Plus: a bonus secret! Turns out that I'm not very good at condensing Silver Age comics, so you're going to have to strain your eyes on a super-long John-post, once more. *Phew* I tell you, it's good to get that off of my chest.

Okay, let's check in on Supergirl and the LSH. What's going on, Supergirl?

You know, this is a side of the male Legionnaires that one doesn't usually see. They're not usually so... open to receiving advice. Bravo, fellas.

I guess that that's a pretty good plan, especially in the DC Universe, where everybody has a weakness to something (like regular John, DCU John's weakness is beer and chicken wings. I tell you this for the same reason that Superman gave Batman that kryptonite ring: so that you can stop me if I ever go on some sort of rampage. Or am a wee bit peckish). I just hope, however, that Supergirl never has to go head-to-head with the Joker, say. Things could get ugly.

I know that pointing out logical flaws in any Silver Age comic is kind of like announcing to a beachful of people that the ocean is a bit damp, but I feel compelled - compelled, I say - to bring up the fact that Supergirl is disregarding the fact that Daxamites like Mon-El have access to serums and such that negate their weakness to lead. So Satan Girl could totally be a Daxamite.

*Phew* wow, man. That... that's a big load off of my nerd-shoulders. I feel a lot better.

The, uh, future that you're in right now, or the future of the future? Which is it, Supergirl?

Gah! I was going to make some point about how the term "Intelligent alien animals" technically covers everyone that Supergirl hangs out with on a regular basis, and then call her a shapeist or something, but those ball-things are creeping me out. Remember Madballs? Madballs had nothing on these things, not even the ones whose brains were leaking out. *shudder*

NOT APPROVED, ball-things! NOT APPROVED!

Ugh.

Okay, the ballbonations playing with Bouncing Boy is a little bit adorable.

You know, I'm always kind of impressed with Supergirl and Superman when they do something like this. Not because they can deus ex machina a solution to any problem out of dirt and spit, but because they manage to make such nice-looking stuff with their bare hands. Seriously, I've sculpted enough to know that if I had the ability to fuse sand into glass with my mighty John-strength I would consistently end up with big fingerprints and those spikes that you get when you squeeze too hard and stuff oozes up between your fingers. I would not produce any perfectly-faceted diamonds or factory-perfect android-paralyzing guns.

!!!

Why the hell is Bouncing Boy attacking this lady while Colossal Boy takes shelter behind some invalids? Is this how he lost the cowboy gloves, by not acting cowboy enough? Dammit!

By the way, Supergirl's awesome deductions re: Satan Girl's origin?

Totally wrong. Also, we're about due for "laughing with your fists on your hips" to make a comeback. Next time someone fails to thwart your schemes, give it a try!

Brought to you by the Society for the Promotion of More Interesting Nostalgic Trends Than are Usually Extant.

This is a boring panel. I include it only because of that "she can't use her power on animals" bit, which is important later on (ha ha, spoilers!)

So: the Legion flees the planet, leaving the hideous ball-beings to the tender mercies of someone named Satan Girl.

Did... did she just blow straight through that creature? What the hell? What power is it that she has that doesn't work on animals? Not "brain-removal breath", that's for sure.

Eventually, the ball-critters lose enough of their number to make for the hills, and Satan Girl makes a startling revelation! Could this be a clue to her totally secret identity?

Just where the hell did the Legion go, anyway!

Aw, yeah, the Puppet Planetoid. I was unreasonably excited when this place showed up after the Five Year Gap, let me tell you. Check out those hideous puppets, man! They're much more endearing than the hideous ball-things, really. Here, check out the secret origin of this place:

Now, I don't have children, and I don't get many chances to hang out with children, but I just got back from Thanksgiving dinner, and my niece and nephew were there, all full of beans. I would bet you one hundred Canadian dollars that if I gave them some puppets and told them to go play in a hole I figure I'd get my comeuppance pretty darned quickly. These giant blue extradimensional kids are weird, says I.

You know what? I take back the nice things I said about the boy Legionnaires earlier. They're all high or something in this issue, seriously. How the hell could Lightning Lad not be firing huge bolts of electricity at that lady as she flies in with a ridiculous amount of kryptonite? He and Cosmic Boy found Shrinking Violet's secret stash while they were packing her a bag to take to Quarantine World, that's how.

Also, does the amount of kryptonite present make any difference? Does this giant pile of the stuff just provide more coverage, or is Supergirl basically dead? Because she seems pretty calm about this event.

WHAT POWERS? The red beam thing? Because that doesn't seem to be working on anyone but superpowered women, Supergirl. Or do you mean the super-strength and like that, which very much did work on the ball-things - specify! And be wrong!

Not that calling in the Legion of Super-Pets isn't a good idea, mind you. Having half a dozen tiny versions of Superman can only help in most situations, I reckon. They should really be in on more super-cases - it would really speed up the average Superman/Brainiac fight, for instance.

Man, Krypto and Streaky have no idea what he's talking about.

Damn. I grew up around horses, and they were always trying to bite me or casually crushing me up against a wall or whatever, because horses are jerks. And so, I feel qualified to say that the prospect of a super-powered horse flying at me like Comet is doing in the above panel is frigging terrifying. Those things are huge. Satan Girl is a better person than me if she didn't just pee a little.

Also, it turns out that it was the red rays that everyone was talking about in the context of how they don't work on animals. Okay, say I, but based on all of the evidence given in this comic they don't work on male humanoids either. So why aren't the Legion dudes piling on top of this evil lady? Show your work, Supergirl.

Dramatic secret! Awe-inspiring revelation! Satan Girl is a red kryptonite boojum, like 1/3 or so of the Superman Family's Silver Age adversaries. Wooooooooo!

Blah, blah, red kryptonite. The more interesting aspect of this kind of story is the fact that it kind of underlines how DC super-heroes don't give two, uh poos about how the clone feels in this sort of situation. They get split into two and the new version of themself says "I want to live, Green Arrow!" and Green Arrow's all like, "Rarr, no! You are a Chartruse Arrowine double of me and you will hang around in the Arrow Cave until you cease to exist!" and then the double is a bad guy because he sees that as unreasonable.

Granted, Satan Girl carries things to extremes with her "mass murder" twist on the theme, but I still think I could write a decent essay on the subject if I weren't so lazy.

Okay, so that's why the dudes weren't affected. Still, Supergirl didn't know that.

Blah, blah, stupid plan (sorry, I went away to work and vote and then to drink a large gin and tonic. My wit is somewhat blunted).

"I take comfort in the fact that my costume was way cooler than yours *cough cough* even though I made it in, like, an hour..."

"Oh, well, she's dead. Now what's for lunch?" 

Sheesh.

In closing, I'd like to say that the suit of lead armour is ridiculous. Yes folks, I just can't give the Silver Age a break. Don't worry, though: we're still on speaking terms.

Satan Girl, you're NOT APPROVED

(Due to the aforementioned gin, this review was brought to you by One-draft John, not proofreading since 1979)

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: A Supergirl Week Special Review of Satan Girl, By Johnathan

Ha-ha! After dragging out for more than a month, the thrilling conclusion to the gripping drama that is the review of the ever-mysterious Concentrator has been preempted due to my love of participating in the theme weeks that Rachelle occasionally proclaims from her mighty throne over at Living Between Wednesdays. Naturally, I chose to write about Supergirl palling around with the Legion of Super-Heroes, and in an eerie bit of synchronicity, the first Supergirl/Legion story that I felt like writing about - and that Super Future Friends hadn't already talked about much better than I ever could - was Adventure Comics No. 313, featuring Satan Girl, winner of the last Paul and John poll!

That sentence was too long and convoluted!

Okay, Satan Girl! 

The story opens on various female Legionnaires, doing their regular Legion business:

Lightning Lass, surprisingly, is actually using her powers in a logical, useful and helpful way, instead of breaking my ability to suspend disbelief by, say, using giant lightning bolts to pick up trash or entertain the elderly by making hobos dance. Suddenly: illness!

Saturn Girl gets sick, too, possibly due to those gross eye-tentacles. Or the discoloured patch on that old diplomat's crotch.

Note, though, that she's doing useful, important work, too. Could this be the beginning of a new era of respect and equality in the Legion?

Well, I'm not saying that this is a positive "No.", this is a bit suspicious. Frankly, it sounds like the setup for an elaborate prank. "And then I turned on the engines! It was awesome! She was so embarrassed that I haven't seen her since, though I did find one of her shoes on the roof for some reason."

Even poor Night Girl is affected, when she comes over to help look after the sick'uns:

Sheesh, really? Quarantine World? Well, I suppose it is contagious... yeah, quarantine can't hurt, even if it doesn't seem to be much worse than a bad case of mono.

Okay, that's pretty harsh, Superboy. Seriously, they don't seem that bad. Look, they can stand up, all by themselves! 

This is why Superboy isn't allowed in the Smallville Old Folks' Home any more, by the way.

("Happy Thanksgiving, you're all doomed! Old and doomed! Let's hope you can finish your turkey before you die!)

So, the female Legionnaires are all sick and exiled. Then:

Satan Girl shows up! Satan Girl! 

Satan Girl!

This is... this is just the worst idea anyone ever had. Seriously, she might have had a slightly better chance of getting into the Legion if her name was Bad-touch Lass, or Kid Hate-crime. Or Duck-Murderer Damsel. Even circa 1992, a character named Satan Girl would have a tough time getting into the Legion - I think that the best she might hope for would be a solo gig as a "troubled loner". With a dark, secret past. 

And yet she's upset when she doesn't get in. Despite her impressive cheekbones, Satan Girl just isn't the sharpest peach in the pie. Note, for example, the immediate confession of evil deeds.

The Legion is thwarted, since they only have the one ship, and certainly don't have access to teleportation or time-travel technology (or the awesome might of the Concentrator, which remains a secret, bwa-ha).

(damn it, I forgot to add a joke about Sun Boy being the one who's shouting "Grab her!" Please supply your own juvenile snicker-fest, this time)

Since Superboy and Mon-El are off doing stuff, the Legion calls in Supergirl, and makes her Honorary Legion Leader because she's the only one tough enough to take on Satan Girl. All the boys wear their best doofy grins to meet her.

I sure do like these robot-nurses - they're exposition machines! I bet they make that little non-joke about knowing their professions about three hundred times per day - note the expression on Saturn Girl's face.

Hey... I just noticed that the robots have skirts on. Because... because they're nurses? I guess I am more attracted to them now that I know that they're female, so I'll let it pass.

That's how I want to go - spewing exposition to the very end. Rest in peace, foxy robot lady.

Anyway, it's time for the most important part of this comic: 

GIRL FIGHT!

FLASH! WHIRL! SOCK! POW! Time for a hug!

Aw, Supergirl. Heat vision is against the Girl Fight rules. Round One to Satan Girl.

Actually, I'm pretty impressed with how this scrap was handled. Satan Girl's hair-pull in the above panel was the only "girly" move pulled by either contestant. And frankly, if someone was trying to eye-laser a mask off of my face? I'd be doing some hair-pulling, too.

Since Supergirl figures that Satan Girl must be a rogue Kryptonian of some kind (and surely not a Daxamite or any of  thirty or forty other super-powered races that've shown up by this point) she rounds up some still-incredibly-common-even-in-the-future kryptonite, to... well, when you get right down to it, to give Satan Girl a dose of radiation sickness. That's actually really harsh, Supergirl.

Too bad for Supergirl: Satan Girl is immune to the effects of kryptonite. Which is good, actually, because since that box was full of dust it's probably all through her clothes and in her lungs and everywhere - if she were Kryptonian, she'd totally be dead, I think. 

Also luckily for Supergirl, Satan Girl hides in a cave, instead of coming over for another super-hug. Supergirl cunningly waits out front...

... while Satan Girl blasts out the back! Damn, Supergirl - I think that Satan Girl is winning on points, so far. But can she keep up the pace and unleash enough dastardly maneuvers to win this one? We'll see, in Part 2!

Okay, forks. I'll see you in a day or so for the stirring conclusion - soon you will know the mysterious, unguessable secret of just who Satan Girl is!

Happy Supergirl Week, one and all.