Archie Sunday: Weatherbeating

I can't think of a panel that more clearly demonstrates my theory that Riverdale is a terrifying town full of the worst people on Earth:

This man is a SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. And what is he going to do exactly when he finds Archie? Beat him with that 2x4? For real?

Of course he is. Because it's Riverdale, and Archie knows that if he doesn't hide in a tree all night, Mr Weatherbee will find him and beat him within an inch of his life.

It's also notable that those kids don't find anything odd about a furious man with a weapon stalking the streets at night looking for a frightened teenager. Par for course in ol' Riverdale.

Superboy Checks Out Lana's Cans

Lamest use of super powers ever:

Courtesy, of course, of Showcase Presents Legion of Super-Heroes, which I cannot get enough of.

Living Between Mondays

Alright, Christmas break is over. Time to get back to bloggin'.

Now, the bad news is that the new comics this week, due to a shipping error, won't be reaching Eastern Canada until...MONDAY!!!

Yes, it's true. No new Green Lantern, Batman, Captain America, Brave and the Bold OR Daredevil until MONDAY!

Fortunately, I got a bunch of comics to read for Christmas, including the Frank Miller/Klaus Janson Daredevil Omnibus, so I'm all set.

But mostly I have been reading Showcase Presents The Legion of Superheroes, which I also received for xmas. Man, what a bunch of jerks those kids are, eh? And Superboy is no better. Not even an apology to Mon-El for nearly killing him and then banishing him to the Phantom Zone? Really?

The other bright side to the comics being late is that it gives me time to work on my Best of 2007 post, which will probably take awhile.

And I've got some super hunks to rate.

Sooo...what did you guys get for Christmas?

This Week's Haul: Badness Happening in Tangent

So, I don't really want to get into the two comics in too much detail, but there was a very specific problem happening with Justice League of America and Countdown Arena this week. Consider first the infinitely unlikely coincidence of any Tangent comics character being referenced twice in one week. Now let's add the improbability that the same Tangent character is being used in two separate series...and that one of these comics completely contradicts the events of the other. I mean, I don't care to see the Tangent comics Flash in any of my books, but I certainly don't want her to be teaming up with the JLA in one book, and dying horribly in another at the exact same time. I mean, really, what are the odds that the same RIDICULOUSLY obscure character is being used twice in one week, and that they can't even get THAT to sync up?!

In related news, I dropped JLA from my pull list this week. I gave it a more than fair chance, and this issue was beyond terrible. Never in my wildest dreams would I expect to drop a JLA comic written by Dwayne McDuffie, but here we are.

And since I am waxing cranky about DC anyway, I'd also like to voice my disappointment of a complete lack of Christmas-themed comic this year. Oh, except the TERRIBLE issue of Detective Comics, which wrapped up the Resurrection of Ra's Al Ghul with this drippy panel:

Yargh. I almost barfed on my comic, which would have reduced its condition to poor and I would not have been able to return it to the store.

But seriously, DC. Nothing? Last year you guys had that great Xmas issue of JLU, and then the half decent Infinite Christmas Holiday special, PLUS a festive issue of 52. And this year not even a festive installment of Countdown?! What's wrong with the DCU? It's a world of dread and fear, where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears. Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

And don't think you're getting away easy, either Marvel! What If Civil War?! That's not even a question! And the inside was, like, what if Civil War was written correctly the first time. But with much worse art, at least in the second story.

The Marvel Christmas Special was, however, very fun. Particularly the first story.

I'm in a bad mood because I took home a very large stack of comics and enjoyed very few of them. But, hey. It wasn't all bad. Let's look at some others:

The Immortal Iron Fist #11

Now THIS was an awesome comic!

This must be the funnest comic to write. Particularly this storyline, with the kung-fu matches happening in every issue, complete with crazy awesome names for every move.

And the bad guys are just so evil. I love it!

This series rules so much because its pretty much the lone representative on the shelves currently of a very classic genre of pulp entertainment. And it's a really, really good representative. It's kinda like The Spirit in that way. I feel when I am reading it that it's a labour of love for everyone involved.

Catwoman #74

I love this series, but why oh why must it constantly be tying into events? Particularly events that I have no interest in? If any comic should just be allowed to stand alone, it's this one. I get that they want to make Catwoman kinda badass again. This issue had her cutting off all her hair to symbolize her return to...I dunno...pre-One Year Later, I suppose. Forget everything you thought you knew and enjoyed about Selina Kyle, because now she's childless and being magically transported to Salvation Run! Why? I am guessing her books aren't selling well enough. Which is too bad because its an excellent series, and was actually the best post-Crisis book going, for my money. But thank God they are doing away with all those pesky character developments that I have been very excited about for the past year and a half or so. Why stop at this reduction? Let's just stuff her in the purple costume again and have Doug Moench write her.

Argh. Sorry. I trust in Pfeifer to maintain the awesomeness of this comic through whatever muck the higher ups at DC decide to drag it through, because he's done a good job so far. I'm just frustrated because I love this series so much, and Selina Kyle is one of my all-time favourite fictional characters. This issue was good, and the art was beautiful as always, but I just wish it could be left alone. I guess I should be thankful that it wasn't part of the Ra's Al Ghul crossover.

Birds of Prey #113

Sean McKeever makes his debut, and it's a loud one! He decides to kick off his run with a giant disaster which occurs on the BoP's watch. A big ol' chunk of Metropolis gets blown up. It's not good:

Barbara gets a strip torn off her from Superman:

I think it's an interesting direction for the series. Now the team is fighting to get back in Superman's good books. The writing was great, even though it understandably needed to include a number of quick character introductions to get new readers up-to-speed. I really enjoyed Tony Bedard's short run on this, but I'm excited to see what McKeever's got planned.

Incredible Hulk #112

Marvel wins this week because I really enjoyed this comic too. The art, by Khoi Pham and Stephane Peru, was really excellent.

I'm really enjoying the team-up of Hercules and this Amadeus kid. They are a lot of fun together.

Superman #671

All I really want to say about this comic is how much I love this panel:

Ahahahaha! He looks like Beaker!

Superman/Batman #44

Can you believe this series is up to issue #44 already? I do love that bold cover, though, of Superman busting right through Batman, ripping him clean in half.

I'm not going to lie to you...I was looking forward to this issue because I could not wait to make fun of it. After Michael Green's absolutely absurd run on Batman Confidential, I was expecting nothing less than side-splitting unintentional hilarity out of this book. I wasn't disappointed. But I also didn't hate it in the way I thought I would. It actually captured my heart, much like my beloved Smallville: it's so stupid, it's almost charming.

It opens with Superman and Batman secretly watching over the filming of a Superman/Batman movie (directed, apparantly, by Jeph Loeb).

They are using real Kryptonite on the set as a prop for "realism." That's fine, except this comic also works in Smallville continuity, meaning that Kryptonite causes mutations in many humans. So...if that were the case...they probably wouldn't be using it on the set of a movie. It wouldn't be all that safe.

Anyway, Livewire shows up and does her thing, which causes Kryptonite shards to fly everywhere, including into Superman's face and eye.

So he goes down, and Flash shows up. Except Flash is a TOTAL DOUCHE! He just keeps ribbing Supes for being taken down by a "second-stringer" like Livewire. But, seriously, Superman has a face full of Kryptonite and he is dying. And Flash is being all "Man, I am never going to let you live this down." It's jarringly out-of-character for ol' Wally.

Anyway, they get Superman to the Fortress of Solitude, and Batman shows up with Alfred so he can remove the Kryptonite. Could they have taken Superman to the Batcave and it would have been easier for everyone? Yes. Of course.

Superman does some thinking over the next few days, and then recruits Batman to help him rid the world of all Kryptonite. The issue ends with them realizing that there is an awful lot of it to round up. Good thing they have five more issues.

Metamorpho Year One #6

This comic had that thing that I love where superheroes team up to mess with people's heads!

The JLA totally shows up in this issue and disguises themselves as bad guys so Metamorpho will fight them and show them what he's got. I love that stuff!

And Batman...did nothing.

This was a great ending to a very fun mini-series. Well done! But I'm still not reading Outsiders!

***Speaking of The Outsiders, Geo-Force got traded in this week's issue. He's no longer a JLA member. Can they just do that? "Hey, Geo-Force...pack your desk. You're moving to the Outsiders."

Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four #31

I will buy anything with David Hahn art. Plus, I loves me some Marvel Adventures comics.

This was written by Kirsten Sinclair, who I admit I am unfamiliar with. The issue is a lot of fun. The FF go shopping! And The Thing gets a facial!

It's very funny and the art, of course, is beautiful. Do check it out.

All done! My scanner wasn't working all week, but I got it up and running again. So the posts should be flowing on a more regular basis. Comments are welcome. We can talk about anything...like how rad Grendel is, or how much I wish next week's comics...which are going to RULE...we're going to be late. Stupid holidays.

Aliens and Their Schemes: Review of Adventure Comics No. 337, Part 2

*I accidentally published this before it was even started and I'm far too lazy to upload all of these pictures to another post, so enjoy what I've written so far. I'll be hitting 'Publish Post' periodically as I write.

Update: busy week! Christmas parties and other such social engagements, oh my! Plus I seem to have managed to start dating a girl. Never fear, though: it'll be done before Christmas.

Other update: One last push! damn tiredness! Damn crankyness! Do it, Johnathan! Do it for all those kids out there that won't have a proper Christmas unless they know how the middle part of this comic ends and what your thoughts on that are! Get in there and review!

Fourth update: I am a broken man with a full social calender. Looks like this might have to wait another day or so to be finished. Sorry, forks.

Updated update: bah. time to try something new. See the end of the post.

Here I am, back again to discuss the middle portion of Adventure Comics No. 337. As you may recall, when we left the Legion they were agitated over the threat of a possible invasion of the Earth by sickly-looking aliens. Meanwhile, romance was in bloom at Legion HQ and Brainiac 5 wasn't too happy about it. Awright, let's get back to the action! Er, I mean, the adventure!

So, the aliens are all worked up about a secret 'Plan-R' that the Legion claims is a foolproof fail-safe in the event of a war of the worlds or what have you. Since they have all superpowers, the three orange-clad chaps figure that the simplest way to find out what Plan-R is is to grab a Legionnaire and extract the info.

I've got to say: without the yellow skin these guys look a lot like older versions of Eddie Munster. Maybe their planet is like one of those worlds on Star Trek where the whole society is based around a spy novel or gangster films - maybe these guy come from the Munster Planet and the Eddies are the military branch of their society. They should totally be wearing his short-pants getup instead of orange jumpsuits, though.

And that's why Saturn Girl is the Legionnaire not to ambush. She's always able to call for backup - come on, Eddies, do a little research before you set out to kidnap a lady. Didn't Grandpa teach you anything?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: if I'm ever knocked out I sincerely hope that I'll have to presence of mind to mutter something about how I'm losing consciousness before I go under. Especially if it's something unlikely, as the more information that you manage to squeeze out before going down for the count, the more points that you get. Xaxan there managed an Analysis of What Hit Me followed by a Double Status Report, which is pretty good if this is his first time.

This panel isn't terribly funny but it's kind of important to the plot, so here it is. Yup. Everyone's looking pretty sharp here - classic costumes, real big forehead on Superboy...

Moving on:

One thing about that old rocket-shaped headquarters: it wasn't very big. You were practically guaranteed a crowd for any important announcements you wanted to make, even if it was mostly male Legionnaires with nothing better to do. Take note: it's not explicit here but that old Legion bylaw about married members getting chucked out on their ears is cropping up. Because there's no room for partnerships in a team, right?

That's actually a really lovely drawing of Phantom Girl. Just sayin' is all.

Legion wedding preparations:

Girls' side first: I think that what Saturn Girl is saying that her crazy, mixed-up planet/moon Titan has the way-out, super-alien tradition of... an official of some sort conducting the ceremony. Uh, wow... that's super crazy and futuristic, Titan. Way to try. I mean, you could have went the same way as the Bismollians and had some sort of talking dog do the deed, but you stuck to your guns. Your incredibly boring, individually-numbered, matte gray guns.

Looking forward to seeing Phantom Girl's dress, though. I hear that it's beautiful.

Boy's side: Jewel Painting, meh. Giant pearls (or possibly giant pears), meh. Wait a second...

INITIATE EMERGENCY MINI-REVIEW

INITIATING...

FUTURE ZOO: REVIEW OF HOUSE PET FROM PLANET KAVOON, BY JOHNATHAN

So all kinds of planets sent wedding presents to Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad, eh? Jewel paintings and giant pearls/pears and, uh, golf trophies, possibly. And then Mon-El shows up on planet Kavoom with his arms full of the jeweléd treasures of the galaxy and - and I'm just guessing here - they collectively go "Oh crap, we knew there was something that we had to do today. Uh, hold on." And then they collectively grab the first thing that they can get their collective hands on, toss it in a sack and send Mon-El packing as quickly as possible.

I don't like the looks of this thing, frankly. It's got creepy ears. It's got to be the Kavoomian equivalent of a sewer rat or something, that or Kavoomites are freaky-ass people. Look at the way it's sizing Lightning Lad up. It's getting ready to either eat him or rob him. No, the House Pet From Planet Kavoom (incidentally, the title of a long-running series of holo-horror films on Kavoom's nearest planetary neighbour) is completely

NOT APPROVED

RESUME MAIN REVIEW

Now, the first time that I read this I missed the comment that Saturn Girl made about wedding wands earlier and I thought that the little action-figures-on-sticks thing was some sort of doofy Legion tradition. Not that that didn't make sense, though, what with the Legion's habit of making new statues of themselves at the drop of a hat. In fact, speaking of hats, I am more than a little surprised that there's not a Silver Age tale in which Superboy shows up in the future only to find all of his pals walking around wearing hats that look like themselves for some Holiday of Tomorrow.

Phantom Girl's dress, by the way? Stunning. It's amazing the effect a veil can have on the outfit that you wear every day. Sheesh. Was she afraid that Ultra Boy wouldn't recognize her without a big 'P' on her chest? Actually... it is Ultra Boy we're talking about here. And the official? Didn't disappoint. Dull as powdered fruit punch.

When I get married/if I ever get married I'm going to try my damnedest to have all of my groomsmen carry a little action figure of themselves on a stick and then present them to me at the end of the reception. This will have two effects: firstly, having a wedding tradition that can be traced to a single issue of a 1960s comic book will firmly cement my position as King of All the Nerds. Secondly, the question of what exactly to do with five or six action figures on sticks with no practical use but high sentimental value will be a recurring theme in my marriage, coming up at least as often as we move or rearrange the furniture. Heck, it might come up in the divorce proceedings.

Here's where we get into the original reason for this interminable review. Switching to Super-Human Detritus mode... now!

So, following the double wedding (and double honeymoon? Scandal!) and subsequent resignation of Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl and Ultra Boy, the Legion finds itself short-handed and sets up a try-out (hooray!)!

This is my favourite thing in the whole comic: that the idea of whole planets dressing in exactly the same clothing had become so accepted in Legion of Super-Heroes comics that the Eddie Munster Squad figured that by turning into three white guys with different hair and clothes no one would ever think to connect them with each other. I bet that there were all kinds of crazy ceremonies and ritual punishments associated with wearing the costume of another world, like how Canadians give a formal spanking to anyone from another country that they catch wearing a toque.

The failing applicants at this try-out are all members of the Legion of Substitute Heroes. My thoughts on this stalwart bunch are detailed elsewhere, so I've omitted most of 'em. As an example, however, I present the panel featuring the love of my life (were I 2-dimensional and nine hundred and some-odd years into the Silver Age DC Universe's future and not in competition with a human magnet and not dating a lovely Nordic lass), Night Girl!

You're a fool, Brainiac 5! A fool!

*ahem*

Moving on yet again:

The aliens-in-disguise show up to show off. First up is Size Lad, who can change the size of things. Hmmm. Um... well, it's a super-power, I guess. Really, though, this guy should be the proud new owner of a Legion Consolation Flight Belt. If my dear Night Girl can't get in, there's no reason that this schmuck should. In what situation (and keep in mind that I will disregard all reasonable suggestions) will this power prove useful to the Legion? Perhaps they will go to the beach and wish to show a little more skin and so ask Size Lad to shrink their bathing suits down for them? Perhaps they'll get an unusually small sandwich at the Food-o-mart? Bah.

Even though he's got an impressive profile, Size Lad is

NOT APPROVED

Well, I can't very well object to Blackout Boy's powers, seeing as how I like Shadow Lass so much. I can, however get all snotty about the fact that after admitting this guy no one from the Legion thought to run out and grab Night Girl. Someone who's super-powers only work in the dark plus someone who makes darkness? Those are what's known as complimentary powers, kids. Grr grr grr. A very spiteful

NOT APPROVED

From what I understand of Magnetic Kid's powers, he's got a pretty limited palatte of solutions to choose from in the event of a problem. Is it time to break up a bar fight? Well, they can't keep fighting if they're in a big pile on top of Magnetic Kid! Fatal Five attacking? Not from on top of Magnetic Kid, they're aren't! Got to stop a giant robot? Don't look at Magnetic Kid, sorry. "Pulling people toward me" really doesn't seem like a Legion-worthy super-power, unless of course they expect to be having a lot of tugs-of-war in the near future.

I do like how he messed with Brainiac 5 there, though. So:

JOHN APPROVED

Well, this isn't working. Much as I hate to bite Blockade Boy's style, the only way that I'm going to finish is by working on a panel or two at a time. Fun!

My behavior: NOT APPROVED

Adventure Comics No. 337: REVIEW DEFERRED

This Week's Haul: Sinestro Gets Pwned

No real excuse for being late this week. I was so overwhelmed by having nothing to do that I forgot that I actually had something to do: review comics.

Countdown Arena #2

There's really no reason to pay any attention to this comic, but there's a little thing that's bothering me about this issue that I just have to say something about.

Ok, so the double page spread that shows all the arena fighters and what Earths they are from? Full of mistakes.

Check it:

Ok, this Wonder Woman is from Earth-21, which is the New Frontier Earth. Fine. But below that panel we see that crazy monster thing made of beetles. He is also supposedly from Earth-21.

So my first thought was "that ain't right." Later in the comic we see him again, only now he is suddenly from Earth-26:

Ok...so that first one was a typo. Alright. It happens. I look up Earth-26 in that little guide they published in DC Nation a couple of weeks ago, and it lists Earth-26 as, wait for it...Captain Carrot's Earth.

I dunno...that just seems wrong to me...

And there was also this Firestorm guy, who is from Earth-37:

Earth-37, according to that guide, is the Thrillkiller Earth. That makes no sense. (Also...do we need a Thrillkiller Earth?!). Please correct me if I'm wrong about this. Maybe that guy was in Thrillkiller? I just don't see how.

Green Arrow/Black Canary #3

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Connor, you were too beautiful for this world.

Congratulations, Judd Winick. You've ruined Christmas.

Green Lantern #25

Not only was this worth the $4.99 cover price, each page is worth $4.99:

I swear, like every other page looks like that. It's amazing.

I love the rise of the seven lantern corps. That's going to be neat:

Oooo!! I hope the red corps and the green corps fight at Christmas time! It would be so pretty!

I loved Guy trying to fight while being infected with a viral member of the Sinestro Corps:

It was also great when he was injected with the GL Corps virus and the two viruses battled it out inside him. Craziness!

And Hal, Kyle and Sinestro all losing the power in their rings so they just start street fighting? Awesome!

I love that "The both of you." Hardcore.

Green Lantern Corps #19

The members of the Corps who survived the war finally get a little downtime to spend with their families and loved ones. It's nice.

And this page is awesome:

I love those two!

But the issue wasn't all hugs and kisses. It had a rad ending!

I love that "Yes. I believe I have." This is gonna be great!

Tales of the Green Lantern Corps: Ion

All that I really want to say about this issue is that it was pretty good. These things have been kinda hit-or-miss, but this one is definitely worth checking out.

Also, I liked Guy's sexy lady that feeds him marshmallows:

Especially her I Dream of Jeannie pose.

Booster Gold #5

Man, this was so good and so sad.

I figured that, y'know, Booster wouldn't actually stop the Joker from shooting Barbara. But the way he insisted on going back over and over again! Ohmygod. I am just so filled with love for Booster Gold right now.

And if that wasn't sad enough, Rip breaks the news that Ted's death is a fixed moment in time that cannot be undone.

Awwwwwwww. I can't stand it!

Wonder Woman #15

I can't believe how much happened in this one issue! And it was all awesome!

I have been having a hard time selling people on this relaunch (Can we call it a relaunch? I think it's a relaunch). Everyone is all "I was buying this series for awhile, but I didn't like it." And I'm like "But it's awesome now!" And they're all "Yeah...I dunno..."

But it is awesome now. Don't let the fact that it's been mostly kinda bad up to this point prevent you from checking it out now. I guarantee you'll love it.

Personally, I was really into the god that WW found to help her in this issue:

What religion worships him? I'm joining!

Superman Confidential #10

One thing I really like is when comics are both really good, and really smart strategic moves. The New Gods are playing a starring role in the current DCU, so it's not a bad idea to have a comic that introduces new readers to the Fourth World. And the fact that it's also a great read with nice art is just icing.

I love Superman just having no idea who any of these characters are:

I also like Superman's ripped costume.

Superman is totally awesome in this comic. He doesn't know who these New Gods are, but he wants them out of downtown Metropolis:

Word.

The Batman Strikes #40

This comic is consistently very funny and entertaining. This month's was written by Matthew K Manning and drawn by Adam Archer. I like this series because it frequently combines a wisecracking Robin with a humourless Batman:

Once you get past the fact that all of the villains in this series, like the cartoon its based on, look very messed up, it's a consistently fun read.

Nexus: The Origin

I've read this comic several times, and it never stops being awesome. This is a re-painted reprint of a 1992 comic which stands the test of time as one of the best single issues of any comic ever written, in my opinion. If you've never read Nexus, then obviously this is a great place to start.

*Sigh* I sentence YOU, Nexus...for stealing my heart.

All done! I'm gonna go watch TV until our power goes out from this storm. Any comments about these, or any other comic releases this week (Howard Porter doing the art on Countdown? Blech) are appreciated below.

PS - I would also highly recommend this week's Marvel Adventures The Hulk. It was great fun. Rick Jones calls Namor's army "Aqua Teen Excessive Force." Also...Spider-Man Family was excellent and featured some beautiful art by David Hahn. I'd kinda like him to draw all Marvel comics. Or at least all Spider-Man.