Archie Sunday: Canada, Here We Come!!

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The (new) Archies are going on vacation to the happiest place on Earth...Canada!

Before we get started, I just want to say that I hate the New Archies. I hate Archie's mullet. I hate Betty's vertical ponytail. I hate Veronica's bob, shades and giant bow. I hate that Moose is 500 lbs. I hate that my beloved Dilton has been replaced by a young black man named Eugene (I'm all for diversity, but writing out Dilton is just plain wrong). And I hate that they are all younger than usual.

But I do love how excited these kids are to go to Canada:

I think maybe they have Canada confused with California.

Aw, that's nice.

Canada here we come. Right back where we started from. Canadaaaaa...here we coooooooome!!

I like that, in the background of the bus, is...Canada? Or something? Where is Riverdale exactly? I always pictured East Coast, but here we have Rocky Mountains in the background.

OK, this is where it gets really good:

Ok, where the hell is Mr Lodge's cabin?! There is no way that all of these sights are on the way. It's just not possible. His cabin would have to be suspended in an alternate dimension.

Basically, to see all of these sights, the gang would have to drive coast to coast, which is about 6100 km, or 3,700 miles. And that's a modest estimate. What I am saying is, Mr Andrews is a very patient man.

Actually, I need to make this point too: I live in Atlantic Canada. I have never seen a puffin. You have to go out to sea to see them. I can only assume that Mr Andrews did this so Reggie could get a picture.

"It's always interesting to see how other people live." What the hell is that supposed to mean, Jughead? In cities? With jobs and cars? What is so fascinating about Calgary? (By the way, Toronto to Calgary? 3,500 km, or almost 2,200 miles).

Do you think that maybe they had all that stuff about Toronto and Calgary first so that they wouldn't give readers the impression that this cabin in the woods is a typical Canadian habitat?

Well, at least we know that it took them about a week to get there, since Mr Lodge is meeting them tomorrow. But still...that's some very speedy driving.

Look at how cute those beavers are! Chomp chomp!


What to do if you spot a bear:

  1. Don't panic
  2. Don't yell
  3. Don't run

Archie fails.
Yet another Canadian vacation ruined by beavers.

I always love it when the Archies travel to Canada for any reason because it's full of inaccuracies and geographical impossibilities. But that doesn't mean I don't love an Atlantic Canada shout-out.

Addendum to the Review of the Legion of Super-Heroes, Part Four, By Johnathan

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SHRINKING VIOLET


This is an interesting picture. The power-demonstration aspect of it is both highly effective and highly accurate. One look and we know exactly how small Violet's ass is. Well, kind of. On my ruler, it's 1/16 of an inch, but I hail from a land of metric measurement, so it beats me if that's standard. Basically, this is one small heiny. Her outfit isn't bad, I guess. It's not as pleasing to mine eyes as the little (haw!) number she was wearing when she clocked Phantom Lad, but it's okay. The gloves are nice. Green is nice.

What really puzzles me about this little scene, though, is her head and face region. Why is she all dolled up? Why is she shooting a sultry look to stage left? Why does she look kind of like Elizabeth Taylor? Ever since I noticed this stuff it's been tormenting me. I mean, who is she trying to seduce? Not Micro Lad, I hope, but it can't be anyone at regular size, can it? Take a look at your ruler - even if her rear is 1/8 of an inch wide, Ms. Digby is just to tiny for a smoldering look to register. Unless she's flirting with a microscope-wielding scientist (and why wouldn't she?) whoever it is is just going to think she has some sort of facial tic.

Eh. Green is my favourite colour and the Growing Uppercut is my favourite special move, so:

JOHN APPROVED

STAR BOY


See, now this is the outfit that I was talking about in the original review of the Legion - the plunging neckline is history, hooray, and there is a pleasant shaggery to the facial features. As one of the very few super-heroes to sport the full beard (let's see... Star Boy, Hercules, latter-day Blockade Boy, uh, one of the Thors and... and the good Lex Luthor that died in the first Crisis, I think) he's a pretty good representative for any union or benevolent society that they might form. It's just so much better than his old no-beard-and-crew-cut look. And he's so affable, if occasionally insane.

This image, by the way, was taken from a poster that the Legion had made up in an attempt to get Rann Antar to stop coming around for the tryouts. The text, which has been omitted here, read WE ALREADY HAVE A GUY WHO CAN MAKE FEATHERS HEAVY. It didn't work, though.

JOHN APPROVED

Addendum to the Review of the Legion of Super-Heroes, Part Three, By Johnathan

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SHADOW LASS


I quite like this costume. I mean, sure it's got a great big revers-cleavage window, but frankly that's the acme of good taste compared to here old "couple of bats on some string" outfit. I only wish that the feature that I pillaged these images from had occurred a couple of years earlier, so that it would have featured possibly my favourite Shadow Lass look ever, the one with the 1920s haircut and the one-piece black swimsuit (but without the Caucasian-tone makeup). Ah. well. This is almost as good.

Special bonus: you can tell that Shadow Lass and Mon-El are a couple because they have similar habits. In this case, they're both invading other people's panels with their capes! See if you can find the ends of the blasted things! Uh... after I finally finish this series of posts.

JOHN APPROVED

Addendum to the Review of the Legion of Super-Heroes, Part Two, By Johnathan

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PHANTOM GIRL

This is another one of those pictures that looks fine at first but has something really weird nestled at its heart, so that the longer you look at it the stranger you find it. As far as demonstrating Phantom Girl's powers, the ol' "jaunty traipse through the atoms of a table" gag is a pretty fair representation of what she's all about. And you can't beat the patented Phantom Girl skin-tight, flared-sleeve, bell-bottomed, cut-out pant-suit as far as costumes go. No, what's bugging m bout this picture of PG is her hair. Why is her hair so big? It's kind of like the artist was determined to draw her with great big glam hair like Dream Girl but then had the law laid down upon 'em re: Phantom Girl having pig-tails but then rebelled against hair-fascism by making giant poofy glam pig-tails. And twenty years later? Twenty years later those things are freaking me out, man.

NOT APPROVED

Caption Contest!

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Hey, y'know what would cheer me up? A good old fashioned caption contest.

So here's a panel from Showcase Presents World's Finest. I think the possibilities for what Batman is thinking and Lois is saying are endless.

Fill in the blanks and post it on your own blog with a link in the comments section here. Or, if you don't have a blog, just type out the dialog in the comment section.

The winner gets a copy of the recently re-published Nexus The Origin comic, signed by Steve Rude, courtesy of Strange Adventures. It's certified and everything, so you know I didn't just write S.Rude on a comic.

Alright! Get to work! Make me proud!