Twelve Days of Christmas Special Review Series, Part Eight, By Johnathan

This one's from 1997's DC Universe Holiday Bash, back when there were still New Gods:

Now I know that I've already declared the title of Best Santa Ever, but I think that Highfather definitely comes in at a strong number two. Also, "moth-eaten hippie Abe Lincoln."

The story: a mall manager or owner or something sees Highfather and Orion wandering around and thinks that they're his Santa crew, based on ambient beard-magnificence, I guess. Highfather being, like, eight feet tall doesn't seem to be a problem for the guy until the costume doesn't fit.

Don't worry, though - Christmas isn't ruined. Tallpop uses his amazing power to make everything portentous and:

... ends up looking pretty cool! Not to be outdone, Orion puts his mind/Mother Box to things and becomes...

Actually, he becomes a pretty terrifying elf.

The rest of the story plays out kind of like that scene in Hogfather (by Terry Pratchett, natch) where Death is doing the mall Santa thing, though just the heartwarming stuff - no pig urine jokes. Check this out:

Adorable!

Dude, Highsanta is huge.

Such a great Christmas story. Right up there with the Justice League where Plastic Man claims that Santa has heat vision (that one's for next year, I'm afraid).

JOHN APPROVED

"FIVE LEGION RINGS!"

Review of Ancestral Style, By Johnathan

Boy oh boy, was I lazy this week or what? I could blame it on busyness at work, but that would be a lie (not that I wasn't busy, mind you). Nope, it was just plain inertia. Well, tomorrow is Canada Day, and I plan on lazing about here in the John Cave, so perhaps I'll get that review of the Human Flame off my chest, like I've been meaning to, before Grant Morrison has him eaten by Titano the Super-Ape or something.

In the meantime: check this out:

That, boys and girls, is my great, great grandfather, William H. Hazel, and he is rocking a friendly muttonchop/neck beard combo that the world of today couldn't even handle. From now on, whenever I'm blue, I'm just going to think about how those same beard-genes are somewhere inside of me. I'm tearing up a bit, here.

JOHN APPROVED

Addendum to the Review of the Legion of Super-Heroes, Part Four, By Johnathan

SHRINKING VIOLET

This is an interesting picture. The power-demonstration aspect of it is both highly effective and highly accurate. One look and we know exactly how small Violet's ass is. Well, kind of. On my ruler, it's 1/16 of an inch, but I hail from a land of metric measurement, so it beats me if that's standard. Basically, this is one small heiny. Her outfit isn't bad, I guess. It's not as pleasing to mine eyes as the little (haw!) number she was wearing when she clocked Phantom Lad, but it's okay. The gloves are nice. Green is nice.

What really puzzles me about this little scene, though, is her head and face region. Why is she all dolled up? Why is she shooting a sultry look to stage left? Why does she look kind of like Elizabeth Taylor? Ever since I noticed this stuff it's been tormenting me. I mean, who is she trying to seduce? Not Micro Lad, I hope, but it can't be anyone at regular size, can it? Take a look at your ruler - even if her rear is 1/8 of an inch wide, Ms. Digby is just to tiny for a smoldering look to register. Unless she's flirting with a microscope-wielding scientist (and why wouldn't she?) whoever it is is just going to think she has some sort of facial tic.

Eh. Green is my favourite colour and the Growing Uppercut is my favourite special move, so:

JOHN APPROVED

STAR BOY

See, now this is the outfit that I was talking about in the original review of the Legion - the plunging neckline is history, hooray, and there is a pleasant shaggery to the facial features. As one of the very few super-heroes to sport the full beard (let's see... Star Boy, Hercules, latter-day Blockade Boy, uh, one of the Thors and... and the good Lex Luthor that died in the first Crisis, I think) he's a pretty good representative for any union or benevolent society that they might form. It's just so much better than his old no-beard-and-crew-cut look. And he's so affable, if occasionally insane.

This image, by the way, was taken from a poster that the Legion had made up in an attempt to get Rann Antar to stop coming around for the tryouts. The text, which has been omitted here, read WE ALREADY HAVE A GUY WHO CAN MAKE FEATHERS HEAVY. It didn't work, though.

JOHN APPROVED

Super-Human Detritus of the 30th Century: Review of Absorbancy Boy, By Johnathan

Due to file corruption, you will never get to read the totally neato review that I wrote yesterday. Instead, a totally neato review that I'm writing today!

So: Absorbancy Boy, the villain of the hour over in Action Comics right now. Who'd have thought? Definitely not me or I'd have reviewed him by now, instead of spelling his name wrong while writing about Infectious Lass.

Here's our first look at the future Earth Man, fresh from a character-building dose of soul-crushing disappointment:

I have to say: I kind of like that costume, even if it looks a bit like something an evil version of Animal Man would wear (alternate versions of that comment: like something that Earth-3 Animal Man would wear; even though it makes him look like Anne Rice's Animal Man).

I kind of like him looking grumpy over top of that explanatory caption - it's as if he got a job as a continuity editor, like Affable Al and friends back in the day, but he wasn't really very happy about it. Curmudgeonly Kirt?

Putting aside the fact that I know that the guy turned out to be a complete ass and later a super-villain, at this point in the tale my sympathies are with A-Boy. As I understand it, having his power (absorbing and utilizing residual superhuman energies) on hand would allow the Legion to basically double up on any power that they need, as well as having someone on hand who could use a super-powered enemy's abilities agin 'em. Too limited, Legion? Sounds like a pretty good deal to me, actually.

My personal theory is that Absorbancy Boy was pre-rejected based on his name. After years of crazy applicants the Legionnaires were probably terrified that some guy in a bright yellow costume was going to come trundling in towing a big tub of water, which he would then proceed to empty using the super-porous tissues of his ass cheeks. If he'd only named himself after his most impressive features, then Muttonchop Lad or perhaps Sideburn Squire would be running around with the Legion to this day.

Meanwhile (and this is relevant to the review) Tyroc is being inducted into the Legion, but before he can even begin to enjoy the state-of-the-art Dungeons and Dragons arcade, the building is attacked by Zoraz, an "old foe" of the superteens who lurks in the ductwork and craves revenge for something or other. Supposedly, he has managed to steal the Legionnaires' genetic information from their central storage area (though I wouldn't think that it would be hard to collect genetic material in a building full of teenagers. From all of the laundry that they'd leave everywhere, I mean). From this he has worked out exactly how to counter each Legionnaire's powers, information that he seems a bit too eager to use, honestly. Causing Star Boy to make himself heavy enough to sink into the floor is one thing, but taking out Dream Girl by beaming nightmares into her skull? That seems like overkill, really. Don't get me wrong, Dream Girl's a great Legionnaire, just not one renowned for her incredible combat skills. A good sock to the jaw would probably be as effective as any three green faces that you could cause her to think about.

Anyway, Zoraz is eventually revealed to be a fake villain designed as a final test for incoming recruits. Tyroc actually seems pretty ticked off when he learns this, which is understandable given the number of hoops that he had to jump through in order to get in, while schmucks like Matter-Eater Lad and Dynamo-Boy just walked in off of the street.

Here's Zoraz's poorly-clad backside:

And the front:

But wait! That's not Sun Boy at all, it's Kid Cheek-Pelt! Our old friend from the first three panels has come back to prove himself worthy of the Legion. Heck, it worked for Wildfire - maybe it'll do all right by Absorbancy Boy.

Although a good first step in proving your worth, Absorbancy Boy, would have been keeping mum about how you've been hiding in the very first place that someone searching for Zoraz would have looked. I mean, jeez.

Oops. I was with you up to this point man, but really: beating up the guy who got into the Legion instead of you is not the way to get into the group. Just ask Phantom Lad - the last I heard he was working as an "Uncle Ghosty the Clown" mascot at one of a galaxy-wide chain of Bgtzl Fried Kangobronc restaurants.

Someone really should take that second panel out of context someday.

Fight scene!

Not bad, A-Boy. You've definitely got some serious chops. If only you'd gone about this in a more reasonable and thought-out manner instead of stomping in and being a total dick. Talk about things instead of hitting Superboy and maybe people will listen to you.

Battle of the spread-legged joes! This is where Tyroc really underlines just how great, if pantsless, he is:

Two-panel takedown! BONK! indeed, mister Tyroc. You truly have demonstrated that you are worthy to wear those extreme collars. You know, Tyroc himself has fairly impressive facial hair - had this little scrap lasted longer it could've been classed as a Heavyweight Muttonchop Rumble. Tickets could've been sold! I'm sorry. That was terrible but, hey, it's past my bedtime. Things are only going to go downhill from here.

Absorbancy Boy, though your muttonchops are JOHN APPROVED, you yourself are a total oaf. The best thing that can be said about you is that you are an efficient way for the muttonchops to get from place to place and spread the joy that is their gift to the world. For your thoughtless violence and for eventually becoming a full-fledged xenophobic semi-tyrannical super-villain you are

NOT APPROVED

Review of Genetic Predispositions, By Johnathan

Okay: this post is about something I noticed while reading Detective Comics No. 90 the other day, but I can't just up and tell you what that thing was. I have to lay out a sequence of events for you - trust me, it's the only logical way.

The plot revolves around the riverboat Mississippi Mermaid and its 'celebrated water carnival'. Seems every time the durned thing comes to town, thugs clean out the whole place. Thugs that all buy their suits at the same place, I might add.

When the sheriff (note the purple vest and hat, the bushy white mustache) comes to check out the suspicious boat-people, he is foiled by their air-tight, witness-laden alibis. Since I'm not really paying attention to the mystery aspect of this story I'll tell you now that the whole scheme's dependent on a clock that speeds up and slows down to make the show's intermission seem shorter than it actually is or something like that - evidently this clock is so awesome to tell time with that none of the party-goers bother to look at their watches during the whole production.

Reading of the robbery in Carver Town, Dick and Bruce head for the next stop on the river...

Dalestown! Noted for its opulent hotel lobbies and abundant supply of nogoodniks in matching suits.

Batman gets trounced, wakes up, rounds up the sheriff, and heads boat-ward.

Wha? May I say, Mister Sheriff, that I have seen your like before? Well, I suppose that perhaps Dalestown and Carver Town are small and close enough to share asingle, purple-clad law-enforcement gent, right? Sure, it's totally possible.

Anyway, the Dynamic Duo keep on following the ship, and one week later (so: one week's travel down what is presumably the Mississippi River), in the scenic town of Andre's Bend (snicker), the bandits strike again. Once more, the law gets involved:

The purple-vested, white-mustached, Colonel Sanders tie-wearing law, who seems not to know Batman from Adam.

So: Possibly two but probably three identical sheriffs in three river towns along the Mississippi. My theory is that the American South contains a nomadic clan of law-enforcement types. As they walk the land they provide sheriffs and other forms of lawmen to towns in need of regulation - these three happened to be long lost triplets from that very tribe. That or the artist liked drawing sheriffs like this - this guy actually shows up all over the place in Detective Comics of the time.

JOHN APPROVED